matagtagal na rin akong hindi naka-gimmick kasama ang mga barkada ko nung college. edyo nalagas-lagas kasi yung oras pati yung communication namin sa isat isa. pero nitong huling 3linggo hindi ko man sila sbay sabay nakasama, isa isa na silang sumusulpot at nagpaparamdam kahit pa yung isa dun eh and huling usap pa namin eh nung kuhanan pa ng toga. kung hindi pa ata nagtext brigade etong si gela na aalis na daw ako eh di nila ako maaalala. actually ayokong gawing big deal yung pag alis ko, para konti lang ang madis-appoint sa akin if ever im not gonna make it. kahit papano ang saya at pag nagkita kami ulit in the future, maganda yung pag-uusapan naming huling memory namin together. kesa naman sabihin nila "ayan si paula, di man lang nagpakita sa amin bago umalis!" ang fanget naman nun di ba...

ano't ano pa man, panay man ang reklamo ko sa buhay ko, masaya ako kung kasama ko ang mga kaibigan kong ito:
(pictures from fete dela musique 2006 last june 30 @ mall of asia)


with allalaine...

with jas!

sayang lang, walang picture si anne...

simpleng kwentuhan at chismisan kahit sandali lang yun. pero masarap madinig yung mga kwento nila, minsan kahit alam ko na, okey lang yun, mas ok kung nadidinig ko talaga from them.

the ff. week may second round kami ni jas. she gave her letter at isang artistically made bag charm (actually nakasabit na siya sa hand-carry ko!). isang oras na kwentuhan sa loob nang FEu. (take note pumasok lang kami sa aming alma mater para magkwentuhan, maupo at magpaka nostalgic ng konti) marami rin siyang naikwento sa akin. siympre hindi biro ang mahigit 3 taon ata naming hindi pagkikita. JAS SALAMAT SA ORAS, NAG-ENJOY TALAGA AKO

that same day also, minit ko rin si magna cum angela y beleno, my tutor during college.. hehehe, si kate at con din. sa sm north. friends na kami nung college pa pero nitong nag graduate lang kami naging lalong naging close. at thru text pa. salamat sa unlimited texting =D. si anj, ganun pa rin, tawa lang ng tawa . kahit walang day-off sa work at kailangan naka-sked ahead of time lahat ng lakad niya, nakatwa pa rin. kahit halatang kailangan na niya ng stresstabs. pero infairness. tumaba siya dahil nahiyang sa mga paperworkd at mga meeting niya. si kate- hindi na believer, maka kamikazee na siya. hahaha. naimpluwensiyahan naman niya si con manuod ng mga gigs ng banda. at na love at first siyght sya kay yael yuson. late bloomer kasi eh, as in. ngayon lang niya na-feel na may band mania sa pinas.. in short nabiktima na siya ng SIGE-KINIG-AT-SULYAP sa mga banda. yung tipong napunta lang dahil gustong magpapicture sa mga rakstars. hahaha. napagdaanan ko na ata yun kaya minsan natatawa nalng din ako sa kalukohan nilang 2.

kaya gusto ko namang sumabit sa mga kalokohan nila kaya kasama ko sila manuod ng mga gigs lately. makaalis lang at makapagliwaliw. go ako with them.

kaya nagpunta kami ng UP freshmen night. on our way there, nakita namin si APRIL. hahaha kasama ko sa NBSB and i want to have na GROUP.... haggard pa rin ang drama. maganda naman ito eh, di lang marunong mag ayos at magsukaly. libre pamasahe namin. salamat sa kanya.

ayon, UPFM. i had a blast. parang freshmen rin ako, nagfifeeling. kahit late kaming dumating at tumutogtog na ang RM, pagdating namin sa backstage. actually wala kaming ticket. magagate crash talaga kami at gagamit ng "kakilala system". salamat sa driver ng maya, si kuya allan at sa roadie nila na si ate flor. may artist pass kaming 2 ni kate. pero kulang pa ng isa, buti nalang at dumating yung roadie daw yun ng CALLA LILY.(unaware, na banda rin pala yun, kala ko soap lang yung sa abs cbn..) tapos nung nakita ko ng yung banda, isang malaking NYEHHH. tiga FEU yan di ba? oo daw, yung vox na si KEANE at yung gitarista na si TATSI. i saw them before sa school, kalat kalat lang, tapos ngayon... hahaha..

anyway, ayan nga nakapasok na kami, nakita namin si mark at si mike muna. nakipag apir sa akin at tinanong kung kelan alis ko, sabi ko baka next week. actually wala rin ako sa sariling kausap sila, kasi isa lang ang focus ko, MAKITA ko si jappy. swerte pa naman ang pasok namin sa backstage, lahat ng gusto kong makitang rakstar andun pero hindi yun priority ko. si japs japs japs! asan ka na? finally ayun, may autograph session pa with the organizers. sige, hintay pa ako ng sandali, kahit di ko sila nakitang tumutog okey pa rin basta makausap ko lang siya. farewell talk ang drama ko. alas! ayun humarap na siya. ako naman nakahawak sa 2 kong chaperon. parang mahihimatay na naman ako. "oy, punta ka capones,? medyo nagmamadali na kami eh, sino kasama mo?" (hmp!, hindi pa ako nagsasalita, hello?) ang nasabi ko nalng "ah sige, try namin sumunod" tsktsktsk. nanginginig pa ang boses ko nun. tumalikod na siya, naiwan ako, mga isang hakbang palang bumalik siya ulit. "kelan alis mo?" sabi niya. wahahha muntikan akong maiyak? natandaan mo jappy?!! shet. sabi ko "next week, last gig ko na 'to di ko pa naabutan.." (paawa effect) "may capones pa sa 13 punta ka dun, cge alis na kami, paalam!". TAE heaven na yun talaga.

cge gudbye na kung gudbye na sa buong team. mahaba pa ang gabi. marami pa akong gustong makita. si kurt ng SOAPDISH ulit, chikahan ng konti. tapos nakita ko na si bogs. hay, 3/4 ng gabi ko pwede na. makita ko lang siya, masaya na rin ako. tapos pics with doc at mat kasama pang comment na "ayos yan tshirt mo ah, kilala ko may gawa!?" hahaha. gwafu ka kuya! patawa ka rin, syempre rivermaya shirt ito, kaya ikaw ang gumawa!

after ng set ng pupil, nacorner ko ulit si doc, reklamo sa cd, di na umaandar. "sumuko na sunday surreal ko pala kuya doc" ayu, super explain, ang gulo ng paligid, ang nainitindihan ko lang eh mahirap daw sila para ireplace yung cd ko, ha? cge na nga, papalampasin ko to doc. ok na ako, pwede na ako umiw, nakiota ko na yung gusto kong makita eh..



dahil hindi pa pwede umuwi yung 2, hinhintay pa nila ang kamikazee at spongecola. sige wait lang may, mojofly pa rin pala at moonstar88, updharmadown, dicta, Udub, 6cm, PS, sandwich, imago, calla lily, pedicab (at aaminin kong mapasayaw talaga ako kay diego!)

3:00am na ako nakauwi pero 6:00am na ako nakapasko ng bahay. all the while nasa labsa lang ako ng pinto. buti bukas ang gate namin, pro yung pinto kasi sarado, kaya hinitay ko nalang magising si mama. hassle kung mambubulabog pa ako.

**************************************
monday:
i went to trisha's house in vista verde ev cainta. lunch time yun. then around 3 pm, nagpaaalam na rin ako agad kasi imimeet ko naman si ivy m. sa sta. lucia. as usual pag siya kasama ko, MCDO ang tamabayan namin. til 5pm yun. tapos, next stop ko after sa sm san lazaro with my hs best friend DIANA.

tuesday:
together with my sister KAHLA. i met jonald and kiko sa gateway, dinner lang at timezone ang naging quality time namin.

thursday:
i went out with my super friend AYN and her BF DAN ang aking foodtrip buddies. sila yung mga guilty pleasure ko. hayy. mamimiss ko yang 2 na yan.

after nila go naman ako with con and amboy, odette and her boss.

Sobrang naging pamilyar sa FEELIng ko ang lahat ng nangyrai sa akin this past few weeks. para kaming balik college. ang kaibahan lang. mahigit, one-hundred pounds ang mga nadagdag sa amin COLLECTIVELY.

hmmm.
gusto ko lang i-stretched yung kwentong UP. actually sobrang napilit lang ako nung 2 pumunta, kasi wala talaga akong pera. as in. 30 pesos lang ang nasa bulsa ko. paglabas pa lang namin kinse na. paano pa ang pagpunta ng UP? ang mainam dun, all expensed paid trip ang nangyari, kasama chibog. basta ang kailangan ko lang daw gawin eh, gamitin ang POWERS kong makapasok kaming 3. ayos!

actually, buong araw ko pinag isipan nung friday na yun kung anong ginagawa ko sa bahay nung araw na yun samantalang bilang na mga oras ko. but then, naiisip ko palang ang crowd dun sa lugar na yun, parang gusto ko na kaagad magkulong ulit nalang sa bahay at manood ng GHOST WHISPERER. akala ko kasi walang RM dun at there was no one to see there, no one to impress (as if!) feeling ko rin nahawa na ako kay jas sa feeling niyang tumatanda. at yung mga makikita ko dun, sos! mga taong mas bata sa akin. freshmen night eh. at kung meron mang kasing edad ko, damang dama ko na IBANG IBA ako sa kanila. pero pamilyar sila sa akin. ako kasi sila dati, mas bata; sing edad ko, ako silang lahat noon.

pero sige na erase lahat ng fears kasi kung may magandang nangyrai man (bukod kay jappy at bogs!) nung gabing yun eh, nabigyan ng purpose ang mga damit kong isang tambak na sa closet ko.


sana laging ganun.

