Effects of Anorexia

effects of anorexia
A year ago, i would have described myself as a positive, enthusiastic person who could cope with just about anything. but there I was sitting in a taxi, crying uncontrollably because the driver didnt understand where i wanted to go. its been a stressful office week i told myself. its a one -off! but a couple of days later i found myself having a tantrum in Spinneys- virtually throwing things because the line were taking so long.

I burst out, eyes brimming with tears. not just a one -off then.

and certainly not a normal reaction to a five minute delay. those tears became a regular part of that week, in the morning at work. and then panic attacks started. imagine waking up and remembering you have the most important exam of your life that day. cramming. there are some days I had to leave the office and go for a walk around the block because i felt i couldn't breathe and if i dont walk im ready to get off anyone's head. just feeling my face on heat everytime someone mess with me.

food doesn't seem to be palatable for me no matter how colorful or good it smells. i didnt feel the hunger at all.

Ironically, my life is close to perfection as it had never been. family problems manageable, i'd got my dram job, i was with the man i wanted to be with forever and living and working overseas which i'd always loved doing. it didn't make sense. and everyone around me seemed to be having such a fantastic time. what was wrong with me?

i'm a psychology graduate and no need to scan my DSM IV just to know why am i going through these. i know there is problem but too denial to accept it?

recently im confused/ i dont know, i just feel left out. i feel that i'm begging for attention that no one seems to notice. i feel sorry for myself. i pity myself because i know i dont deserve it to be. i should not be crying over him.

they told me i'm getting heavier this time.

insult huh. thinking im not eating anything.

i feel so low. this is not just another melancholia.

this is chronic. and no one can help me but myself only.

paula gamitin mo nga pagka psych grad mo!

adik. hay

first day

Napakalungkot ko ngayong araw na ito.
Ayaw ko lang sigurong aminin.
Pagising ko palang sa umaga, parang may kulang na.
Hindi lang tulog...
dahil alam ko sa sarili may kulang talaga.

Tinignan ko yung celfone ko walang miscol, walang text.
Received call- 10 March 2008, 03:53:05 am

yan na ang huling pag uusap namin mula ngayon.
kailangan kong maghintay ng isang buwan para lang magkaroon ako ng tawag mula sa kanya.

matagal tagal rin yun.
mukhang sa mga susunod na umaga, ganito pa rin ang mararamdaman ko.

ang hirap.