Thursday, November 28, 2013

back at one

First Day at the gym: For the longest time, nakilala ko ulit si "inferior-self". Bagong mga mukha, bagong experience. na-feel ko ulit na mahina ako pag kaharap ko ang maraming taong mga hindi ko kilala. Dahil sa pitong taon kong nakahon sa kumpanya ko ngayon, akala ko yun na ang comfort zone ko. Mali ako, may buhay pa pala after 4:30 pm. May mga tao sa labas na nagbuo ng bagong mundo para makawala sa pressure ng opisina, ng mga katrabahong mga chismoso/mosa. sa mga papel na nakaharap sayo. sa mga tawag sa telepono. sa mga tanong ng mga empleyadong paulit ulit at minsan walang kwenta. sa mga katrabahong walang sense kausap. sa mga katrabahong puro pagbubuntis ang pinag uusapan. hindi ko alam kung paano makawala sa comfort zone ko. ngayon sa unang pagkakataon, ang attempt ko na lumabas sa MUNDONG iyon, hindi ko alam kung pano na pakibagayan yung iba. ramdam kong ako ang mahina sa kausap ko. i am really struggling and it is getting worse.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

When I look at me,
deep into my eyes
a gaze of wonder,
Who is this?
Too young to know,
who just learning every day
to laugh as well as cry
her needs seem simple,
but are complex
than i can comprehend.
When I gaze back at her
I see a light not seen before
a beacon of radiant love
a flame of joy illuminating me
a stranger,
she came into my life
and changed it in ways she cannot know
Perhaps,in time
we will truly exchange the glance,
for who is this?
but so much I know already
this girl has strengthen my spirit
and given me hope to drive out the darkness
that once engulf my soul

Monday, February 14, 2011


To the singles and those who wish they were single... All my life, you had specific dreams about what my family life would be like when I finally get married. I was so intent on what I wanted, I even made a list of qualities and characteristics I was looking for in a guy, in a home, in my job, in my children to be. But time passed, and that person I was so intent to didn't come along. Most of my friends got married, had children, had beautiful homes. And still Im single. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that person to come along, but nothing happened. I had a good job. I served in my church. I dedicated my life to serve God in every way possible, but still nothing. So you decided to take matters into your own hands, and you began an active search for a mate. And within a short period, you met someone who almost fit the bill. Almost. Sure, there were a few things Missing, a few rusty spots in that person's character. But, after all, no one is perfect. Maybe your goals were too high. Maybe you'd been asking for the impossible. Maybe this was the person God wanted for you so your character could grow through dealing with his or her failings. Even though it often seems that God is slow to answer prayers, no matter whether it's about a mate, or a job, or our children, or our finances, or anything else, we have to remember that God doesn't wear a watch. Nor does he look at our human calendars. He sees with eternal eyes. He operates on an eternal timetable, according to His plan and His schedule. If God seems to be running late, don't get impatient and run ahead of him. Wait for the Lord's timing in everything. Being alone or simply being single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be. Single gives you space to grow. Sometimes, it is harder to grow when you are too close to someone. Trees are planted far apart so they can spread their branches and become strong as they mature. Single means learning to live by yourself. However, that is no more difficult than learning to live with somebody else. Single means freedom. You are free to spend a week's vacation on the beach, to take computer courses, to work late on an interesting project, to spend the day in bed with a good book or simply with a person who has read one. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful but learning to live with a man/woman because you want to be with him/her. Single means that sometimes you will wonder why you will bite your lip and feel wistful and wonder if marriage is better. Ironically, yet quite happily, single is feeling good about being in control of your life. It is liking and respecting who you are and why you are. Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better, it is merely different. Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it. Being single means you are free to love again. "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" - (Eccl 3:1 KJV) There are choices that you have to make in everything you do. You must always bear in mind that the choices you make, make you."

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I have a co-worker who seems to act friendly face to face,

but I have observed her to be a gossipmonger and to talk badly about people behind their backs while seeming to be friendly on the surface.

She is also constantly complaining about her job, her boss and the organization in general.

Lately there has been some tension between us because of my annoyance with her.

My distrust of her is bubbling to the surface and I am getting more and more overt, finding less, and less patience in listening to her and her complaints and talking about people.