"all my bags are packed im ready to go, standing here out side your door, i hate to wake you up to say goodbye"- leaving on a jetplane; chantal kreviazuk

tomorrow could not come quickly enough, sitting and waiting is very hard to bear. naiinip na ako. my flight has been cancelled again. it was supposed to be july 6 but im still here. hindi ako umabot sa birthday ni ate last july 10.

anyway, yung mga kaibigan ko naman text pa rin ng text at nakikipagkita sa akin. buti nalang mabait si mama ngayon at she doesnt asked me last friday kung bakit ako inumaga ng uwi.


hayy,yan ang mamimiss ko kaya sige lang =D

I was in grade 2 nung umalis ka puntang Saudi. Mula noon, di ko na nga maalala kung nag spend ka pa ng mga special occasions sa bahay. You only have 30 days vacation every year, but that’s the most precious time I ever have, you’re making the most out it. HOUSE DADDA. Happy times seems finding its own way to halt when 30 days were finally over.

While growing up, something’s really changes. That’s why most of the time we found your presence very awkward. Parang hindi na kami sanay paag nandyan ka. Yet, you’ve learned to deal with our temper, still showered us with everything we need from toys to toiletries.

At all times you put your family on the top of the list. U didn’t even manages to replace your time-worn wallet or even give your self a present during special occasions (unless kulitin ka naming to do so.)

Im SORRY if I can’t make you proud of me. Such a failure.

Sorry if I failed learning to play piano when I was 10 and I impatiently cease guitar lessons during 4thyr high, sorry rin for not improving my grades kahit sa college. Sorry for not entering PMA.

I know, you and mom always have this idea of what our life would be like and never miss the opportunity to remind us. You both mean well and I really APPRECIATE that.

Thanks for everything.

FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SUCH A PAIN ON YOUR ASS AND MOM’s


HAPPY FATHERS DAY
mwahh

super late na MOTHER'S DAY GREETING...


even if you cant stand her
even if you hate her
even if she's ruining your life

there's something about her

some romance
some power
and when she dies
the world will be flat
too simple
too fair
too reasonable

"ANYWHERE BUT HERE"- ANN AUGUST


kahit lagi kaming nag aaway ni mader lately, alam ko na alam niya how much i love her. and shes one of the reason why i want to live and fulfill my dreams. i love you ma kahit hindi tayo vocal sa isat isa. iloveyouh

wild dreams 101

simula bata ako, kakaiba na yung mga panaginip ko. as far as i could remember, maganda naman ang childhood experiences ko. siguro yun ang dahilan kung bakit kahit pagtulog ko, umaandar pa rin yung sub conscious thoughts ko.

* and hindi ko makalimutan eh yung magcecelebrate na ako ng 7th bday. nanaginip ako na yung bahay daw namin ay gawa sa chocolate and everything around was made of candies, marshmallows and bubble gums. like yung puno, cotton candy daw. it was like a fantasy land.

* nagkaroon rin ako ng mga flicks tulad ng FLYING HOUSE (subscriber kasi kami ng ate ko before sa comics nun), FLYING Carpet (yung eksaktong carpet pa sa living room namin yun lumlipad) at kahit ako mismo lumilipad.

*yung kaberday kong favorite late-uncle ko napanaginipan ko rin when i was 11y/o after he died. binigyan daw ako ng isang basket na apple. i accepted it sa dream ko tapos nung nagising ako at kinuwneto ko sa buong kamag anak ko. nagalit sila lahat sa isang batang katulad ko. malay ko ba. bakit ko daw tinangap eh masama daw yun, sinasama daw ako sa kabilang buhay. nyek. creepy.

*nabunot na rin ang ipin ko sa panaginip kaya ang ending lagi kailangan ko ikagat yung mga ipin ko sa kahoy. (pero ang toto niyan, nawawalan ng pag asa ang ibig sabihin niyan)

*namatay na rin ang kung sino sino at kahit sarili ko sa panaginip ko. - tiwala sa iba at sa sarili o o kailangan iwan ang isang bagay o makalimot ang meaning daw nun...

*aha at iba pang wild animals na ang ibig sabihin sa psych ay mood swings..

nung nag High school na ako. medyo nag mellow yung panaginip ko.

once in a while nalang or talagang di ko na natatandaan. however, minsan nga lang pero tumatatak ang kawierduhan.

tulad ng carrots at iba pang gulay sa bahay kubo na steady lang sa white na background hanggang matapos yung panaginip ko. meron ring kaning tutong na ewan ko kung anong konek sa buhay ko, pero binulabog niya rin ako.

*pangarap ko pala dating maging piloto pero mahina ako sa math kaya puro eroplanong papel lang yung eksena.

*meron ring mga panaginip na fairytale ang drama:
*yung crush ever ko sa FEU nung freshie ako na si VICTOR VALENTIN MONTES, kasama ko daw at pinapayungan pa ako while walking under the rain. shet.

*yung ex-lab interest ko na si neil, kasama yung mataba niya gf at ako daw umiiyak sa isang tabi. drama ito.

* ako daw si cinderella

*(eto yung nagkatotoo pagkatapos ng ilang taon) ang bahista daw ng isang banda at yung gf niya musician, nagbreak na daw.

ang malupit pa, 2yrs ago nung dumating ang dadi ko, nasabik ako sa chocolate kaya hanggang pagtulog kumakain ako. ayun, nanaginip ako ng isang higante- HIGANTENG toothbrush na humahabol sa akin. hehehe

sabi ng prof ko sa psych 112 namin before,
"abnormal dreams doesnt mean u'r abnormal. it doesnt determined the persons capacity, state of mind or it is not even based on kasabihan or something. our dream make us conscious sa mga sub conscious thoughts that is inside us, things that we refused to say, cant say, too scared to say. unspoken words that have fossilised."

- prof. luchi ermita

marami akong weird na panaginip, pero yan lang ang tumatak sa akin na nahanapan ko ng sagot. sana yung iba maananalyze ko ng mabuti pala hindi ako mahimbing sa bangungot.

Old Man by the Sea
Author: Chris Hanley


As I grow old, I sit and stare.
I watch the sea, and sultry air,
clouds that drift, so steadily by,
amassed by spread, across the sky.

Rays of sun, like halo's gleam,
across the sea, to dance and sheen,
Hues of colors, wind and tide,
silver strands, to be untied.

Visions mingle, forms define,
glimpsed and fade, before the eye.
Time so precious, blessings few,
ever change, every hue anew.

Natures promise, beauty to behold,
selects a few, a message to unfold.
Pity those, who cannot see,
pleasures of living, by the sea.

Ivory castles, built on high,
Social pursuits, that will not die.
Riches sought, and gambles taken,
shorten life, until awaken.

When time on Earth is nigh,
No fear of death have I.
Scatter me, upon the Sea,
To ebb and flow, eternally.

With Irish songs, to give me rhythm,
My soul unfolds, with optimism.
Wishing ever, I could see,
Happy people, living by the sea.

sa kasiyahan at sa makawtuwid
tinangay na nang hangin
mabuhay ng sapat at walang patid

pagpatuloy man sa pagpukpok
bigo pa sa pakong nakabaluktot
mananatili pa ring lugmok
ang pag iisip, oh nakakayamot

i went to SM manila yesterday to stroll and to kill my boredom. when FARAH texted me she saw me daw around the mall and she asked if ill be watching rivermaya gig at around 4pm. it was already 3:00. i didnt notice the poster on the escalator. kala ko joke lang ba yun. so i texted my sister if she could come with me. na excite ako biglang mapanuod sila.

its past 4pm and the front act which was SOAPDISH started to play already.

nakita ko na yung ibang grounder. kahit awkard sa akin, i went to their place. konting chikahan. few minutes later, start na mag set up yung RM.

nagpunta na kami sa harap ng stage. i saw kurt there. thank god he still recognized me. kamustahan lang. tapos ininvite niya ako sa gig nila sa seguijo. i politely declined pero i promised na next time na talaga. actually ang dami ko ng utang sa kanya. at medyo luma na yung CD ko, wala pa ring pirma.

ayun, back to RM.

first time kong narinig na tinugtog nila yung WILDANGEL CANDY. Kala ko sa SINGAPORE lang nila kayang tugtugin yun. =D

parang first time. parang newbie, parang groupie, parang yung mga katabi kong bagong grounders na walang humpay na vinivideo at pinipicturan si rico. lumayo ako, hindi ko alam kung bakit. napunta ako sa kapatid ni japs. mas lalo akong nahiya so bumalik ako sa harap. nakita ako ni mike habang tumutugtog. he smiled wholly and i've read his lips saying "BAKIT NGAYON LANG AKO?". tapos tiningnan ko pa yung nasa tabi ko o nasa likod ko kung sila kausap ni mike. AKO pala talaga kaya tumawa ako mag isa.

medyo nagkaprob yung audio at nasira snare ni mark. kaya medyo huminto ng 10 minutes. medyo mukhang badtrip na nga si rico eh. pero buti nalang natuloy kahit sabog ang bass ni japs.

after nun set at authograph signing.
nagpakita na ako kay japs at mike. sabi ni japs bakit ang tagal ko daw hindi sila sinipot. eto naman si mike nangulit, bakit daw ganun itsura ng celfone ko? namangha sa sa tig-80 pesos na transparent na casing...

tsaka palang dumating yung kapatid ko. sabi ni mike himala daw talaga.

himala nga talaga.
pero masaya ako.

