3 days to NEW YEAR’S EVE. The rush, the panic, The List — the New Year’s Resolution List.

3 days to NEW YEAR’S EVE.
The rush, the panic, The List — the New Year’s Resolution List.
I gave up on The List a couple of years ago. I know what the self-help gurus say about writing it down to “cement” it and to have something tangible to hold yourself to, like a contract. But nine times out of ten, these resolutions never make it past paper.
The trouble with The List is it’s too much pressure. The state of mind is too hopeful and light at this time of year that people tend to write down unrealistic resolutions. Take some of the doomed resolutions from my own List in past years:
• Starting a healthy diet and/or exercise regimen – FAILED!
As a Filipino at the tailend of the holiday season, I’ve already set myself up for failure with this resolution. With all the leftovers and obligatory visits to relatives/friends, a diet isn’t likely to survive two minutes in the face of Pancit ( Chinese Noodles) and Leche Flan (Crème Caramel) in all its incarnations. And exercise after all that food in this sultry weather? It only happened in my dreams.
• Organize the house/room/office — FAILED!
If there is only flash of fireworks and smell of pulbura (gunpowder) conjures up visions of sugarplums dancing on my head and illusions that I could easily organize any room in my house/office in a day or two. And of course, when I start to get down to it, I never know where to start. After a few frustrating hours, I end up hiding documents and clutter at the back of the closet instead of organizing it — I’m back where I started.
• Change bad habits (including, but not limited to drinking, obsessive behavior) — FAILED!
Yes, I know the touchy-feely moments with family and friends tend to bring out the hopeless romantic in the most jaded people. Grand promises are made, and for a moment it’s easy to pretend it can really happen. When the luster of the New Year fades, so does this ubiquitous of all resolutions.
And my favorite resolution on The List:
• Become a better person — FAILED!
Usually this resolution is all about me trying to change my lifestyle to be more environmentally conscious or to control my temper better. This has always set me up for loads of guilt and disappointment every time I fall short of that picture of perfection I have in my head.
So I’ve mixed The List altogether and what do you know? I’ve finally taken up a sport I can be passionate about and I’m still actively doing it three years later. Although it’s still a struggle to lay off the junk food, I’ve been more vigilant about my diet without beating down on myself. And aside from the stable weight loss, I’m happier, too.
So what’s the secret? There is none! I just remembered a few simple facts of life that everyone eventually realizes after some trial and error:
• The list is not the be-all and end-all.
Making a list is not the point. The point is taking a step forward by putting down your plan of action where you can see it; a reference point. But a reference point is just that, a pointer to the goal. The goal is not to cross out the list. The goal is to accomplish the things on the list.
• Make it short.
It was easier for me when I limited the list to about 5 or less immediate goals for the year instead of a dozen. Just one major thing can be overwhelming, let alone a dozen or more. That item I listed before, “organize room,” took me months because, like the typical middle-class consumer, I have a closet crammed full of clothes, bags, shoes and knick knacks that have to be sorted out. I also have a bursting bookshelf and collection of toys and lunchboxes that are encroaching on every inch of floor space I have left in the partition room where I am staying.
Also, I kept the sentences short and to the point. No conditions, no ifs or buts. For example, I wrote, “Learn and play Badminton” not “I promise to go to the nearest Badminton court (Find me in Satwa!) and learn to play Badminton so I can lose weight, etc. etc.” This way, my mind stayed focused on what I needed to do, and I didn’t put unnecessary pressure on myself.
• Be very specific and task-oriented.
Like I said before, in my revised non-List list, I wrote down “Learn and play Badminton.” I didn’t put down, “Take up a sport that I will stick to” or “Lose weight by taking up a sport.” It pays to be specific. When I knew that I just had to do this one thing, I went ahead and did it, and the benefits I wanted immediately followed without the stress that usually accompany such resolutions.
I was also able to organize the mad chaos of my room by writing down, “arrange my bookshelf” and “give old and unused clothes to the orphanage,” instead of the general statement”organize room.” After putting order to my shelf and closet, it was a matter of just moving from one area to the next.
• Set a realistic timetable.
While it was specific and easy to understand that I needed to organize my bookshelf, it could still have ended up on my FAILED list if I didn’t set a timeframe for myself. I knew that my calendar after the New Year celebrations would be full of meetings and trips to Creek Transit. So I set aside two hours every Saturday to organize my bookshelf.
It wasn’t done overnight, but I didn’t feel frustrated because I was doing something concrete to finish this specific task. The most important thing was, by the first month of the New Year, I had accomplished at least one resolution. It seems like such a small thing, but the feeling I got for (finally) finishing something on that list got me on a roll.
• Make it a guilt-free list.
Lastly, as much as I love promises and resolutions and challenges, the point of having a list like this is to have a happier, fuller life. Becoming obsessed about it defeats the purpose.
Before when my sister saw me agonizing about an item in my list, she scoffed, “It’s just a list, you know.” And after the initial outrage I felt toward her (how dare she belittle my efforts!), I realized she was right. It is just a list, and if I don’t accomplish everything on it before the year is up, the world isn’t going to end. I can always start over. And here I am, starting it over.
Happy New Year’s Eve, folks. Eat too much and steer clear of the pulbura.