Now I feel she may be trying to get other people to talk about me behind my back, ruin my good reputation, and make me the butt of jokes among my co-workers.

How do you deal with a girl like this?

Ignoring her and trying to be civil is not working in terms of making me feel better

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

3 days to NEW YEAR’S EVE. The rush, the panic, The List — the New Year’s Resolution List.

3 days to NEW YEAR’S EVE.
The rush, the panic, The List — the New Year’s Resolution List.
I gave up on The List a couple of years ago. I know what the self-help gurus say about writing it down to “cement” it and to have something tangible to hold yourself to, like a contract. But nine times out of ten, these resolutions never make it past paper.
The trouble with The List is it’s too much pressure. The state of mind is too hopeful and light at this time of year that people tend to write down unrealistic resolutions. Take some of the doomed resolutions from my own List in past years:
• Starting a healthy diet and/or exercise regimen – FAILED!
As a Filipino at the tailend of the holiday season, I’ve already set myself up for failure with this resolution. With all the leftovers and obligatory visits to relatives/friends, a diet isn’t likely to survive two minutes in the face of Pancit ( Chinese Noodles) and Leche Flan (Crème Caramel) in all its incarnations. And exercise after all that food in this sultry weather? It only happened in my dreams.
• Organize the house/room/office — FAILED!
If there is only flash of fireworks and smell of pulbura (gunpowder) conjures up visions of sugarplums dancing on my head and illusions that I could easily organize any room in my house/office in a day or two. And of course, when I start to get down to it, I never know where to start. After a few frustrating hours, I end up hiding documents and clutter at the back of the closet instead of organizing it — I’m back where I started.
• Change bad habits (including, but not limited to drinking, obsessive behavior) — FAILED!
Yes, I know the touchy-feely moments with family and friends tend to bring out the hopeless romantic in the most jaded people. Grand promises are made, and for a moment it’s easy to pretend it can really happen. When the luster of the New Year fades, so does this ubiquitous of all resolutions.
And my favorite resolution on The List:
• Become a better person — FAILED!
Usually this resolution is all about me trying to change my lifestyle to be more environmentally conscious or to control my temper better. This has always set me up for loads of guilt and disappointment every time I fall short of that picture of perfection I have in my head.
So I’ve mixed The List altogether and what do you know? I’ve finally taken up a sport I can be passionate about and I’m still actively doing it three years later. Although it’s still a struggle to lay off the junk food, I’ve been more vigilant about my diet without beating down on myself. And aside from the stable weight loss, I’m happier, too.
So what’s the secret? There is none! I just remembered a few simple facts of life that everyone eventually realizes after some trial and error:
• The list is not the be-all and end-all.
Making a list is not the point. The point is taking a step forward by putting down your plan of action where you can see it; a reference point. But a reference point is just that, a pointer to the goal. The goal is not to cross out the list. The goal is to accomplish the things on the list.
• Make it short.
It was easier for me when I limited the list to about 5 or less immediate goals for the year instead of a dozen. Just one major thing can be overwhelming, let alone a dozen or more. That item I listed before, “organize room,” took me months because, like the typical middle-class consumer, I have a closet crammed full of clothes, bags, shoes and knick knacks that have to be sorted out. I also have a bursting bookshelf and collection of toys and lunchboxes that are encroaching on every inch of floor space I have left in the partition room where I am staying.
Also, I kept the sentences short and to the point. No conditions, no ifs or buts. For example, I wrote, “Learn and play Badminton” not “I promise to go to the nearest Badminton court (Find me in Satwa!) and learn to play Badminton so I can lose weight, etc. etc.” This way, my mind stayed focused on what I needed to do, and I didn’t put unnecessary pressure on myself.
• Be very specific and task-oriented.
Like I said before, in my revised non-List list, I wrote down “Learn and play Badminton.” I didn’t put down, “Take up a sport that I will stick to” or “Lose weight by taking up a sport.” It pays to be specific. When I knew that I just had to do this one thing, I went ahead and did it, and the benefits I wanted immediately followed without the stress that usually accompany such resolutions.
I was also able to organize the mad chaos of my room by writing down, “arrange my bookshelf” and “give old and unused clothes to the orphanage,” instead of the general statement”organize room.” After putting order to my shelf and closet, it was a matter of just moving from one area to the next.
• Set a realistic timetable.
While it was specific and easy to understand that I needed to organize my bookshelf, it could still have ended up on my FAILED list if I didn’t set a timeframe for myself. I knew that my calendar after the New Year celebrations would be full of meetings and trips to Creek Transit. So I set aside two hours every Saturday to organize my bookshelf.
It wasn’t done overnight, but I didn’t feel frustrated because I was doing something concrete to finish this specific task. The most important thing was, by the first month of the New Year, I had accomplished at least one resolution. It seems like such a small thing, but the feeling I got for (finally) finishing something on that list got me on a roll.
• Make it a guilt-free list.
Lastly, as much as I love promises and resolutions and challenges, the point of having a list like this is to have a happier, fuller life. Becoming obsessed about it defeats the purpose.
Before when my sister saw me agonizing about an item in my list, she scoffed, “It’s just a list, you know.” And after the initial outrage I felt toward her (how dare she belittle my efforts!), I realized she was right. It is just a list, and if I don’t accomplish everything on it before the year is up, the world isn’t going to end. I can always start over. And here I am, starting it over.
Happy New Year’s Eve, folks. Eat too much and steer clear of the pulbura.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Orbit Day