=D

Siya si charlotte. Hindi siya babae, pero we just named him
after the popular cart00n series that time. I was 2nd yr HS then. CharLotte was so nice and truly our family's best friend. He often barks because the only thing he d0es was to welc0me everyb0dy who came to our house by smelling their ass's.

With his big eyes, matatak0t talaga sin0 man yung makakita sa kanya, pero kabaliktaran sa akala. He died last thursday of unkn0wn reas0n. All of a sudden he just run out of breath and found myself crying after few minutes. Ganun kadali. Wala namang sakit or watsoever condition. Sabi nila heart attack daw.

Few weeks ago, i told my m0m, that i dreamt that daddy died and ate was sick. Because i came from a family who still believe in superstiti0n, m0m related what happen to our dog in my previous dream. Sabi nya, INAKO daw ni charlotte yung masamang mangyayari sa daddy or ate ko. Actually naalala ko rin yung aso namin bef0re kay charlotte, that was exactly what happen, bago umuwi si daddy galing saudi he had a min0r injury on his left knee. It was close to accident daw, buti nalang god pave way for his safety.

I miss him sobra. It was like loosing a family member. I know, 10yrs is a considerable time already and he served us enough. Sana lang he kn0ws h0w grateful our family is to have him for a while.


" there is something i learned about the dead. they lived on. they turn into dust and become part of the earth and the wind blows them up they're in the very air we breathe. and their words live on in our minds, reutring without being called. we hear them in our waking hours and hear them in our dreams, their words more powerful urgent than they were first uttered"------ ARLENE CHAI

hindi ko hiningi pero dumating.
hindi ko inasahan, pero sobra pa ang binigay.
siya pala na lagi kong kausap, lagi kong kasama.
ayokong sabihin na shock absorber lang namin ang isat isa
ayoko, wag ganun.
alam namin na we have somthing, beyond words. kahit hindi sabihin.
maybe, just maybe. this is something closer to LOVE. cliche' pero totoo.
hindi kami pero okey kami.
walang commtiment
walang strings attached
walang pressure.

para walang masaktan.

sometimes i habe the urge to squeeze his blood from turnips pero i refuse myself from doing it. nakatakot. dalawa lang naman ang pwedeng sagot dun. at ayokong madinid ano man yun.

tama na yun ganito. siguro all i have to do is to keep my spirits up, enjoy every moment but a also have to take it.

dont cry for the moon pawi...


matuto sa nakaraan..

nakita ko yung lumang notebook ko sa ilalim ng kama ko kanina.
nakalimutan kong may nagawa akong poem para kay JAPS dati.
sana mabasa niya.
hahaha =D


this is my last poem for him
i am a sad poet without his love.
my verses are dead and my heart is barren
my hand should never write sweet lines about his eyes.
she owns him.
she own the man i love.
the night is crest fallen and the stars in my sky are gradually fading.
this is the last night that i'll cry.
no tears should fall again from these eyes.
to feel immense sorrow
to feel immense pain without his love
my tears cant buy his heart
this is the last night ill dram about him
i have to wake up and go back to reality
he never loved me
and i never owned him.
its difficult to forget those eyes
it'd be like stopping my heart from beating
and my blood from flowing incessantly in my body
this is the last night that ill love him
this is the last night ill worship the man who inspired my verses
there's nothing in this world that i wouldn't do for him,
my heart cares for him
my heart loves him
but he doesnt need it...the whole world knows that i can live without him
but i know that I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM

budoy miraviles; vocalist of junior kilat at housemate na rin sa BAHAY NI KUYA

hindi kapatid ni budoy yan. that's omni saroca; drummer of HALE.

kool, hawig sila.

wala lang napansin ko lang...

three weeks ago, nagkita kami sa FEU.
he accompanied me the whole day. sinamahan niya ako sa MALACAñANG. kahit inabot kami ng buong araw at inabutan kami ng rally sa quiapo. he patiently waited for me.

lucky me.

i wasnt expecting the same treatment, considering our last talk was last dec 2004.
pretty long. but ive enjoyed the whole day with him.i cant even remember why did he stopped calling and texting me. ah siguro busy sa girlfriend. but that day, i felt like, its been us.

we talked.
things that should not be opened again.It's been over 2 years after graduation and we never made it. he asked me if I love HIM, but I don't answer. I can't think of a reason, but it's just that when he ask me I don't know where to start. Our love was never meant to be. There's no arguing with fate.

I'm just here thinking about him, like I always do. I will always remember how sweet he is and how every time my phone rang, I heard his sweet voice. I would smile and I was happy from that point on...

ill cherish that.

mauulit pa kaya yun?
hindi na siguro dahil kasalanan ko naman.

"NASAAN SI FRANCIS?"
- an indie filem starring Epi Quizon, Christopher de leon,
Ricky Davao, Mark Gil, Tanya Garcia, Rita Avila, Rio Locsin, and "rakstar boy" RICO BLANCO of RIVERMAYA. directed by Gabriel Fernandez
(one of the seven films who didnt make it to the magic seven of the 2005 MMFF)

NASAAN NA SI RICO?
dapat yan nalang ang title eh.
hindi ko lang akalain na may furure plans pala siyang maging artista someday huh.
ayokong isipin na pagkatapos ng pelikulang ito, isa na sa POGI ROCK ang paborito kong bandang RIVERMAYA, nakita ko yung mga pagbabago sa banda mula noon. niyakap at natanggap ko lahat yun dahil napabuti at my pinatunguhan naman. pero ngayon? di ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa kanila? ano sasabihin ng mga tao?

kasabay ng movie break ni coriks, yung mga rumors tungkol sa mga artistang nali-link sa kanya. aba, laman na siya ng mga showbiz chismis sa tv. kesyo nalilink siya kay rica p. not to mention pati si mark escueta kay karel marquez. ewan, magulo. naguguluhan ako. natatakot.

isyu pa.
ang paglalabas ng GREATEST HITS ALBUM? (hmm. sakin nalang muna ang gusto kong sabihin...)

i emailed him (rakstar rico)
i asked him kung hindi ba siya bothered sa mga speculations at rumors tungkol sa ginagwa niyang/ nilang move.

una yung pagsabak niya saindie film. ito na ba ang start ng kanyang "career"?
-could be. pwede, tingnan natin.

kung gagawa ba siya ng movie with KC CONCEPCION in the future
-kung maganda ang script

ano ang feeling ng ganyan? di ka ba naninibago?
- iba lang ang pagpromote ng album sa movie

-"hindi ako bothered kahit ano sabihin ng ibang tao about us, RM. im still looking for your support, sa akin at lalo na sa band. we're busy doing our next album. thanks sa support"


oh well, hindi ka bothered pero I AM.
di ba yung mga SINASABI nga ng ibang tao ang magpre-predict how long the band will stay? positive or negative. it will.

ill just pray saan man sila dalhin. they still have my support.
sana nga lang nasa GROUND pa rin ang mga paa nila.

disappointed.




Some of those artists which are included in the compilation album of eraser heads songs are not really good enough. parang di lang nila alam yung kinakanta nila. wla. di ko man lang na-feel yung kanta. siguro yung mga new gen lang ang makaka-appreciate nung album. pero kung tulad ko at ng ibang sobrang FAN as in ng eheads. masasawi lang...

pero hindi ko naman nilalahat.

mas okey sana kung kinuha nila yung banda dahil kaya nila interpret yung kanta hindi dahil SIKAT sila ngayon.

ayos!

my life just got started.
maganda pasok ng 2006 at sana eto na talaga yung matagal ko ng pinagdadasal.

nakaalis na si ate puntang dubai. sana mahanap na niya yung buhay niya. sana maging mature na siya sa mga desisyon. independent, responsable. yung maging TALAGANG ATE siya sa amin ni khala. sana rin marealize na niya ngayon na hindi naa kami bumabata para sa mga walang kwentang issue sa pamilya namin. i just wish sana magkaroon siya ng MAHABANG pasensya. gusto kong makitang may mapatunayan siya sa sarili niya.

after all she is not a bad ate to me. kahit lagi kaming nag-aargue nun. nakakamiss rin palang wla akong inaaway. actually tahimik yung bahay namin. nilalamon ng ugong ng bentilador. nakakalungkot,lalo na pag kaming dalawa lang ni khala. hindi naman kami nag aaway pero nauubusan kami ng sasabihin sa isat isa.

nung hinatid namin sa airport si ate, walang tumulong luha sa akin, considering ako ang iyakin. si mader at kahla umiiyak. habang ako. lula. mas kailangan ko kasing bigyan siya ng ngiti kesa luha. ayokong pabaunan siya nun. binigyan ko rin siya ng baong sulat. isang mahabang sulat ng halo halong ewan. kahit siguro magalit siya sa akin at hindi na niya ako kibuin. okey lang. atleast nasabi ko yung mga gusto kong sabihin.

mid of this year magkikita naman kami.
im really praying na sana makasunod na ako sa kanila ni daddy.

i have so many plans.
eto na ang umpisa
sana tuloy tuloy na.

we must remember that christmas is all about CHRIST's COMING...

so, whatever the situation we're in, we should try to awaken the glow of our saviours birth...


