I know my feelings for you were, and still are, feelings of love unlike anything I have ever known. My fear is that I'll never again feel that racing heart, those butterflies in my stomach, and the fireworks that always erupted when i see you near.I've also had to accept the fact that all that I felt was one sided. I loved you and I have no regrets about that. You are a wonderful man. Loving you has made me a better person. I know I never actually had you, but the memories I have for you are treasures that I will NEVER let go. You really are the greatest bassist I never had. Sometimes, I'm happy because I wasn't able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but choose to ignore the thoughts. Little by little, I'm beginning to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. thank god, lately im pre-occupied by my new environment. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories i had in the philippines. even if I know that it would give a bad mood the next day.

this morning, im just thankful that inspite of the distance and the amount of the text... you gave a damned reply to me.

isang malaking smile ang gumising sa akin kanina.

SALAMAT.

parang ako ang may berday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAPPY.

yeah, i was moved by the article of Penny lane at 2BU. medyo nakarelate ako sa mga pinagagawa niya. biktima rin ata ako ng rakstar obsession. i emailed her and suprisingly, i received a reply right now. nakakatuwa lang na hindi pala ako nag iisa sa mundo sa mga kabaliwan ko. ang best part lang sa kanya eh, naging friends na sila ni RAKSTAR niya. overcomed na ang pagiging FANgirl niya. ako? ummm. on the process... in denial na wala talaga eh. nyehh. (this post is not about jappy) ibang istorya yun. hehehe

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled mind- THOMAS JEFFERSON

And im not happy.
My life is like one big giant on and off switch. One minute im on top of the world. Then suddenly as if someone pushed the OFF button and my so-CALLED LIFE grinds to complete halt.

Since the day ive arrived here. yes, I can laugh again in spite of the homesickness feeling im enduring but No matter how hard I try to be happy. I cant. Really. Every time I saw my dad happy with her someone. It will always remind me of what I had gone through last summer. While we were there… struggling and painstakingly making a life out of nothing. Ayan sila, nagpapakasaya. I cant hide my tears every time the thought passes my mind. Masakit. Kaya siguro. Pag naaalala ko si mader at kahla. Naiiyak pa rin ako. Its only 2weeks but its like forever. i would cry when i would open my eyes and i would cry before i would sleep. Parang ang dami ko ng hindi alam sa kanila. I had no one to share my sentiments with. Although nandito si ate blaunch, pero ayoko ng ikwento pa sa kanya lahat ng yun…

My mom called this morning, crying. Again. I cant really take my tongue out, but I want her to know that ive been praying so hard to St. Jude that I can prove to her my existence. my worth for the family.

I stopped dreaming for myself. TOTOO YAN.
Lahat na ng ito. Para nalang kay mama at kahla.

dati pag may napapanood ako sa TV na nagiiyakan sa airport pag may umalis o dumating. natatawa ako. pero iba pala talaga pag ako na yung nasa position. nakakaiyak pala talaga pag aalis ka na, at may nakikita kang maiiwan. lalo na yung mahal mo sa buhay.

nung dumatig naman ako dito sa dubai, medyo naiyak ako nung nakita ko si ate after 7 months at si daddy after 2 years. nabanggit ko nga di ba na my dad looks very old.

i dont have the pictures in NAIA pero eto yung pic ko nung dumating ako dito sa dubs.

actually ako lang ang nakatingin dyan. from the left: daddy ko, ako, ate blaunch and my super friend cleng.

been to everywhere this past few days.
basta pinoy dito, kahit kaibigan ng kaibigan magiging friends mo rin. kaya okey lang kung sasama ka sa party ng may party. laging extended ang gatherings. kaya napasama ako sa mga friends ni daddy na may mga friends na mga bagets dito. so may mga bago na akong friends. ayos! last wednesday night nagpunta kami dun sa CORNICHE' sa SHARJAH. sa parang baywalk sa pinas. maganda dun, tabing dagat. ang trick lang dun. di siya totoong dagat. artificial lang un. nakakaloka talaga. di akong makapaniwala. samantalang sa pinas. tinatambakan ang dagat. pero dito, gumawaga ng dagat. simpleng picnic lang at kwentuhan. palipas oras daw nila yun at madalas nilang ginagawa.

tapos kahapon. nagpunta kami sa HAMRIYAH FREE ZONE. sa isang company dun nagtatrabaho si father. ang layo. disyerto dun. ang init. napaisip tuloy ako na all this time dun lagi si daddy. pagpasok namin sa BELLELI ENERGY SPA pinuntahan namin agad si daddy. medyo busy sa field work, at kung makikita niyo lang yung tonetoneladang bakal dun, matatakot ka talaga sa risk na pwedeng mangyari sa mga workers dun. naawa nga ako sa daddy ko kasi dun niya pala kami binuhay. being a supervisor sa ganun company mahirap din. hawak niya yung iba ibang nationality. indian, syrian, moroccan, pakistani (patan), lebanese. mostly mid-eastern. tapos office-field work siya lagi. kaya ang itim itim na niya. *parang nauntog tuloy ang ulo ko*

stop asking me, kung meron akong naiwan sa pilipinas. it irritates me talaga. arghh.
ano sagot ko? "wala, pero may babalikan ako sa pinas"... hoping na i could meet him again, again again. *homesick mode*


A New Kind Of Love
by FROU FROU

A new kind of love,
Genetically altered,
Enough of love life,
And I can't believe it's not love,
I can't help myself,
And you don't have to say that,
"It sparks across flames,
You'll feel it kicking in soon."

I have fallen in love,
By the feeling you are,
I have fallen in love,
With a feeling.

So you're running late,
And it's not even like you,
You were doing so well,
Did the dog eat your homework again?
I can't help myself,
Cause my friend says in real life,
"It's only the police,
That ever come lookin' for you."

I have fallen in love,
By the feeling you are,
I have fallen in love,
With a feeling.

I have fallen in love,
Her only feeling you are,
Cause if you're falling in love,
Let me feel it.

I've been busy,
You'll know then,
You know you're just saying that,
Are you going to get that?
What's that supposed to mean?

I've been busy, you know that,
You know you're just saying that,
Are you going to get that?
What's that supposed to mean?

I have fallen in love,
By the feeling you are,
I have fallen in love,
With a feeling.

I have fallen in love,
Her only feeling you are,
Cause if you're falling in love,
Let me feel it.

You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.

You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.