Thursday, October 26, 2006

ive been wanting to ask you ever since before i left but you made yourself completely unavailable. i called your home several times and sent you text messages, but you pretended you hadn't received any. you knew that im flooding your YM, inbox's and maybe you became irritated. then, finally, you replied the other day. you sounded so distant, that, i was afraid to ask you anything. my messages were insisting.. di mo ba pansin? you just sounded like everything was as usual. you just asked me what i wanted to know about you?

i guess, i didnt know what i want to know anymore!
all i do know, is something went teribly wrong that T-I-M-E. i only have very vague memories of what you've said. there was a sense of honesty and YES, some anticiption too.

we're been friends for a long time and i think you owe it to me to tell the truth. whats about that "HANGING STATEMENT?"

put me out of this please...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

katoliko ako. pero non-practitioner. hindi kasi ako palasimba lalo na tuwing linggo. kung magsisimba man ako, kadalasan pag may kasama, hindi ako tinatamad o inaantok, sinisipag ako maglakad (dahil malapit lang yung simbahan sa amin), pag wala ako sa mood mamintas, mabait ako at feeling ko kelangan ko ng mag-confess. o di kaya either sa ST. JOSEPH tondo or mag novena sa ST. Jude MalacaƱan tuwing thursday.

lumaki kami at nag aral sa catholic school. pero after highschool, pero after highschool nagkaroon na ako ng sariling paniniwala sa pananampalataya ko sa pinaniniwalaan ko. Bihira man ako, pumasok ng simbahan tuwing linggo. alam ko naiiwasan ko rin yung mga posibleng kasalanan ko pa pag nasa loob na ako ng simbahan. dun kasi sa pinas, dun sa tondo. hindi mapirmi yung attention ko sa buong mass. may attetion deficit pa naman ako. laging lumilipad yung utak ko pag may nakikita o nadidinig akong hindi rin nakikinig sa pari. nakakapintas tuloy ako ng di oras. dun kasi sa tondo, ang ingays sa loob ng simbahan, distracted ako sa mga batang nagtatakbuhan sa loob ng simbahan, sabayan pa ng mga bibig ng mga magulang na pilit pinipigilan yung mga anak nila sa kakatakbo, o sa bibig ng mga baby na tigas naman sa kakaiyak. samahan pa ng mga mbile fones na naka loud pa ata. mas malakas pa sa sound system ng simbahan. nakakapintas pa yung mga mata ka sama suot ng mga kabataang madalas namang nakikipag date sa kanilang mga uyab.

haayy, nakakalungkot lang isipin na kaunti nalang nga yung percentage ng mga nagsisimba, umaabsent pa din ako. pero kasi nasa loob na nga ako ng simbahan, nagakakasala pa rin ako. hindi man ako active sa attendance, hindi naman rin ako nakakalimot magdasal ano man gap sa orasan. kahit pa minsang hindi ko alam kung nadidinig nga yung mga dasal ko. pinipilit ko pa rin sinisigaw sa utak ko yung pasasalamat at hinaing ko. ngayon, namimiss ko na rin ang simbahan. may catholic church rin daw dito, pero malayo. tuwing friday na rin ang simba dito, isinasabay sa day- off. tinanong kasi ako ni khala kung may simbahan rin ba daw dito, at kung pwede daw magsimba ako at wag makalimot magdasal.

nung isang linggo pala, habang nasa mall kami ni ate. may lumapit saming mga KABAYAN. kala ko mga natural lang na batian ng mga pinoy dito yun. yun pala rerecruit kami sa fellowship chuva. libre naman daw lahat pati transpo, susunduin daw kami tas may chibog pa. pero sorry talaga sa mga nakakabasa ah. hindi kasi ako medyo okey sa mga ganung sharing sharing thingy eh. yung winawagay way pa yung mga kamay. sorry Ah, pero di ko kasi maalis na hindi mapangiti na, magagawa ko yung mga ganun sa buhay ko. ewan ko ba, tumatak kasi sakin yung sa BUBBLE GANG na ANG DATING DOON. tapos brother sister pa yun tawagan. mahihiya lalo ako pag may pray over session na.

okey namn din yung group dynamics paminsan minsan. wag lang ssobrahan at macocornihan na ako. tas ayun nga. pilit kaming nirerecruit. pero sana hindi naman sila na offend kasi pilite naman yung pag decline namin ni ate.

nadala na rin kasi ako sa mga ganyan kasi baka tulad ng iba yan na in the end, nanghihingi pa ng pera. wala pa naman ako nun. hehehe

******* sana nga minsan ma-try ko makapag simba ako sa totoong simbahan dito. sabi kasi nila, latin type daw ang mass dun. traditional. bawal pa nga rin daw dun ang mga babaeng hindi naka modest dress. so minus pintas na ako. at mas magugustuhan kong magdasalsa loob ng simbahang katoliko kesa sa simbahang gumawa ng sariling sekta (pero katoliko rin daw sila ah).