ITS CHRISTMAS!

BE HAPPY.

BE THANKFUL!



MALIGAYANG PASKO SA LAHAT!









*******************************************************************************

hmmm..
masaya nga pala ako ngayon.
salamat at may taong nagpasaya sa akin.
kahit sandali lang. thankful ako kasi i experienced to love again.
merry christmas talaga 'to!

Video Code Proudly Provided by FreeVideoCodes

ito ang dalawang messages sa akin ng mga matalik kong kaibigan na si JAZ at JAY nung birthday ko. Gusto ko lang i-share kasi sa tuwing binabasa ko 'to ng paulit ulit nabibigyan ako lalo ng pag asa. napakaswerte ko sa kaibigan at hindi nila ako nakakalimutan. SALAMAT SALAMAT! hindi ko alam kung kelan ako makakapagsalamat ng personal. ummm. utang ko muna ang kape! =D makakabawi rin ako.


from JAZ's blog:

(post para sa akin at kay RONS)

i wish i could tell you not to get depressed anymore. that, hey cheer up, there are still better things in life to be glad about. kaso i've also been there and somehow i know the feeling. mahirap ang pakiramdam ng walang katiyakan ang lahat. mahirap maging malungkot dahil feeling mo walang nangyayari sa buhay mo.

for about a year and a half i felt like i was a tennis ball hurled back and forth across the net. i was riding in a roller coaster set of emotions. it's draining and yes, it's really depressing to the point that sometimes you feel like giving up and forgetting the whole thing. i moped, i pitied myself, i felt overly pathetic. kaso isang araw parang naramdaman ko na nalang na, well ganon talaga. it's one of the reasons why you're here on earth for. to experience not just the beautiful things in life but also the ugly ones kaya it's either you do something about it or you just let it control you. sabi nga ni jessica zafra, "Nothing is more depressing than getting depressed without putting up a fight." kaya sige laban lang tayo. ganyan lang talaga. lilipas din yan. siguro hindi pa ngayon, hindi mamaya, baka bukas o sa isang taon pa. pero sana habang andon tayo laban lang.

sana pede kong sabihin na stop being depressed kaso ayoko kasi naisip ko sa isang banda maganda na rin yung makaranas tayo ng ganyan para kahit papano natututo tayo sa buhay natin. depression made me miserable but at the same time it did me some good. in some ways marami akong natutunan sa sarili ko. at dahil don nagpapasalamat ako.

would i dare go back to it if the situation pushes me to? hell no. hanggang kaya ko pipilitin kong hindi na kahit pa di rin yan maiiwasan dahil lang tao ako. siguro the point is, enjoy lang. may mga pagkakataon na magandang byahe ang nasasakyan natin, may mga araw ding bad trip pero siguro ang mahalaga ay kung anong ginawa natin habang nasa byahe tayo.

masaya parin ang buhay kahit ocassionally may sayad ang mundo.

my prayers for both of you. kapit lang tayo mga kaibigan. :)


from JAY: (medyo edited nga lang. may mga binura lang akong ibang linya.. hehehe)

SUBJECT: nandito lang ako

point by point:-

i never gave up. i delayed myself. and i'm heaads up for the reason why...

- kung ano ang wala sa iyo, hindi mo pa yun kailangan sa ngayon. gamitin mo ng maigi at mabuti ang kung ano ang meron ka. at alam mo kung anu-ano ang mga yun..

-wag mong isipin yung mga 'bakit' dahil yung mga tanong na yon ay laging may sagot. Hindi nga lang agad-agad... At magiging malinaw rin lahat IN DUE TIME. Mag- ingat ka rather sa 'paano'. Kasi yun either you know it or you don't. And it's up to you if you will know it or not.

-the person who never took the chance never had a chance.-excite yourself. do something noone expects you to do. not even you. i left my pride for a better daily life..

-your family cannot be compeled to do otherwise. that's why like i said during the last line, i decided to leave the house by next year.. i already looking for housemates na kilala ko..

-hindi malalaman kung ano yung mga mali kung matatakot kang magkamali. get there and if you're there, call for me (us).

we should talk. personally. tell me when. kahit sunduin kita sa haus nyo. (engeng sketch, if ever, hehe)

insomniac.
natatakot ako.
kaya hindi ako makatulog.
natatakot maulit muli ang walang pagbabagong araw ngayon,
pero kailangan ko pa ring ipikit ang mga mata ko aat mapanaginipan ang dapat sana ay mangyayari na sa buhay ko. kahit sandali lang. mahirap pero pipilitin ko, makalimutan lang ang sakit na dulot ng REALIDAD na MAKAKASAMA ko HABAMBUHAY

suzette, ivan, ME, jonald, jemai, darlene and shine- taken November 2, 05

my younger sister KAHLA, me, and my ATE BLAUNCH- taken the night before my bday

And now, im 22.

I woke up 6 am.
I waited for the sun to come out, then muni muni ng sandali. I thought about everything that had happened in the past 21 yrs. Of my so-called life. Merong malungkot, may masaya at nakakahiya. Naalala ko rin yung personal struggle na pinagdaanan ko 3 wks ago. It was kinda long compared sa mga previous melancholia ko. Akala ko nga hindi na ako makakarecover. Now, im filling out the spaces I missed. Kelangan kong bumawi sa mga nalampasan ko at mga nakalimutan ko.

Kaya nagsimba ako around 7am. I thanked the lord for all the blessing he has given me. Kahit minsan talagang feeling ko di ko na kinakaya at kadalasan kinukuwestiyon ko na siya. Ilang beses na ako bumitaw sa kanya pero I still find myself coming back to him. At siya, nadyan pa rin. Sumusubok. He just want me to realized and learned something…

Yahweh, thank you so much!


Hmmm. Right after the mass, MR DRUMMER boy was waiting for me outside the church. Treated me out for BRUNCH (hell, yeah, baliktad ang mundo) and had some nice talk. Although very limited lang yung time kasi alam kong pagod na siya at wala pang tulog galling gig. But he drove all the way from south. *sweet* he is such a nice person and I really appreciate such kindness. (That’s another story…)


Anyway, I went back home.
I got all those touching text messages from friends. Ang daming nakaalala kahit yung mga dating hindi nagpaparamdam. They made me feel important. Sana lagi ko nalang bday. Yahoo!

Tapos nag dinner naman kami nila AYN at ODETTE sa MARIO’s kitchen sa rob place. (the best ang sisig dito, try niyo!) LIBRE ULIT.

Nakakahiya na nga sa kanila. I didn’t spend even a single centavo, kahit ako pa naman yung celebrant. I told about it kasi nagseSELF-PITY na naman ako. Wala man lang kasi ako maishare sa kanila. Pero she told me na I dont have to feel that way and they want me to feel better and happy. Siguro this past few days ramdam nila yung bigat ng loob ko na tinatago ko. Hay kelan ba ako makakabayad sa dalawang ‘to. Ang hava na siguro ng utang ko at natatakot akong baka hindi ko na mabayaran. Hindi ko tuloy napigilang umiyak.

Nevertheless. Tagumpay sila at nabuo yung araw ko.

Imagine, I celebrated my birthday with some of the special people in my life. LUCKY ME.

Bago matapos ang gabi. Isang text mula ulit kay DB:

“you are so fortunate at 22 ka na. you should be thankful for that. Naging mabait ka kaya it pays kaya maraming nagmamahal sayo. Sana tuloy mo lang yan. Kahit daming hassle ang buhay, nandito naman ako, este kami. Mag iingat ka kagi.”- 23:36 Nov.13, 2005


salamat sa mga bumati. I really appreciate it. Ilabyouol. alam niyo na kung sino kayo.

i was once told by a friend na DONT give up searching for my life.
eh pano ano gagawin mo kung isang taong alam mong malakas ang loob at nagpapalakas ng loob mo dahil pareho kayo ng situtaion eh nag give up na lang and he just let the wind blows over his feet and gave up his independence. shet di ba.

PEOPLE change ika nga pero pano kung sarili mo minsan hindi mo maramdaman ng may nagbabago? "tatangapin nalang ba ang malupit na tadhana? o kayay tatanggapin nalang ba na sawi at di pinagpala"-- oo KANTA yan at tulad ng kanta na yan, sinasalamin niya ang nararamadaman ko.

potah,
madaling magbigay ng salita sa iba na KAYA mo yan pero sa totoo lang sa loob ko, napakahirap nun lalo na kung gusto mo talagang mag give up nalng at hayaan nalang ang IBANG TAO ang mag manipulate at magmaneho ng buhay ko.

sa totoo lang naiiyak na ako kung bakit patuloy kong pinagkakaiit sa sarili ko yung PAG ASA.
simula MAY 3 beses na akong nagresign.(prudential, aboitiz, mcu ) lingid sa kaalaman LALO ng ng mga KAIBIGAN ko. hindi ko sinsabi kasi alam kong isa lang ang madidinig ko: "BAKIT?".

at hanggang ngayon 3 na rin ang trabahong tinanggihan ko.
"bakit?" napakalaking tanong. kung BAKIT kasi yan nalang ang laging tinatanong, hindi ba pwedeng mauna muna yung tanong na "ANO... ano ang balak mo?"

madalas kong sinasabi ang problema ko sa mga BOY-frends ko kasi alam ko, (fixated na yata ako sa sasabihin ng mga babaeng katulad ko-- at ang katagang KAYA MO YAN, ANO KA BA? )sinasabi lang nila yun kasi wla sila sa lugar ko. at least kahit papano pag boy, mura ang inaabot ko. KATOTOHAN. kaya pasintabi sa iba kung sa iba niyo pa nalalaman ang problema ko.

nagalit may YUNG iba diya sa akin sa pagiging selfish ko. i think time naman na maging madamot ako sa oras, sa pramdam.

gusto ko muling maexcite.

