before i think our calling is not necessarily quitting our job and searching the wilderness and trying to find the meaning of life. i rbelieve that my CALLING is being able to do my best under the circumstances im in. its all about doing my work well and trying to help people the best way i can, given the situation im in and ultimately, my test is this- IF I CAN LOOK AT THE MIRROR EVERYDAY AND I LIKE WHAT I SEE, THEN I KNOW I AM LIVING MY CALLING. but what if i dont see my REAL self anymore??? what if im seeing my SUPERFICIAL SELF??? what if i hate what i see?

i think sometimes its just a matter of looking at the mirror and realize that OUR calling is inside all along.


help me find myself.

please

eto text ko sa mama ko nung nalaman niyang plano kong magresign sa trabaho ko.

"ma, hindi ko kailangan ang PAGHUHUSGA o kahit anong paninisi sa huli. mas kailangan ko ang suporta niyo dahil hindi rin madali sa akin ang magdesisyon. lam niyo namang matagal kong hinintay 'to na dumating. pero hindi ko na kaya pang magtiis sa isang bagay na labag sa loob ko.sana maintindihan niyo ko, ang pinagdadaanan ko."

but until now, wala pang reply si mader. ano man yun ayaw ko ng hintayin, ayaw kong basahin. natatakot ako sa magiging reaction nila. ano man yun hindi ako takot.


binibigyan ko ang sarili ko ng TANING.

naisip kong bigyan yung sarili ko ng pagkakaabalahan kaya i joined a non-civic org and it was fun to know that i can give help in some little ways. i just hope that i can maintain my duties & responsibilities. Buti na ito. atleast im compensating kesa naman im CRYING or THINKING all the time.

=D

im just waiting for GOD to lay his hands over me..

im so sick and tored of what's happening with my life. i want some CHANGES. unlike before, i am no longer afraid of whatever effect of CHANGE will bring to my fucking life. i know that there is something store for me but i dont know until when will i going to wait for that BIG MOMENT. nakakainip.

im beginning to HATE my self, to LOOSE trust to myself. and most of all IM LOOSING myself; my OWN SELF. those people around me never considers my feelings. right now, i dont know how to define SANITY to INSANITY anymore. feeling ko wala na ako sa sarili. im weighing myself in between actually.

sawang saw na ako sa buhay ko!

kelan kaya ako ulit liligaya?
tang- *na gusto ko ng magalaho sa mundo.
sana pagtulog ko mamaya hindi nalang ako magising. i hope i'll have a peaceful sleep. im ready to resign myself to fate. OH GOD PLEASE LET ME!

i am no longer afraid of death but i FEAR dying. im afraid of the PAIN and what my LOVED ones have to go through. takot akong mag-suicide baka hindi ako matanggap sa langit at ayokong ako ang gagawa sa ikakamatay ko. kaya lagi nalang akong nagdadasal kay LORD na wag na niya akong pahirapan. kunin na niya ako sa PAGTULOG ko.

my life is in mellow dramatic stage and im painstakingly fighting every sucking time of it. being in DOLDRUMS is not easy you may think. what im going through right now is what i call. MID-LIFE CRISIS.

halo-halo yung gumugulo sa isip ko.

sa CAREER
sa PAMILYA
sa SARILI KO
sa LOVELIFE.

ewan.

sa edad 21, alam mo yun parang kulang sarili ko, parang abnormal, parang kulang ang oras. parang mabagal ang phasing ng buhay ko. parang walang nag-aapreciate at umiintindi sa akin kahit pa alam kong MARAMI AKONG KAIBIGAN pero ASAN SILA NGAYON? KUNG KELAN KAILANGAN KO NG TULONG AT MAKIKINIG sa akin. saan? WALA.

living in the past..

occasionally i find myself dwelling in the past and entertaining the notion that the GOOD OLD DAYS will MAGICALLY come back.

letting go of someone you REALLY love and cherish is quite difficult. you'll never know where to get the emotional strength and wisdom to achieve this feat. May time na i want to hold and yet i want to end everything. Kahit yung memory ko minsan gusto ko na ring mawala para hindi ko na siya maaalala pa.

i am so affected lately by the VALENTINE sadness syndrome. i dunno i feel that im lacking something kahit ano pang deny ang gawin ko sa sarili ko. MALUNGKOT ako. tama. sa edad ko feeling ko nahuhuli na ako sa iba. feeling ko abnormal. ang panget ng feeling lalao na pag na-aawkward ako pag napag uusapan yung LOVE life.

all i know is that im inlove and will always been inlvoe with this star who will never ever fall for me.

sana kahapon nalang ulit para masaya ako.

welcome to my new home!

finally.

new home
new insight
new life.

im taking away my past so that i can move on... (hopefully!)


hope to hear from all of you again...