Orbit Day

it was my 26th Birthday recently.
text floods & teases of a year older gaps.
sigh.
but this year's one of my best years.
i was able to commit myself for a good cause with my family's blessing.
i was able to know more & understand & accept my sibling's internal struggles.
i was able to be a strong pillar for my family amidst our past trials during my father’s childish acts & so with my sister's malady.
i was able to renew my vows with the poor, oppressed & the needy towards a long journey for a better tommorow.
i was able to survive a year without a broken heart.
i was able to clear my thoughts on bizaare angles.
i was able to sing blind melon's no rain & cranberries' i'm free to decide with more gusto.
i was able to witness countless sunrises & sunsets to behold.
i was able to meet some kindred souls who never fails to remember.
i was able to share my gift to a lot of spirited comrades & friends.
i was able to be cheerful inspite of having a hopefully benign cystlike lump on my uterus.
i was able to serenade the world with my laughters
i was able to teach my shadow to act & dance accordingly even without music.
& still there's more to thank for a year bestowed to me by the heavens.
thus this calls for new vows & hopeful hearts to beat with the melodic tune of struggle.
i am still hopeful for i am continually blessed.
and i deserve that.

salamat to my birthday well-wishers & for the giant softy pillow.
you're all thankfully cherished.

pwede ba?

nafeel niyo na ba yung isang araw na pag labas mo ng bahay parang may naiwan ka at gusto mong balikan, pero pag bumalik ka naman hindi mo alam yung naiwan mo. tapos lalabas ka ulit na parang ang bigat bigat na ng loob mo na parang ayaw mo ng lumabas at gusto mo nalang mag stay para mahanap yung naiwan mo na something sa comfort zone mo.

tapos at the end of the day, marerealize mo na yung sarili mo pala yung naiwan mo. yung OLD self mong tinatawag. yung bang gigising ka ulit kinabukasan na may kulang sa yo or may nag iba na sayo.

tapos dagdagan pa ng nasasaloob mo na wala kang mapagsabihan ng mga hinaing na ito kasi wala kang maisip na tao na makakaintindi sayo. ang alam mo sa sarili mo wala kang kaibigan na mahihingahan. wala ka kasing mahanap na kaibigan sa napaglagyan mong lugar. may mga nakakasama ka pero wala dun yung strongest link niyo sa isat isa.

nakakamiss yung mga araw na kahit anong oras may itetext ka or tatawagan kahit mundane yung problema mo. may alam kang kaibigan na masasabihan mo na mga kakornihan mo.

ang hirap ng ganito.

i need to vent. kailangan ko naman huminga. hindi enough yung isang taong hinihingahan ko. ibang usapan yun eh. wahhh

sabi ko nga sa friend kong nasa pinas thru email. wala akong mapagkatiwalaan dito. ewan ko nga ba. pwede paki sagot?

pwede ba akong magteleport muna papuntang pinas? pwede ba?

realization

Madalas pag sinasabi kong hindi ko nakaya, bigla nalang may darating na pangyayari at masasabi ko nalang sa sarili kong, "OK naman pala eh... kaya pa."

eto yung mga halimbawa:
1. kanina nagtext na yung boss ko, sabi niya she'll meet my mom daw tomorrow morning. Wala sa hinagap kong mangyayari ito ulit. yung unang beses na pumunta si amo sa pinas at nagkita sila last yr. malaking bagay na yun sakin na makita niya yung mga pinakamamahal ko sa buhay ko. yung mga inspirasyon ko. tapos ngayon ulit. imimeet niya lit family ko. napapa wow nalang talaga ako. hindi ko akalain na magiging ganyan kabait si amo. kung alam lang ng marami kung gano ang pinag-daanan ko dyan nung nasa lumang office pa kami. pareho kaming bago nun... hay that's another story.