********
naiinis ako sa daddy ko, sa mommy ko, sa mga kapatid ko...
kung bakit napakabait nila sa akin kasi hindi man lang nila tinatanong kung ano nararamadaman ko.

kung bakit mataas ang expectation sa akin samantalang hindi naman ako panaganay, na sa sobrang taas, wla akong napapala. na naaawa ako sa sarili ko kasi wla akong magawa, na inuunahan ako ng takot dahil ayaw kong PUMALYA. na feeling ko sa kahit anong lakas ng sigaw ko hindi ako madidinig.

napatuloy akong naghahanap at kung may nahanap, i turned it down because of that fear i feel.

i was about to leave last sept 23 for china.
hindi nila alam yun. hindi ko pinaalam.
placement nalang ang kulang, GO na dapat ako.
sept 14 na deadline, hindi ko pa rin sinasabi, hanggang sa naBLACKLIST na ako sa agency na yun.

hanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam yung gagawin ko. hindi ko alam kung may mangyayari sa akin o kung may mangyayari pa sa buhay ko.

pinili ko ngang hindi sabihin kahit sinong kaibigan ko, kasi ang balak ko mag teleport nalang ng wlang nakakaalam. para magugulat nalang yung iba.

ang masasabi ko lang "do not trust this hope, it has forsaken this land".

i dont need your WHY's i just need the word IM HERE.

napapagod na ako..




sabi nga ni jaz...
the mind is tired.
the heart is tired.
the spirit is wandering.
the soul is restlessly stirring.

last night was HALE's listers night. hmm..
yeaah i was there because of my dearest friend TRISHA.

im a CERTIFIED groupie. ulkkk.
i hate myself.
pero masaya ako kagabi.
nakita ko si chino, yung brother ni champ na nasa video nilang KAHIT PA.

i joined trish because of him not becasue of hale. hahaha

then tumugtog yung band na SANDO. nameet ko rin sila after the set kasi nilapitan namin sila. at dahil mababait sila, naenganyo ako bumili ng indie album nila. =D

medyo, sabog ang tenga ko ngayon dahil sa sobrang enthusiasm ng mga taong nagpunta dun kagabi. (90% na puro teen girls ang nandun). i dunno kung nandun ba sila for hale's music or they just wanted to see HALE. hmm. madaming magagalit sa akin nito. oh well. sorry.

trouble and fix you by coldplay and screaming infidelities ng dashboard C. were included in their covers song last night. tapos kulang nalang bigyan ng stretcher yung mga nandun at parang hihimatayin na.

buti nalang at wlang napahamak. hahaha!

Congrats to my dearest alma mater for winning the 68th season of UAAP. Another thing to be proud of about this school. Kahit I always received nega remarks from other people. Atleast I can say that I came from a school who thought me how TO BE SPORTS and HUMBLE inspite of being branded as JOLOGS at mahirap.

I think there is no need to be bitter about since archers did a very great job this season. I salute these players who really gave their best. Honestly, im always been a fan of YEO and ARAÑA. Kung pwede ko lang nga sila ipirata at palipatin sa PIYU ginawa ko na.

Sana lang walang personalan at tanggapin nalang na ganun talaga ang laban. I should not say this pero apparently, 2 of my friends (who doesn’t know each other and who belongs from the archers) texted me this same kind of message:

“ This loss should serve as a humbling experience to the archers and to the DLSU community as well. Being CHAMPION doesn’t mean YOU”RE on the TOP FOREVER. For the FEU tamaraws, our outmost congratulations”

“next year is the end of your TRIUMPH, no more SANTOS, ISIP and RIZADA. Whats next? We don’t know… for now, enjoy!”

“pinagbigyan lang naming kayo since may nagawa kaming kasalanan which wwwe asked for forgiveness already. We’ll bring back the TITLE NEXT YEAR”

hmm.. whats the point?
Useless diba?
Di naman sila halatang bitter niyan at parehong message lang ang pinapaikot nila sa lahat ng katext nila.

I deeply appreciate your greetings guys, but next time don’t act so BITTER huh. NAKAKABADING na eh! And don’t act like as if kayo na ang pumalit na JOLOGS AT MAHIRAP.

Everything’s behind me now and lets just put an end here. PERIOD!

BITCHeNESS ko lately…

Situation number 1:

Si “kuya oldie” grounder nakita ko sa isang concert with her girlfriend. We rarely see each other and we were both happy na nakita naming ang isat isa that day. Kahit hindi kami ganun close. Lumapit siya and lend his hand to me. Pinakilala rin niya yung PANGET niyang GF (hindi sa pagpintas at hindi dahil hindi siya nagging mabait sa akin, pero panget talaga). I politely smile and extend my hand kahit ang sama ng tingin niya sa akin na kulang nalang sakmalin ako at halos maputol ang kamay ko sa pagod dahil hindi niya ito inabot. FINE! Atleast ginawa ko ang dapat pero when I bid kuya oldie goodbye, I made IRAP rin to that pasosyal girl while making BESO to her boyfriend. HAHAHA, bahala silang mag away. Yung gf naman niya nauna eh. (patulan ko ba?)

Situation number 2:

I was on the last part of a nerve-wrecking interview. I thought im good not until the interviewer asked me…

MADAM AURING Look-alike interviewer: okey, so wha do you think of REGINE VELASQUEZ?

AKO: (sa loob loob ko, BAKIT? Anong tanong yun? Related ba yun? Icebreaker ba ito? Anong isasagot ko? I have to be honest..)
* umm.. we all know her, she is freakin regine velasquez. (o.oohhh, bakit ko nasabi yun? Patay, durog ako?! Nawala ako sa sarili ko? Bakit kasi tumatak sa isip ko yun eh?).
She is a great singer and an actress for most people but she doesn’t have originality. Her songs are purely REVIVALS. She can only sings but doesn’t have the talent for writing. (tuloy tuloy na naumpisahan ko na eh, wala ng bawian!)

Lagot ! halos magdikit na yung tattoo niyang kilay, so I stopped staring at her and looked around the room. Shet, dun ko lang nakita yung mga picture ni regine na naksabit sa wall ng buong kwarto.

LAST WORDS KO? Wala na! gusto ko ng lumubog sa kahihiyan, dahil di ko alam kung ano kaugnayan niya kay regine! Alam kong poker faced na ako nung mga minutong yun. At feeling ko rin yun na ang pinaka mahabang sandali ng buhay ko. Gusto ko na agad mag reincarnate sa hiya.

LAST WORDS NIYA: since the very first part of the interview, you’ve been very honest and I admire you for that. But I think you are so HONEST to be part of our company. I’m very sorry. Thank you and goodbye.

….am a psychology graduate. I was trained to have a good judgment. But I think my training wasn’t good enough. =(

Situation number 3:

my friend has a obsessed suitor, he told her that he will kill himself if she will never be his GF. So I asked my friend to tell that crazy man to go and kill his self. I think she or even other people don’t have something to do with his paranoia. Its his choice, konsensya niya yun. At kamay nya mismo mag eexecute ng krimen sa sarili niya. I think those who really intend to kill themselves don’t announce it to the world. The one who do just need sympathy or want to catch the attention of their loved ones =D.

Everyone is talking about Pinoy Big Brother. I honestly confess that I watch it everyday. Becoz I want to fill in my time and there is no other choice pag nasa bahay ako =D DEFENSIVE ME! Okey… yeah im watching it not to be entertain and to enjoy every freaking moment of it but becoz im expecting and hoping that as day goes by somehow Philippine TV would offer me something that has aesthetic value o kahit anong values. It is really disappointing for me to found out nothing and to fool myself na WALA NA NAMAN TALAGANG PAG ASA eh!

Ang BIG BRO. sa ibang bansa e hit talaga. Mas exciting. Walang bawal, walang limitation. Kahit pakikipagdu “do” captured on camera. Unlike PBB, sa FIL-CULTURE? Sa isang konserbatibong bansa na lahat bawal. so wats so exciting on that? Yun bang pagsasayaw ng naka swimsuit? Senseless conversation? Ang pag experiment sa papel bilang sigarilyo? (ginawa yun ng isang hawsmate) just to pamper his mouth?

PBB is another distressing mimicry on local tv. But then IMITATION from foreign shows is a big part of phil. History.

Ang nakakatuwa lang siguro sa akin ngayon ay yun kulang nalang ihagis ako palabas ng mga sisters ko dahil sa mga side comments ko while watching with them. I am such a bitch. Buwisit. Pakialamera.

Pag tapos ng unang season ng palabas na ito sigurado ako may paglalagyan ang bawat isa sa kanila sa telebisyon. Let’s wait and see.

matutulog muling bantulot
kung gigising pang walang puot
loob na may nanunuot
na sugat na walang saplot

MTV PILIPINAS 2005

maganda yung concept this year, BOXING.
tado and ramon bautista were so funny.

panoodin niyo. it will be shown late september!

last night was so great. RIVERMAYA <ang banda ng bayan> bagged 2 major awards. BEST SONG and BEST GROUP for the song BALISONG.

kudos!

