it was my 26th Birthday recently.
text floods & teases of a year older gaps.
sigh.
but this year's one of my best years.
i was able to commit myself for a good cause with my family's blessing.
i was able to know more & understand & accept my sibling's internal struggles.
i was able to be a strong pillar for my family amidst our past trials during my father’s childish acts & so with my sister's malady.
i was able to renew my vows with the poor, oppressed & the needy towards a long journey for a better tommorow.
i was able to survive a year without a broken heart.
i was able to clear my thoughts on bizaare angles.
i was able to sing blind melon's no rain & cranberries' i'm free to decide with more gusto.
i was able to witness countless sunrises & sunsets to behold.
i was able to meet some kindred souls who never fails to remember.
i was able to share my gift to a lot of spirited comrades & friends.
i was able to be cheerful inspite of having a hopefully benign cystlike lump on my uterus.
i was able to serenade the world with my laughters
i was able to teach my shadow to act & dance accordingly even without music.
& still there's more to thank for a year bestowed to me by the heavens.
thus this calls for new vows & hopeful hearts to beat with the melodic tune of struggle.
i am still hopeful for i am continually blessed.
and i deserve that.
salamat to my birthday well-wishers & for the giant softy pillow.
you're all thankfully cherished.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
nafeel niyo na ba yung isang araw na pag labas mo ng bahay parang may naiwan ka at gusto mong balikan, pero pag bumalik ka naman hindi mo alam yung naiwan mo. tapos lalabas ka ulit na parang ang bigat bigat na ng loob mo na parang ayaw mo ng lumabas at gusto mo nalang mag stay para mahanap yung naiwan mo na something sa comfort zone mo.
tapos at the end of the day, marerealize mo na yung sarili mo pala yung naiwan mo. yung OLD self mong tinatawag. yung bang gigising ka ulit kinabukasan na may kulang sa yo or may nag iba na sayo.
tapos dagdagan pa ng nasasaloob mo na wala kang mapagsabihan ng mga hinaing na ito kasi wala kang maisip na tao na makakaintindi sayo. ang alam mo sa sarili mo wala kang kaibigan na mahihingahan. wala ka kasing mahanap na kaibigan sa napaglagyan mong lugar. may mga nakakasama ka pero wala dun yung strongest link niyo sa isat isa.
nakakamiss yung mga araw na kahit anong oras may itetext ka or tatawagan kahit mundane yung problema mo. may alam kang kaibigan na masasabihan mo na mga kakornihan mo.
ang hirap ng ganito.
i need to vent. kailangan ko naman huminga. hindi enough yung isang taong hinihingahan ko. ibang usapan yun eh. wahhh
sabi ko nga sa friend kong nasa pinas thru email. wala akong mapagkatiwalaan dito. ewan ko nga ba. pwede paki sagot?
pwede ba akong magteleport muna papuntang pinas? pwede ba?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Madalas pag sinasabi kong hindi ko nakaya, bigla nalang may darating na pangyayari at masasabi ko nalang sa sarili kong, "OK naman pala eh... kaya pa."
eto yung mga halimbawa:
1. kanina nagtext na yung boss ko si Binu, sabi niya she'll meet my mom daw tomorrow morning. Wala sa hinagap kong mangyayari ito ulit. yung unang beses na pumunta si amo sa pinas at nagkita sila last yr. malaking bagay na yun sakin na makita niya yung mga pinakamamahal ko sa buhay ko. yung mga inspirasyon ko. tapos ngayon ulit. imimeet niya lit family ko. napapa wow nalang talaga ako. hindi ko akalain na magiging ganyan kabait si amo. kung alam lang ng marami kung gano ang pinag-daanan ko dyan nung nasa lumang office pa kami. pareho kaming bago nun... hay that's another story.
2. sabi nung isang kasama ko sa trabaho nung isang araw. "lots of staffs are coming to meet you, to call you, to ask you... its because they acknowledge you in your position. it means you are effective". isa pang wow. its a good thing to hear it from my one of my good colleague. Bias ba. pero siguro nga kaya siguro ako nakakatanggap ng mga tawag sa madaling araw para sa emergency leave nila, sa passport release nila, sa mga bagong candidates na ilang oras na naghihintay sa airport, sa mga leave na hindi naapprove, sa nawawalang susi, sa nabasang passport, sa chismis ng kapwa nila diser, sa panliligaw ng wala sa lugar, kung magkano ba deduction nila this month, kung may bf na ba ako, kung may increment ba this year, kung may bonus ba. pero minsan kahit nakakapagod sumagot ng napakadaming tanong araw araw. kahit pa minsan feeling ko customer service assistant na ako sa sobrang dmaing tawag ko sa isang araw. masaya pa rin na minsan na naiinis ka na. after all these years, i've learned to love it.