it was my 26th Birthday recently.
text floods & teases of a year older gaps.
but this year's one of my best years.
i was able to commit myself for a good cause with my family's blessing.
i was able to know more & understand & accept my sibling's internal struggles.
i was able to be a strong pillar for my family amidst our past trials during my father’s childish acts & so with my sister's malady.
i was able to renew my vows with the poor, oppressed & the needy towards a long journey for a better tommorow.
i was able to survive a year without a broken heart.
i was able to clear my thoughts on bizaare angles.
i was able to sing blind melon's no rain & cranberries' i'm free to decide with more gusto.
i was able to witness countless sunrises & sunsets to behold.
i was able to meet some kindred souls who never fails to remember.
i was able to share my gift to a lot of spirited comrades & friends.
i was able to be cheerful inspite of having a hopefully benign cystlike lump on my uterus.
i was able to serenade the world with my laughters
i was able to teach my shadow to act & dance accordingly even without music.
& still there's more to thank for a year bestowed to me by the heavens.
thus this calls for new vows & hopeful hearts to beat with the melodic tune of struggle.
i am still hopeful for i am continually blessed.
and i deserve that.

salamat to my birthday well-wishers & for the giant softy pillow.
you're all thankfully cherished.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

pwede ba?

nafeel niyo na ba yung isang araw na pag labas mo ng bahay parang may naiwan ka at gusto mong balikan, pero pag bumalik ka naman hindi mo alam yung naiwan mo. tapos lalabas ka ulit na parang ang bigat bigat na ng loob mo na parang ayaw mo ng lumabas at gusto mo nalang mag stay para mahanap yung naiwan mo na something sa comfort zone mo.

tapos at the end of the day, marerealize mo na yung sarili mo pala yung naiwan mo. yung OLD self mong tinatawag. yung bang gigising ka ulit kinabukasan na may kulang sa yo or may nag iba na sayo.

tapos dagdagan pa ng nasasaloob mo na wala kang mapagsabihan ng mga hinaing na ito kasi wala kang maisip na tao na makakaintindi sayo. ang alam mo sa sarili mo wala kang kaibigan na mahihingahan. wala ka kasing mahanap na kaibigan sa napaglagyan mong lugar. may mga nakakasama ka pero wala dun yung strongest link niyo sa isat isa.

nakakamiss yung mga araw na kahit anong oras may itetext ka or tatawagan kahit mundane yung problema mo. may alam kang kaibigan na masasabihan mo na mga kakornihan mo.

ang hirap ng ganito.

i need to vent. kailangan ko naman huminga. hindi enough yung isang taong hinihingahan ko. ibang usapan yun eh. wahhh

sabi ko nga sa friend kong nasa pinas thru email. wala akong mapagkatiwalaan dito. ewan ko nga ba. pwede paki sagot?

pwede ba akong magteleport muna papuntang pinas? pwede ba?