*************

congrats rin sa RADIO ACTIVE SAGO project. mahal na mahal ko yung video nilang ASTRO. fortunately, they won the best VIDEO and best DIRECTOR categories.

*************
(kahit inidian mo ako, masaya pa rin ako! kala mo!)

*************
next time na ang buong kwento,
mauulan kasi,
may SUDDEN MOOD DISORDER na naman ako.

*************
im sick =(

REST IN PEACE WOLFMANN
Hindi man talaga ako ganun ka FAN o nakakarelate sa music niya pero nakakalungkot lang ang biglaang paglisan ng isang music HERO. nakulangan na naman ng magagaling na nilalang sa MUNDO NG MUSIKA.

my friendster FAYEgrounder (of CYBELLE's ROBE) posted this and KATHY MENESES of DAYDREAM CYCLE also confirmed the news.


Hi guys,

Kramer - Thank you for the kind words. We hardly get to see
eachother nga pero I'm happy that you were able to witness such awonderful
event.

I, unfortunately, am posting because of a tragic and terrible
event.My friend and peer in the business, Wilfrid Hernandez, aka WOLFMANN,has
passed away..

He was also at Rockestra, and joined the impromtu celebration
at 3rdFloor along Katipunan. We were all so happy that Rockestra was a
successful and fun venture.

I arrived there around 12 MN (yata). Wilfrid arrived about
10minutes after. He made me beso and sat down at the table next tomine. About
15-20 minutes after that, all I saw was Vin (TwistedHalo), Buddy (Twisted Halo
and Cambio) and Zack helping him out ofhis chair and down the stairs. Diego
(Sandwich and The Bitter Pill)was also helping in the move.

They rushed him to the nearest (and safest) hospital, QCMC,
wherethey tried desparately to revive him. We were all there, waiting andpraying
for him.He was moved to St. Luke's at around 3 AM, Saturday, where he lay,in a
coma.

I went to St. Luke's with Chill, also a member of this list,
ataround 2 PM where I received word that Wilfrid was practically braindead with
the heart the only thing functioning.At around 3 PM today, I received news that
his blood pressure dropped to a dangerous point. 30 minutes later, Vin had
texted thathe passed away.Wilfrid was one of the key people who helped me
organize the veryfirst EB.

Since then, he has been such a wonderful and dear friend.He
was so happy when I saw him after Rockestra, and when he arrivedat 3rd
Floor.

Please pray with us - his friends and myself. His family and
friendsare in a great deal of pain - this was very quick and
veryunexpected.

Wilfrid.. I miss you.

Blessed be,

Trish

LETS pray for his soul

RIVERMAYA GIG: CANCELLED

Ang excitement ko nauwi sa INIS.

ang pagdayo ko sa SM North kahapon ay hindi biro.

maulan. mahangin. trapik.

confirmed daw kaya ako nagpunta.

tapos nung nandun na ako sa venue...

CANCELLED pala.

may sakit daw si KUYA RICO

ayos.

sabi pa naman ng mommy ko sa sm tayuman nalang daw ako magpunta at malapit lang..

mahirap daw bumiyahe.

nandun naman daw ang HALE.

hindi pwede dahil ang tagal ko ng absent sa gig ng MAYA.

yun pala sila ang absent.

ouch!

*******************************************************************************

My dad and I had a very big fight over the fone last week. That was the very first time i spoke up. i never really have the tongue to argue with my dad (even to anybody...) regarding THAT matter kahit pa noon.. He started the fire so i got pissed off. I was forced to tell him everything i never intended to. Thank god shortly after, he realized something and he texted me back apologizing.

I did too. SORRY rin. A million SORRY. If only i could shout it over and over again just to prove na hindi ko sinasadya.

Much have been said but i told him how much i appreciate every sacrifice he's doing for us..
and how much i LOVE him...
How much i love our FAMILY (if thats how they wanted to call it)..

=(

two at a time

emo...

paalam o kay tamis na kataga

na bumuhay at nagbigay ng sigla

sa loob kong dukha

na di pinagpala

pipiltin na makabangon

sa pagkakatulog kahapon

mahirapan man sa pag iyak

haharapin ng pusong wasak

****************************************************

matutulog ako ngayong masama ang loob

sa labis na pagdurusa ng damdaming

mula sumikat ang araw ay puro hinanakit ang kasama.

sana sa pagtilaok ng manok

hatid nito'y baong pag asa

TUMATAKBO- "MOJOFLY

laging bigo

laging sawi sa pag-ibig

may balat nga ba ako sa pwet?

mabuti pa ang tindera sa aming kanto

nakakainggit

tl..ang sweet nila ng kanyang nobyo

gusto ko lang maranasang umibig

tamaan ni kupidogusto ko lang maranasan ang langit

tumibok muli ang puso ko

CHORUS:

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na akong panahon

Di na nagbago bawat araw

pare-pareho parang kahapon

May birthday cake ka nga

ngunit wala namang kandila

may christmas tree na malupet

wala naman dekorasyong pansabit

sadyang ganyan ang aking buhay

walang kasing tamlay

ayoko sanang tumandang nag-iisa

(chorus)

tatanggapin na lang baang malupit na tadhana

o kaya'y tatanggapin na lang na ako'y sadyang hindi pinagpala

tigilan na ang drama

punasan na ang luha

*wala na sigurong ibang kantang makakapag-describe sa nararamdaman ko ngayon kung hindi yang kanta na yan. sawing sawi at tagos tagusan. LSS ko yan kahit nananaginip ako sa tanghali.

*what would u do if somebody close to your heart tell you this "BURAHIN MO NA AKO SA FONE MO, BUBURAHIN NA KITA!" ... alam kong mababaw sa iba pero sa akin , mahirap tanaggapin ang mga salitang yan. potah, gagawin niyo ba yung sinabi niya? ano mararamdaman mo? suicide bang matatawag pag gagawin ko nga ang kalimutan siya kahit half of me is telling me not to? is it okey if i still cry for the NTH time?

i had such a great time listening to the album of this girl. my cooling effect siya sa akin na hindi ko maintindihan.
i love the way she sound. try niyo rin =D

************************************************************************

para naman maup-lift yung outlook nga mga lolang katulad ko ito naman ang must have.

yeahboy!!

BITTER OCAMPO

BITTER OCAMPO

im craving for a close human contact for GOD SAKE.. im trying not to be like this but insecurities keeps on hunting me... look parang everybody around already have their cuddling partners, while me? eto, creating my own music without someone to share with. FUCK, ang sakit di ba? i dont want to feel this way, but unfortunately, ang tulad ko ay hindi EXEMPTED.

• si AYN KRISSY found her JAMES YAP and thats KUYA DAN.
• MAMA bear NET and PAPA bear YAS are undeniably getting stronger everyday.
• morCON and AMBOY... five years and still counting...
• Supervisor ODETTE (?), a ministop owner suitor, a blah, and blah, another blah and the list goes on..
• DANICS, happily married.
• EVELYN a former nun-turned-bitch meron na rin.
• JOY dumating na yung pinagnovena niya. kahit daw BINGI pero binigay rin ni lord kahit may kapansanan.
• bestest friend DIANA very much happy with mr. SMART manager..
• ako? PAULA BIANCA FAJARDO A... 21 y/o, unemployed, single bastard and on her way to DESPERATION.

hindi ako BITTER. hindi nga ako BITTER. sinabi ng hindi ako BITTER..

im just an innocent bystander when ever i watched you play.

kill me now or ill go nuts and not be able to conceive people like him.

ilabhimpramis...

SM MALLS

WATER REFILLING STATION, para ring REYES HAIR CUTTERS at VIDEO CITY. kung medyo mataas na level of comparison and rampantness... JOLLIBEE o AMA COMPUTER LEARNING CENTER sa bawat lugar. ang bilang ng mga itoy hinahabol na rin ata ng SM MALLS. kung hindi ako nagkakamali meron ng 12 branches yan dito palang sa metro manila.

• *SM sta cruz- isa sa pinaka una at pinaka ayaw ko sa lahat ng dahil ang fanget ng hitsura at niluma na ng panahon. parang kademo-demolish na saa kalumaan at kasikipan. tuloy pag pumapasok ako dun hindi ako makahinga. (actually ginagawa ko siyang daanan patungong quiapo church.)
• SM harrison..
• SM manila- ang paborits naming puntahan nila mader.
• SM cubao- mas class ng konti to kesa sa SM sta.cruz dahila laging nirerenovate.
• SM sucat- malaaki ang supermarket section kaya astig dito mag grocery.

• SM las pinas- una at huli kong punta dito nung promotion ng TULOY ANG LIGAYA album ng paborito kong banda... RIVERMAYA.. so thats 2-3 years ago i think..
• SM coastal road- ????
• SM mega AB mall- ang pinaka abnormal sa lahat ng SM pero pinaka trip kong puntahan. hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na akong nagtungo dito pero naeengot pa rin ako... ehehehe
• SM bicutan
• SM north edsa- nung college ko lang nalamman na SM WEST rin pala ang tawag dito. (sabi ng ilang ginagaw na pala yung building 3 nito
• SM makati- daanan ng mga galing glorietta patungong MRT AYALA STATION
• SM sta.mesa-???
• SM farview- from the name itself. far siya sa akin kaya hindi ko pa napupuntahan.
• SM tayuman- ang pinaka latest addition sa SM MALLS at pinaka accessible to sa akin.