2. sabi nung isang kasama ko sa trabaho nung isang araw. "lots of staffs are coming to meet you, to call you, to ask you... its because they acknowledge you in your position. it means you are effective". isa pang wow. its a good thing to hear it from my one of my good colleague. Bias ba. pero siguro nga kaya siguro ako nakakatanggap ng mga tawag sa madaling araw para sa emergency leave nila, sa passport release nila, sa mga bagong candidates na ilang oras na naghihintay sa airport, sa mga leave na hindi naapprove, sa nawawalang susi, sa nabasang passport, sa chismis ng kapwa nila diser, sa panliligaw ng wala sa lugar, kung magkano ba deduction nila this month, kung may bf na ba ako, kung may increment ba this year, kung may bonus ba. pero minsan kahit nakakapagod sumagot ng napakadaming tanong araw araw. kahit pa minsan feeling ko customer service assistant na ako sa sobrang dmaing tawag ko sa isang araw. masaya pa rin na minsan na naiinis ka na. after all these years, i've learned to love it.

3. kahapon, while checking all those birthdya celebrants for this month. i've learned from one of my collegues. that though that have their bdays on their passports, hindi totoo lahat ng iyun. hindi lahat nag cecelebrate ng birthdays nila. since marami sa kanila, hindi naman alam ang tunay na araw ng kapanganakan nila. marami sa kanila sa obserbasyon ko nag birthday ng 1st january. yun pala eh passport birthdya lang yun. sinc eyun ang unang araw ng taon yun nalang ang lalagay nila dahil wala silang ibang mailagay. maaring iba sa kanila hindi marunong mag basa or magsulat ang mga magulang kaya yun nalang ang naparehistro. salamat pa rin kasi alm ko pa rin ang bday ko. alam kong magcecelebrate pa rin ako. at alam kong pinanganak ako sa araw na iyon.

4. ano man ang complain ko sa trabaho ko minsan. blessed pa rin ako dahil sa daming company na tagilid dito sa bansang ito dahil sa recession. nananatiling matatag ang grupong ito at marami silang natutulungang katulad ko.

salamat lord!

ramblings

why does going to work feel heavier each morning?

…

last night, when i was about to pay for my baskin trea for myself, i saw that i didn’t have money in my wallet. i can’t believe i went outside alone and tried to buy something without money in my wallet. good thing an atm was just a few steps away.

…

i heard that real emotional pain lasts a maximum of 12 minutes; anything more than 12 minutes is self-inflicted. if that’s the case, then i’ve been hurting myself over and over again these past few days and i refuse to accept that that is true. maybe i’m just experiencing the same emotion over and over again?

but maybe it is true. ergo, i should stop wallowing. but i can’t!!! it’s just so sad here.

…

oh, and chatted with my felicity again, enjoyed it very much hope we’ll not tire of talking to each other everyday and not to mention its our 26th month today. now, I’m feeling happy. Very happy with him.

Take me away to a perpetually beautiful day

Today its raining. And in all probability should make me feel like I usually do…my moods come with the weather. When it is sunny, so am I. I am happy and warm and kind. When its cold and rainy, I feel just the same. Unhappy, miserable, lonely. But today, for once…the weather hasnt affected my mood. I feel happy. I dont even think I am sure as to why I feel this way, I just know that I do and I’ll take that. I need to feel happy and carefree. Its nice to let go of worries, even for 30 days. I like sitting here and watching the rain fall down, smelling the wet pavement, and feeling the brisk breeze. I like the tiny sound of the raindrops falling on the roof. I just like the atmosphere. Its calm and tranquil and peaceful.

I feel content. I feel calm. I feel HOME. I wish I’ll be staying here till rainy season, to have this feeling more often. I need sunshine to survive, most of the time. This rain and sporadically strange weather rarely makes me feel like this; its the sunshine. The beauty of blue skies and a warm breeze…its calms me and makes me feel free. God, do I need that.