Monday, July 20, 2009


Madalas pag sinasabi kong hindi ko nakaya, bigla nalang may darating na pangyayari at masasabi ko nalang sa sarili kong, "OK naman pala eh... kaya pa."

eto yung mga halimbawa:
1. kanina nagtext na yung boss ko, sabi niya she'll meet my mom daw tomorrow morning. Wala sa hinagap kong mangyayari ito ulit. yung unang beses na pumunta si amo sa pinas at nagkita sila last yr. malaking bagay na yun sakin na makita niya yung mga pinakamamahal ko sa buhay ko. yung mga inspirasyon ko. tapos ngayon ulit. imimeet niya lit family ko. napapa wow nalang talaga ako. hindi ko akalain na magiging ganyan kabait si amo. kung alam lang ng marami kung gano ang pinag-daanan ko dyan nung nasa lumang office pa kami. pareho kaming bago nun... hay that's another story.

2. sabi nung isang kasama ko sa trabaho nung isang araw. "lots of staffs are coming to meet you, to call you, to ask you... its because they acknowledge you in your position. it means you are effective". isa pang wow. its a good thing to hear it from my one of my good colleague. Bias ba. pero siguro nga kaya siguro ako nakakatanggap ng mga tawag sa madaling araw para sa emergency leave nila, sa passport release nila, sa mga bagong candidates na ilang oras na naghihintay sa airport, sa mga leave na hindi naapprove, sa nawawalang susi, sa nabasang passport, sa chismis ng kapwa nila diser, sa panliligaw ng wala sa lugar, kung magkano ba deduction nila this month, kung may bf na ba ako, kung may increment ba this year, kung may bonus ba. pero minsan kahit nakakapagod sumagot ng napakadaming tanong araw araw. kahit pa minsan feeling ko customer service assistant na ako sa sobrang dmaing tawag ko sa isang araw. masaya pa rin na minsan na naiinis ka na. after all these years, i've learned to love it.

3. kahapon, while checking all those birthdya celebrants for this month. i've learned from one of my collegues. that though that have their bdays on their passports, hindi totoo lahat ng iyun. hindi lahat nag cecelebrate ng birthdays nila. since marami sa kanila, hindi naman alam ang tunay na araw ng kapanganakan nila. marami sa kanila sa obserbasyon ko nag birthday ng 1st january. yun pala eh passport birthdya lang yun. sinc eyun ang unang araw ng taon yun nalang ang lalagay nila dahil wala silang ibang mailagay. maaring iba sa kanila hindi marunong mag basa or magsulat ang mga magulang kaya yun nalang ang naparehistro. salamat pa rin kasi alm ko pa rin ang bday ko. alam kong magcecelebrate pa rin ako. at alam kong pinanganak ako sa araw na iyon.

4. ano man ang complain ko sa trabaho ko minsan. blessed pa rin ako dahil sa daming company na tagilid dito sa bansang ito dahil sa recession. nananatiling matatag ang grupong ito at marami silang natutulungang katulad ko.

salamat lord!

Monday, May 04, 2009


why does going to work feel heavier each morning?

last night, when i was about to pay for my baskin trea for myself, i saw that i didn’t have money in my wallet. i can’t believe i went outside alone and tried to buy something without money in my wallet. good thing an atm was just a few steps away.

i heard that real emotional pain lasts a maximum of 12 minutes; anything more than 12 minutes is self-inflicted. if that’s the case, then i’ve been hurting myself over and over again these past few days and i refuse to accept that that is true. maybe i’m just experiencing the same emotion over and over again?

but maybe it is true. ergo, i should stop wallowing. but i can’t!!! it’s just so sad here.

oh, and chatted with my felicity again, enjoyed it very much hope we’ll not tire of talking to each other everyday and not to mention its our 26th month today. now, I’m feeling happy. Very happy with him.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Take me away to a perpetually beautiful day

Today its raining. And in all probability should make me feel like I usually do…my moods come with the weather. When it is sunny, so am I. I am happy and warm and kind. When its cold and rainy, I feel just the same. Unhappy, miserable, lonely. But today, for once…the weather hasnt affected my mood. I feel happy. I dont even think I am sure as to why I feel this way, I just know that I do and I’ll take that. I need to feel happy and carefree. Its nice to let go of worries, even for 30 days. I like sitting here and watching the rain fall down, smelling the wet pavement, and feeling the brisk breeze. I like the tiny sound of the raindrops falling on the roof. I just like the atmosphere. Its calm and tranquil and peaceful.