.. ayon sa tsismis, ginagawa na rin yung magiging main branch at pinaka sa lahat ng SM. it will be located along Macapagal Road. na tatawaging SM ASIA. (ang alam ko yung place na yun yung dating dagat ng manila bay na tinambakan-- e di malabot pa rin yung ilalaim nun? ganun rin yung ginawa sa navotas at malabon di ba? kaya kahit hindi umuulan eh lumulubog pa rin ito sa baha. at bumaba ang kalidad ng lupa every year ng 1cm?)- medyo O.T.

anyway, tapos may panibagong planong SM na gagawin sa may caloocan kaya malamang kung matutloy yun ang kaibigan kong si diana at ang familia niya eh mawawalan na ng bahay at lupa dahil tuluyan ng bibilin at papalayasin na sila kasama pa ang 2, 000 pamilya sa lugar.

bakit parang gustong gusto ng mga SY bawat lugar magkaroon ng branch ang shoemart? oo ngat maraming trabahong mabubuksan pero san naman nila balak irelocate ang mga taong mawawalan ng bahay at kabuhayan?

it is raining right now, and i am having so many vision regarding sa 2 commercial na napapanood ko ngayon sa TV.

onli in d pilipens:

ive seen this CLOSE UP FLAVALICIOUS COMMERCIAL and guesshuwattt?? toothpaste that are chocolate flavor, lychee and umm....... i forgot the other one. anak ng OTAP. anong lasa nun? hindi ko alam at gustong gusto ko silang bilin lahat. lalo ng yung chocolate Weird but fun! Its more like grownup's kid toothpaste and take note its limited edition.

pangalawa yung website na pinopromote ng KBP. http://www.phil-job.net/. i visited the page at akoy namangha, nagulat at nagulumihanan sa nakitang NAPAKADAMING trabahong nakalagay doon. how come until now i havent found one yet? fakhet

NAPAKADAMING TAO:

mga raliyistang nagkukumahog makarating sa PASEO. mabilis ang bawat lakas nila.

samantalang ang mga tuhod koy halos kaladkadin na ng mga taong bumabangga sa akin. bantulot akot wala sa sariling binabagtas ang kahabaan ng AYALA. hinahanap ko pa rin siya, umaasang masasalubong ko man lang siya sa ganitong pag kakataon.

MAINGAY:

suntok sa buwang madinig ko ang boses niya, sa gitna ng ibat ibang grupong sumisigaw ng kanilang hinaing sa gobyerno. huminto akot tumingala sa kalangitang naghahati sa liwanag at kadiliman. lumilipad ang mga helicopter na kalmadong nagmamatiyag sa bawat kilos ng mga nasa lupa.

ALAALA KO:

muli, eto ako at binabalikan ang nakaraan... ang mga sandaling yun.

malinaw pa rin sa akin, at tulad ng dati bumabalik ang mga pangyayari. habang sa aking pagtayo sa gitna ng daan, ang mga luha ko at pag asa'y nasama na rin sa ulang dulot ng mga pulang trak =(

SUICIDE

since last week two of my friends were discussing to me theri ideas of DEATH particularly SUICIDE.

ISH who happened to have a project with her ehheemmm BOSS kaya she gathered opinion. ny other friend was actually in his BLUES STATE. pareho silang nakaapekto sa panananaw ko about this matter.

usually we hear from people is very often that the person who hangs himself, slive her wrist o kaya uminom ng lason (tulad ng baygon/ alcohol etc) ay sinsabing MAHINA to face and resolve problem. kung hindi naman may SAKIT SA ULO. they refer SUICIDE as INSANITY. but i think a person who commits it may not be the SANEST person on earth though he could be SANER and stronger than most.

sabi ng essay ni DL Generoso na nabasa ko dati "SUICIDE is not limited to killing onself. it can also be acts that put one's life in grave danger, pursuing a life that leads to PREMATURE DEATH or knowingly walking into an INVITAION TO DIE."

kung ganun pala, si NINOY AQUINO nag commit ng suicide. bumalik kasi siya ng pinas despite ng lahat ng warning na pwede siyang iassassinate. mas lalo na siguro si JESUS CHRIST di ba? who went on with his CHRISTIANIZATION of the world,, fully aware that by his acts he would be CRUCIFIED. sensible ba ako?
ibig sabihin rin kasi suicide ring masasabi kung hindi ako laging humahawak sa loob ng JEEPNEY lalo na pag mabilis yung takbo nito kahit na alam kong pwede akong tumalsik sa labas ano mang oras mabangga yung sasakyan. =D


sabi ni ish sa mga pinoy daw yung concept natin ng SUICIDE nag umpisa nung mga bata pa tayo. kasi sa isang taon ng pag -aaral nag coconsume tayo ng 180 days sa pagkanta araw araw ng BAYANG MAGILIW este LUPANG HINIRANG na pinaparating natin sa kanta na lahat tayo ready "MAMATAY NG DAHIL SAYO"... hehehee

dito na kami nag argue. kasi it is dying for a CAUSE. bakit kasi okey mamatay for a cause, for another person, para sa BAYAN? pero hindi pwede sa sarili?

siguro dati hindi ko maintindihan at sarado isipan ko. kasi karamihan din ayaw ng ganito. most of us dont like it because it makes us feel guilty and responsible for the act. somehow lalo na pag factor tayo o related tayo dun sa nag o mag susuicide. i prefer not to look at it that way anymore. id like to think that maybe, they have a more DEFINED and CONCRETE concept, of and a STRONGER FAITH in the AFTERLIFE.

salamat sa mga friends kong ito at ang dami kong natutunan.

=D

THINGS THAT OUR PARENTS TAUGHT US WHEN WE WERE STILL KIDS

1.How to appreciate a job well donemother: "kung kayong dalawa e magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga puny*** kayo!kalilinis ko lang ng bahay!"

2. Religionmother: "kapag ung mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na."

3.Logicmother: "kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko"

4. More Logicmother: :Kapag ikaw nalaglag dyan sa bubong, ako lang ang manunuod ng sine"

5. IronyM: "sige ngumalngal ka, bibigyan kitan ng iiyakan mo!"

6. ContortionismM: "tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!"

7. Behavior modificationfather: "tatadyakan kita dyan, wag ka ngang nag-uumarte dyan na parang nanay mo!"

8. Anticipationm: "tang'na kang bata ka! hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay...!"

9.HumorM: "kapag naputol yang mga paa mo sa lawn mower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!..."

10. GeneticsM: "nagmana ka nga sa ama mong walanghya!"

11. WisdomM: "pag umabot ka na ng edad ko, saka mo pa lang maiintindihan ang lahat..."


funny yet true... yeah?!!!

Taken from JUVILS friendster bulletin.

unti unti na kaming iniiwasan ni daddy! hindi na magtatagal at iiwan na niya kami ng tuluyan. kailangan ngayon palang matutunan na ng mga kapatid ko at ni mader tangapin na nagsawa na siya sa amin. na pagod na siya sa amin kabibigay ng mga hinihingi at gusto namin. at tiyak ko rin pagod na yun magtrabaho para sa amin. buong buhay niya kami nalang lagi at siguro, para sa kanya, sarili naman niya ngayon ang pagbibigyan niya. sa isang banda siguro maganda yun, dahil nakita ko naman na kung gaano siya nagsasakripisyo para sa amin. ultimong lumang wallet at relos hindi niya pa mapalitan at pinagtityagaan niya pa yun para lang sa mga luho namin. Pero, hanggang dun nalang ba yun? SAAN BA NAGTATAPOS ANG OBLIGASYON AT RESPONSIBILIDAD NG MGA MAGULANG? pag ba nakatapos na ang kanyang mga anak? pag nabili na ba niya ang mga gusto ng mga anak niya? pag ba may naipindar na rin sila? o pag nag -asawa na rin ba ang mga anak nila? SAAN ba? AKO, hindi ko rin alam. hindi ko pa alam. Siguro kahit papano, may kasalanan at pagkukulang kami sa dada ko, maaaring malaki at hindi na mapagtakpan . pero kung iisipin ko, bumabalik ang SISI sa mga magulang ko kung bakit kami sinanay bigyan ng mga gusto namin. Pagod na ako mag isip. TANGGAP ko na NOON pa. tapos na ang mga nalalaman ko, ang mga naimbestigahan ko, ang mga pinagtakpan ko.

tama na sa mga sakit na nadulot ng mga ito. ilan kong kinikimkim at tinatago na tanging ako lang at si lord at mga taong involve ang nakakaalam.

mahabang pang unawa lamang ang kailangan ng bawat isa.

reyna ng kasablayan

lagot ako sa mommy ko pagdating niya mamaya!

hindi ko alam kung ano magiging reaction niya pag nakita nyang defrosted na yun refrigerator namin, pwede siyang matuwa kasi ngayon ko lang ginawa yun matapos ang mahabang panahon ng katamaran. Pero mas malaki ang posibilidad na magalit siya dahil yun electric fan namin nag-split into two. hahaha.

kasi yun nga lilinisin ko yung ref namin kaya tatapatan ko sana ng electric fan para mabilis matunaw yung iceberg sa loob. habang binibuhat ko, bigla na lang... ay naku po! mabilis ang pangyayari at bigla nalang nabagsak ang ulo ng kawawang electric fan namin. naiwan yung katawan niya sa kamay ko. habang dahan dahan ko tinitingnan ang kuamalas elesi sa mga paa ko.

anak ng OTAP! imbes na kabahan ako ng mga oras na yun eh, natawa ako mag-isa. dahil sa tagal tagal naming gamit yung STAND FAN na yun eh sa isang iglap nakita ko siyang naging WALL FAN. pagkatapos ng ilang minutong state of shock. binalik ko sa katawan yung ulo nung fan. pero tingin ko eh babagsak siya anumang oras. kaya tinalian ko ng plastic na tali. kaya kugn mapansin ng mama ko yun, tiyak tiyak ako.

sa feeling ko kasing mababaliw ako mag-isa sa bahay kanina, bigla ko nalng naisipan mag linis ng ref. at naisipan ko pang dalhin at buhatin yung fan sa harap ng ref. na kinasamaan paalad eh ganun nga ang nangyari. PERO infairness umandar pa naman siya kahit medyo hiwalay na siya sa katawan niya...