3. kahapon, while checking all those birthdya celebrants for this month. i've learned from one of my collegues. that though that have their bdays on their passports, hindi totoo lahat ng iyun. hindi lahat nag cecelebrate ng birthdays nila. since marami sa kanila, hindi naman alam ang tunay na araw ng kapanganakan nila. marami sa kanila sa obserbasyon ko nag birthday ng 1st january. yun pala eh passport birthdya lang yun. sinc eyun ang unang araw ng taon yun nalang ang lalagay nila dahil wala silang ibang mailagay. maaring iba sa kanila hindi marunong mag basa or magsulat ang mga magulang kaya yun nalang ang naparehistro. salamat pa rin kasi alm ko pa rin ang bday ko. alam kong magcecelebrate pa rin ako. at alam kong pinanganak ako sa araw na iyon.
4. ano man ang complain ko sa trabaho ko minsan. blessed pa rin ako dahil sa daming company na tagilid dito sa bansang ito dahil sa recession. nananatiling matatag ang grupong ito at marami silang natutulungang katulad ko.
salamat lord!
Monday, May 04, 2009
why does going to work feel heavier each morning?
…
last night, when i was about to pay for my baskin trea for myself, i saw that i didn’t have money in my wallet. i can’t believe i went outside alone and tried to buy something without money in my wallet. good thing an atm was just a few steps away.
…
i heard that real emotional pain lasts a maximum of 12 minutes; anything more than 12 minutes is self-inflicted. if that’s the case, then i’ve been hurting myself over and over again these past few days and i refuse to accept that that is true. maybe i’m just experiencing the same emotion over and over again?
but maybe it is true. ergo, i should stop wallowing. but i can’t!!! it’s just so sad here.
…
oh, and chatted with my felicity again, enjoyed it very much hope we’ll not tire of talking to each other everyday and not to mention its our 26th month today. now, I’m feeling happy. Very happy with him.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Today its raining. And in all probability should make me feel like I usually do…my moods come with the weather. When it is sunny, so am I. I am happy and warm and kind. When its cold and rainy, I feel just the same. Unhappy, miserable, lonely. But today, for once…the weather hasnt affected my mood. I feel happy. I dont even think I am sure as to why I feel this way, I just know that I do and I’ll take that. I need to feel happy and carefree. Its nice to let go of worries, even for 30 days. I like sitting here and watching the rain fall down, smelling the wet pavement, and feeling the brisk breeze. I like the tiny sound of the raindrops falling on the roof. I just like the atmosphere. Its calm and tranquil and peaceful.
I feel content. I feel calm. I feel HOME. I wish I’ll be staying here till rainy season, to have this feeling more often. I need sunshine to survive, most of the time. This rain and sporadically strange weather rarely makes me feel like this; its the sunshine. The beauty of blue skies and a warm breeze…its calms me and makes me feel free. God, do I need that.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
To love another person means to feel compassionate towards them,
to "feel" what they feel.
Caring about someone, and what happens to them is also a sign of love.
Sharing a relationship with someone means that you have to be responsible and have to be aware that there will be times when things go wrong.
Loving someone means taking these "wrong" things and trying to fix them.
What are some signs of love? Making sacrifices is one sign of devotion to another person.
When you care about someone, you have to give a little.
It all comes with life. In order to receive something, one must sacrifice other things.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Dear Baskins,
Thank you so much for this afternoon delight treat.
I really had a wonderful 10- minutes with you.
It was such as heavy mood this morning but you are there to make me feel better. Thanks for the one-stop-buy crib you have in Al-AIn Center. Easy for me to reach you when I'm in trouble. I know I will taste you again in the next couple of days. Being wrapped in hot crepe of Nuclear bomb is not that easy. I need to cool down. as in COOL.. much COOLLLEERR. or else i will explode.
A nice cold red horse beer and a sit in the corner sounds quite tempting. anyone who can take a treat?
UP next...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I'm really really pissed off!naaaasarrr ako sobra na
tama nang pahirap.
How could they say that they are undisputably tired of their work?
where in they're doing nothing?