I feel content. I feel calm. I feel HOME. I wish I’ll be staying here till rainy season, to have this feeling more often. I need sunshine to survive, most of the time. This rain and sporadically strange weather rarely makes me feel like this; its the sunshine. The beauty of blue skies and a warm breeze…its calms me and makes me feel free. God, do I need that.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

To Love

To love another person means to feel compassionate towards them,
to "feel" what they feel.
Caring about someone, and what happens to them is also a sign of love.
Sharing a relationship with someone means that you have to be responsible and have to be aware that there will be times when things go wrong.
Loving someone means taking these "wrong" things and trying to fix them.
What are some signs of love? Making sacrifices is one sign of devotion to another person.
When you care about someone, you have to give a little.
It all comes with life. In order to receive something, one must sacrifice other things.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Sarcasm at its finest

Dear Baskins,

Thank you so much for this afternoon delight treat.

I really had a wonderful 10- minutes with you.

It was such as heavy mood this morning but you are there to make me feel better. Thanks for the one-stop-buy crib you have in Al-AIn Center. Easy for me to reach you when I'm in trouble. I know I will taste you again in the next couple of days. Being wrapped in hot crepe of Nuclear bomb is not that easy. I need to cool down. as in COOL.. much COOLLLEERR. or else i will explode.

A nice cold red horse beer and a sit in the corner sounds quite tempting. anyone who can take a treat?

UP next...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Excruciating jump of emotion

I'm really really pissed off!
naaaasarrr ako sobra na
tama nang pahirap.

How could they say that they are undisputably tired of their work?
where in they're doing nothing?

All they're painstakingly doing is to wait for the salary time to come and have some cheers of good mood then back to world-remorsing emotion after weeks before salary?

All they wanted is that PEOPLE should ADJUST on their moodswing/ temperament/ nature/ disposition or whatever-you-want-to-call-it-nakakainis-na.

Eto pa, if they are happy they can do whatever job you want them to do, but see, once they woke up in the wrong side of the bed, you should hide on your mother's pajamas because they will be so furious as tornado if you will give them some WORK as IN JOB to do.

Why is it called work if it they will not do it.
Where is the heart?
I dont know.

In HR you have to have not only your abilities but you have to have your heart doing your job.

If you feel that you dont have THE HEART to do it anymore?
why stay? SO that people will not give you wrong impressions, people will not throw their middle fingers on you because everyone is getting affected in your DETRIMENTAL attitude. It sucks big time you know that?

I know I'm might be saying this because I'm not on their shoes doing that kind of job for about 12 or 13 yrs. But we need them to cooperate. Everyone else is doing their job, everyone is trying to adjust on them. SO please be appreciative atleast.

We are trying to think of solution that might help solve the problem. and again this is another kind of adjustment for them?

hay naku ang sakit na ng ulo ko sa pagpapasensya...

Friday, May 09, 2008

Who says that Filipinos have very bad English?

hindi kaya! mas angat talaga tayo sa iba...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


You know those times when you're just lying on your bed with the lights out and everything's quiet? When you can't seem to fall asleep just yet and you end up thinking about things, random things? Well it's not random for me. Every time I find my mind wandering, by some odd way, it always comes back to you. Don't ask me why or how, I wouldn't know too. It just does. I think about all sorts of things about you, too many to list down, too many to remember. But trust in me, I do.

Do want to know something? Sometimes, I play out these situations in my head like those portrayed in those cheesy noontime soaps. You know, drama. Thinking that maybe (hopefully not) it would come true in the future. And I'd imagine the pain of it all and I'd end up crying against my pillow. It's pathetic really, crying over something that's just make-believe. But I can't help it...I can't bear the thought of losing you, even if it's all in my head.

Nighttime is getting harder and harder to face...