HAHAHAHA, hanggang ngayon natatawa pa rin ako. pero mamaya ewan ko kung makakatawa pa ako. lagot!

i have fought the good fight
i have finished the race
i have kept the faith
but, why am i still in malady?

another emotional journey....

non-sensical

It's been a long time since I actually typed in something here. I've been busy lately... actually I was sick. Maybe up to this time I am not used to (agen), applying for work, communicating and sucking up to the many people. Yes, I am not a social being anymore. Therefore I am not human. And what am I? I am a vampire? BWAHHAHAHAHAH! Ok, I'll shut up. ..wait... not yet... I still have some things to say, like how I will offer myself for the happiness of others or for the many to be exact. Sometimes you know, it's better not to care, not to love cause you really get attached and the world without those people you 'learned' to have feelings for would be a lonely place. Am I talking pure nonsense?

Good, because *points above* this is purely nonsense stuff.

But really, after i watched this band performed suddenly the world became so damn colorful that I am starting to wish now that I met him before pa or we became classmate/friend instead of being just a fan. Damn my heart! Damn these feelings! well, ano nga ba ang napapala ko sa kanya? Hell!

wahhh. Pure emotional torture sinking into you! Ok, I’ll stop…one more minute and I’ll suffer from suffocating pain again.



Quote for the day: I can only love him …He can only hurt me…

Question for the day: When does the hurting stop?

music video

have you guys seen kyla's video of til they take my heart away? take notice of the 3 guys in one corner of the resto's.. was that glen that's playing a guitar? yes glen the FEU soccer player...

oh, well isa na namang batchmate na gustong sumikat.. GOODLUCK.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!

most of the time we find it difficult to tell our FATHER how much we love and care for him.
and on this SPECIAL day, we should not think that merely showering him with most expensive gift. the words we need to utter is the most precious gift they can have.


I LOVE YOU DAD. thanks for sharing your life on us.

comfortably numb...

"Comfortably Numb" done in the BeeGee's Staying Alive style.... kinda Numb meets disco fever.......
A song so true and for me..... one to share tonight,

Sailing through the tunnels

In the morning by yourself

There's a very special feeling

True sensation all is well

If you stand and reach your arms out wide

Close your eyes and try to fly

It's an underground illusion

Tricking you from side to side

We knew all the answers

And we shouted them like anthems

Anxious and suspicious

That God knew how much we cheated

It can't come quickly enough

And now you've spent your life

Waiting for this moment

And when you finally saw it come

It passed you by and left you so defeated

Skyscrapers rise between us

Keeping me from finding you

If the concrete architecture

Dissapeared there'd be so few

Of us left to navigate and

Defend ourselves from the tide

It's an underground illusion

Tricking you from side to side

There's no indication of

What we were meant to be

Sucking up to strangers

Throwing wishes to the sea

It can't come quickly enough

And now you've spent your life

Waiting for this moment

And when you finally saw it come

It passed you by and Left you so defeated

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


"I don't know what to do When we talk I feel like I've died twice " It promises to be a busy week. There are a lot of things the Demons and I have been discussing. Work. Life. Love. Friends, ( Okaaayy. This is definitely one of those days when I feel that the whole world is mad at me. My friends seem so distant and I don't know why. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day)

hey i have a life!!!

I Am Grateful For
......my family
....my friends and loved ones
....a good education
....the house we live in
....the chance to teach little kids as a volunteer (ehemmm)
...my new shirt
...every new opportunity that comes my way

I Wish......
to be a better person....
that I could make a difference in this world someday
....for world peace (cliche as it may sound)
....that innocent people won't have to suffer
....that the cruel people of this world will soon face their punishments
....to find the right guy to love and who will love me in return
...soon. ;)

These are just a few of my gratitudes and wishes. I know of someone who keeps a "gratitude book" and a "wishbook". There, she puts everything she is thankful for, as well as all the wishes and desires of her heart. She also decorates it and puts all these drawings or pictures in order to make it a little more fun. I think I might start my own gratitude & wish book too!

I believe that through this, we'd be able to focus more on the positive side of life. We get to reflect on the blessings we have received, and we look forward to the future by enumerating our wishes, dreams and desires, no matter how small they are.

I suggest you make one too. I'm sure it'll be fun. And I'm sure doing this will keep our minds off worries, even for a while. :) There are just some things that I want to share to only a few selected people. Not that I don't trust the others. It's just that I don't want them to know everything that's on my mind...yet. So I decided to create a new blog. Here I could rant and rave all I want without having second thoughts.

Well, that's it for now. I'll have to start customizing this thing. Later!

(maybe most of you would like to visit my old blog, here's the link:)

She's Too Young

I watched this movie last night at the Hallmark Channel. It's about teenage sex. In the film, a bunch of fourteen year-old kids have been diagnosed with syphillis, a sexually transmitted disease. Some of them have had sex with not one, not two, but almost twenty sex partners.I've always had an open mind about teenage sex. I knew it was wrong and immoral, but I was never against it. I've always believed that because this is a stage wherein kids our age begin to have raging hormones and are not yet fully responsible to handle certain things, sex is hard to control. And like they always say, iba na ang panahon ngayon. Kids are more liberated and "wild".But this movie opened my eyes to different realities.

1. I learned that it is best to wait for the right time before having sex for it may bring many dangers that may ruin our lives forever.

2. I also learned that I should stick to the values my family and my schools have been teaching me. The "right time" is when we are married. The "right partner" is the person we love.

3. Hindi nagbabago ang panahon. Each person just has his or her own values.

Like what I said earlier, teenage sex is still hard to control. There are many factors that influence and play with the minds of teenagers --- TV shows, their environment, song lyrics. This is why I believe that kids should be guided by their parents and the school until he is mature enough to know his responsibilities and limitations. Sad to say though, that not everyone has the privelege to be raised up properly. That's why I am lucky.

Again, we just all have to wait for the right time. And when that right time comes, I'm sure it'll be beautiful and much more exciting. ;)You may catch the movie again at the Hallmark Channel.

getting a life and moving on...

i considered everyday of my life is in doldrums. yes, i may sound so nega here but thats the way i see it. infairness i would end up concluding that those loneliness im getting would help me up to seek my own happiness. (thank god im taking my way back to sanity.. again!) labo ba? malabo talaga ako. most of my emotions i poured into my past journals can be summed up in one BIG word: SADNESS- and my response to that? HAPPINESS siyempre. how? i always try to find time for my self. i watch gigs, listen to music, rearranger my blog, text and call unlimitedly. my source of happiness is still myself for you info. most of the time kahit feeling ko walang nakakaintindi sa akin, pinipilit kong maging okey. no one undertstand me unless they've been to my situation. sometimes i feel so helpless. tapos minsan pag nandun na ako sa point na yun, nagakkataon na no one is available. no one is there to listen, to answer my fucking sentiments in text. kaya nga i learned to suppressed all of my pain.

how i wish from chronic depression sana hindi maging heart attack ang aabutin ko nito.

haay wag naman..

life goes on...

move on move on paula.

someone told me that im gaining weight lately...
ummmm.. it was not very good too hear especially now that i am more concer on my tummy... argh!
i hate it. it grows bigger and bigger everyday. wala kasing ginawa kung hindi kumain. niykes ang panget talaga.

vacation is near, tiyak ko hindi ako makakapag diet nito.


=( sad paula

i'm damaged inside,

still i act cool.

sabi ko na nga at walang nakakaintindi sa akin.
tatanunging ako kung ano yung problema ko tapos yung ineexpect kong sagot, hindi yun ang madidinig ko. instead, yung sisi agad. na-iinsecure tuloy ako sa sarili ko. kahit anong gawin kong tama, mali pa rin sa iba. hindi man lang naaapreciate kahit yung maliit na bagay na ginagawa ko sa tang * inang opisina na yun. hindi man ako pagod physically pero emo at morally tortured ako dun. lagi nalang akong may emotional baggage. kahit pag dating sa bahay, sasabihin ng mama ko, nagpapaapekto lang daw ako sa mga officemate ko, kasi im havign the same reactions daw towards my boss. eh pano nga kung yun lang ang dapat na reaction?

hirap na nga ako sa pagpigil ng gusto kong sabihin, tapos kahit yung malapit sa akin hindi ako maintindihan???

konting pang-unawa lang hinihiling ko!