Sunday, October 22, 2006

21 days to go at birthday ko na:

heres my simple wishes for my special day.



SHOES:

I think I really need a new pair of chuckies or other really good walking sandals. My feet hurt ALL the time now and I think it is because after six months of intense walking while wearing the same pair of my star-designed flats they just don’t have the same shock absorbance they used to. I wear a womens size 6"

BOOKS/CD:

If you see one you liked or one you think I will like send it! If you see a used book you think I would like, or want to burn a CD of music you like and think I may too, I would love that. Also there are a few Books/CD’s that I really want like:

Books:

LIFE- by paulo coehlo
LONELY PLANET INDIA- by sarina singh
any book by sharon screech
Poppy Shakesphere- clare allan
For one more day- mitch albom
the road- cormac mc carthy
The light of evening- edna o'brien
The last mazurka- andrew tarnowski


Cd's:

Isang ugat, isang dugo- rivermaya
Fragmented- updharmadown
High Road- jojo
Bossa nova live- sitti


TEA:

There are a lot of tea you can get here like plain black tea, cinnamon, rose, green tea etc. but what i like is the Fancy Tea like Earl Grey’s (or better Lady Grey) or yummy herbal fruity blends (With the acceptation of lemon, yeah I really like lemon tea) or even green tea, but you can find it anywhere already... Whatever as long as it is more exciting than the Samoa equivalent of Brisk tea. marami yun sa chinese stores sa pinas.

FREE TICKETS:




BAMBOO and PAROKYA ni EDGAR live in dubai on December 8, 2006 at Dubai Country Club. it will be the first rock concert in middle east. Cant wait to see that.

another ticket:
- 2 way ticket. dubai to manila. i want to visit my mom and my little sister. i miss them so much.

SIMPLE TEXT MESSAGE: mapapangiti mo ako niyan. sigurado yan... miss ko na magtext! awww!


but if it happens na you dont find anything on the list. you may also send me some cash or donations through western union. hehehe. cash is mostly welcome.
EID MUBARAK to everyone


eid al fitr and diwali festival. whats the difference?


eid al fitr or the end of ramadan, can be compared sa christmas ng catholic. ineexpect na siya ngayon or tomorrow, depende kung masisilip pa ng mga moonsighting expert ang buwan ngayon. it will be announce by the unified global commitee.

diwali is the hindu festival of lights or parang new year.

kaya this past few days, lahat busy. after daylight, pagkatapos ng maghapon na fasting at pagdarasal, makikita mo sila sa mga malls at restaurants. shopping galore. last minute shopping sila. talagang pinaghahandaan nila yung occassion na ito. kahit sa mga gold souq, you wouldnt believe the rush. mapa-itik man (the way pinoy call indians) or locals (arab nationals). for itiks, they believe that LAKSHAMI- or yung goddess of wealth visits homes during these festival. (literature check?) kaya todo pamili sila ng alahas. kahit ilong may naksabit sa knila. sa arabs naman. sa ganitong panahon, gusto nila, lahat bago, lahat papalitan nila. its more of status symbol.

last night, nung nasa mall kami ni ate, binilan niya ako ng HALWA. yun yung traditional sweet nila. sticky siya talaga, parang yema peroiba yung texture, kakaiba, parang T*e pero masarap siya huh. the best yun for sweet lovers like me. 99% na nakakataba! no wonder why most nationals are obese. wala ngang pork, puro matamis naman. grabe.

well these festival is the time for them to visit friends and relatives.

umm. lapit na christmas. naaalala ko tuloy.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

moving...

I'm planning to move to JUMEIRAH this week.

ALONE.

away from my dad and my ate. kasi mas maraming opportunity dun.

JUMEIRAH is a place where most of the westerner and european resides. thats also the place where you can find the finest beaches in the emirate and the 7star BURJ AL ARAB hotel.

ill be living independently.

i have to work hard to pay for my room, to buy my own food. i have to earn money because I'm now responsible for myself.

my dad agreed on my decision. but I'm afraid that if my mom would learn about this, she'll definitely burst in anger to my dad.