All they're painstakingly doing is to wait for the salary time to come and have some cheers of good mood then back to world-remorsing emotion after weeks before salary?
All they wanted is that
PEOPLE should ADJUST on their moodswing/ temperament/ nature/ disposition or whatever-you-want-to-call-it-nakakainis-na.Eto pa, if they are happy they can do whatever job you want them to do, but see, once they woke up in the wrong side of the bed, you should hide on your mother's pajamas because they will be so furious as tornado if you will give them some WORK as IN JOB to do.
Why is it called work if it they will not do it.
Where is the heart?
I dont know.
In HR you have to have not only your abilities but you have to have your heart doing your job.
If you feel that you dont have THE HEART to do it anymore?
why stay? SO that people will not give you wrong impressions, people will not throw their middle fingers on you because everyone is getting affected in your
DETRIMENTAL attitude. It sucks big time you know that?
I know I'm might be saying this because I'm not on their shoes doing that kind of job for about 12 or 13 yrs. But we need them to cooperate. Everyone else is doing their job, everyone is trying to adjust on them. SO please be appreciative atleast.
We are trying to think of solution that might help solve the problem. and again this is another kind of adjustment for them?
hay naku ang sakit na ng ulo ko sa pagpapasensya...
Friday, May 09, 2008
Who says that Filipinos have very bad English?
hindi kaya! mas angat talaga tayo sa iba...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
You know those times when you're just lying on your bed with the lights out and everything's quiet? When you can't seem to fall asleep just yet and you end up thinking about things, random things? Well it's not random for me. Every time I find my mind wandering, by some odd way, it always comes back to you. Don't ask me why or how, I wouldn't know too. It just does. I think about all sorts of things about you, too many to list down, too many to remember. But trust in me, I do.
Do want to know something? Sometimes, I play out these situations in my head like those portrayed in those cheesy noontime soaps. You know, drama. Thinking that maybe (hopefully not) it would come true in the future. And I'd imagine the pain of it all and I'd end up crying against my pillow. It's pathetic really, crying over something that's just make-believe. But I can't help it...I can't bear the thought of losing you, even if it's all in my head.
Nighttime is getting harder and harder to face...
Friday, May 02, 2008
Things are quite okay now. I don't exactly know why these bad things are happening, but somehow, I've seen good things coming... soon. Had spoken to my mom earlier, she said that granny will understand my reason why I didn’t pay them a visit when I had chance to. My silent prayers will always be sent thru the air, and I know for sure that she’s with the lord right now watching us somehow like she use to do.
My dad is working abroad since 2nd grade, during his absence, my mom’s relatives especially the elderly were the one who looked after us. If not because of them I’m sure my mom couldn’t make it alone. Mom can’t be a mother and a father at the same time for her 3 growing ladies. But there they are. Grandparents were there to look after us. They were the one who brought us up. They are very close to my heart, as in very close. That is why I felt like I was crucified and shot thru the heart when i heard that we are One root lesser.
I had a dream last night that somehow made me realize that everything would be okay. That everything would turn out the way I see them, one way or another. My life will be back to old boring phase, but surely i will not forget how blessed I am to have a family like mine.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
When I got home from work today, I didn't know what else to do so I ended up reading the write-ups/testimonials my college friends gave me from the years passed. Those were the cheesy information and err, whatever you call it. It hasn't been long since I read the stuff inside my testimonials but when I read it again today It felt like ages ago when I last hanged out with the classmates/ barkadas I had for four years. In almost every write-up, you can read about me being close with everyone and doing the ocho-ocho anytime, anywhere. LOL! we even had this group called
The Hamburger Band hahaha. In there also, we were brave enough to talk about our secrets and other stuffs, we were like little kids roaming around the university. and every single day we go to our favorite hang out in CUBAO. thanks to
ALBERTO's band rehearsal studio, Grabe, we were really very close to each other we didn't mind sharing things to one another and stuffs like that. Before, every day there was a huge homework central in
FEU Pavillion, especially in Physics. we were mad crammers. And we were good at it. And before, I danced in the classroom all the time and they don't even mind. (I think if I dance now, they're gonna bury me alive.)
And now I realized that for the 4 years I've been in hiatus without them, I think I already forgot how much fun we had. Or at least how much I enjoyed having them around. To all my former classmates/ friends, I miss you all too much. I feel sad somehow when I see you all in friendster, making their own lives, setting their own foot ahead, without each other, forgetting our nice times together.
But I'm happy also to see how we settled and grew up from were we part ways. Each has there own lives now, I had mine now, but still hoping that one day, Ill see all of you again.
*******************************
Thanks to my pet, Don't leave me bored again. It makes me realize how depressing life could get.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
I'm fat!! as in fat not phat...
Well it's official. I am a fat cow. I've always been on the pudgy side, but I've never been fat. I saw some recent photos of me, and yeah! I am FAT. Time to pull my head out of my ass and get into shape. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am going to do it.
They say you should lose about 1lb a week. That’s fine with me. Starting on May 1st, 2008 I am going to start exercising again, and eating as right as my budget can afford.
By mid year I should be less.
Granted I can't join a gym so I have to do it the old fasioned way. I'll start getting up at 6am, and exercising for an hour, take a shower and get to work on time.
I'm going to research the best ways to exercise with out paying for a gym, and figure out my own menu of food, and work from there.
Why 1st May you say. I can get a good pair of running shoes.
On May 1st you'll see an entry for my current weight, and my meal plan for the week, and then once a week I will post my progress and how well I stuck with my menu.
ARRG I am not looking forward to this, but I cannot be a fat cow anymore.
Damn I hate pictures.
God I hate pictures.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
1. Thanks for offering to help. :D I want to take care of it myself, and I'll have the money. Baby You're great.
2. I had a 2 day off!!! We went to Jumeirah beach park last weekend and it was so nice to get away for awhile, even if its just for a few hours.
3. I am almost caught up with my officework the whole week. I have a big assignment due on Sunday and another big assignment due on Wednesday and I haven't even read the damn books for my distant learning its supposed to be about. haha. Oh well. I know I'll get it done, since I don't have to go to work during the weekends. Weee!
4. I'm so excited to have 2 days off. I wanna go to somewhere else, away from Dubai. I have some plans middle of this year but i wont tell anybody yet. Thought of it palang, naeexcite na ako. shet.
5. Im starting to love my job. Ayokong isipin na dahil hindi na ako expose sa Early childhood chenes hindi ko na siya gusto. or maybe bounded lang ako sa current job ko kaya yung Im just too busy to think about it. anyway im very much thankful of what I have. thank you lord
6. and most of all, back to each others arms. I just realized that being with you is my happiness. sorry for being such an ass. I have gain weight and my appetite has come back already. lagi kasing walang gana when you'renot there. iloveyou pala. hahaha adik
******************************************************************
I think one of the best thing that ever happen to me in Dubai is having to meet this good fellow roommates turned into best friends. Have spent 50 percent most of my stay in UAE are well spent with them.
Iloveyou guys! I may not be as vocal as I can be but see... Im very proud of all of you. Pameelengs!
Friday, March 28, 2008
effects of anorexia
A year ago, i would have described myself as a positive, enthusiastic person who could cope with just about anything. but there I was sitting in a taxi, crying uncontrollably because the driver didnt understand where i wanted to go. its been a stressful office week i told myself. its a one -off! but a couple of days later i found myself having a tantrum in Spinneys- virtually throwing things because the line were taking so long.
I burst out, eyes brimming with tears. not just a one -off then.
and certainly not a normal reaction to a five minute delay. those tears became a regular part of that week, in the morning at work. and then panic attacks started. imagine waking up and remembering you have the most important exam of your life that day. cramming. there are some days I had to leave the office and go for a walk around the block because i felt i couldn't breathe and if i dont walk im ready to get off anyone's head. just feeling my face on heat everytime someone mess with me.
food doesn't seem to be palatable for me no matter how colorful or good it smells. i didnt feel the hunger at all.
Ironically, my life is close to perfection as it had never been. family problems manageable, i'd got my dram job, i was with the man i wanted to be with forever and living and working overseas which i'd always loved doing. it didn't make sense. and everyone around me seemed to be having such a fantastic time. what was wrong with me?
i'm a psychology graduate and no need to scan my DSM IV just to know why am i going through these. i know there is problem but too denial to accept it?
recently im confused/ i dont know, i just feel left out. i feel that i'm begging for attention that no one seems to notice. i feel sorry for myself. i pity myself because i know i dont deserve it to be. i should not be crying over him.
they told me i'm getting heavier this time.
insult huh. thinking im not eating anything.
i feel so low. this is not just another melancholia.
this is chronic. and no one can help me but myself only.
paula gamitin mo nga pagka psych grad mo!
adik. hay