AWAY AWAY na naman ito.

my mom would not understand my reason for leaving. thats for sure. i bet.

aakalain nun, pinapabayaan ako ng daddy.

hay wag naman sana.

wish me luck.

Monday, October 09, 2006

yesterday, i went to Deira, Dubai City alone for my interview on a Real State Company. Ibang iba talaga yung lugar na yun compared dito sa Ajman. Deira is the center of industries. andun yung stock market, famous hotels, tallest skyscrapers, biggest malls. basically its the business district ng UAE. 3rd time ko na pumunta dun pero first time kong mag isa pumunta. maganda ang weather kahapon kaya hindi ako nahirapan, hindi kasi mainit tulad dati. i walked around the area bago ng interview ko. tumambay mag isa at nameet ko si Maria- indian. shes waiting for her brother kaya nagkwentuhan muna kamin and we exchanged email addresses. tulungan daw niya ako to find a job. CLOSENESS number 1.



after ng interview ko. nagpunta na ako sa bus station. as much as i would like to eat, hindi pwede kumain kahit tubig or candy ngayon ramadan. at close lahat ng food establishments. bukas ang mall pero hindi talga pwede kumain sa labas in respect sa mga kapatid nating Muslim na nag fafasting (during daytime) sa mga panahong ito.



matagal rin dumating yung bus. 30 mins ako naghintay. tapos pag hapon pala walang biyaheng diretsong AJMAN. hanggang SHARJAH lang so yun lang ang choice ko. ang daming naghihintay pero laging priority ang babae dito. LADIES FIRST, kaya yung sinakyan kong bus ALL GIRLS TRIP. s aunahan ako umupo. astig. tabi kami ni manong driver. CLOSENESS number 2.



from Deira to Sharjah, cost 5dhms. malayo na rin yun at horrible ang traffic. nakakaantok ang gutom at uhaw. pero pinigilan kong matulog. inenjoy ko nalng yung mga nakikita ko at ang amoy ng mga katabi ko..



yung isang katabi ko. si SALMA-ethopian, tinanong ko lang kung saan ang sakayan pag baba ko ng bus papuntang ajman. tapos nagkuwentuhan na kami. tga ajman rin pala siya, at sa tapat lang din ng building namin yung tinitihan niya. kaya sabay na kami sumakay ng sharing taxi. CLOSENESS number 3..



sharing taxi-- 3 dhms. from sharjah to ajman.



pag hindi sharing aabot ng 10dhms, pag ako lang mag isa, kaya malaki natipid ko!.



**********************************************************************

the other night, i was moved by some stroeis over the radio about those pinoys na dumadating dito as visit visa. karamihan kasi, naabuso ng mga locals or ng iabng lahi. ang nakakagulat pa dun, kahit kapwa pinoy, mahirap pagkatiwalaan.



yung iba, hindi susuwelduhan tulad ng super friend kong si cleng. ilang beses sa kanyang ngyari yun. buti ngayon, nakahanap na siya ng employer na bibiygan na siya ng employment visa. yung iba naman, kahit galing pinas, naloloko rin ng agency pagdating dito. kaya hindi nakakapagtaka kung bakit may ibang pinoy dito na makikita mong nanghihingi ng pera sa daan. as in walang wala sila. nakakaawa. they need to do that to survive o para makaipon at ma renew visa nila. o kaya yung iba, kapit sa patalim at makipag relasyon s aibang lahi, mag commit ng adultery at maki-apid sa pinoy/pinay na maypamilya sa pinas? hmmm uso dito yun. para matugunan yung needs sa pera at sa laman?



*******************************************************************

nakakalungkot lang isipin mas lalong naapektuhan yung pananaw ko dati sa pag-ibig sa ngayon. para kasing hindi mo rin madedefine kung pag-ibig nga yung namamagitan between couples. kung hanggang saan ba aabutin yung relasyon nila. kung pagdating bsa sa pinas sila p rin? lalo na kung may pamilya ang isa? o kung ibang lahi ang ka relasyon mo, tlagang totoo ba yung feelings nila sayo at hindi sex object lang ang tingin nila sayo at hindi pera lang ang alam nilang habol mo sa kanila. hindi ko masisis ang ibang lahi. kung ang tingin nila sa pinay ay BILI-MO-AKO-GIRLS. kasi may iba talaga diyan na may ganung disorder.



parang ngayon mas lalo akong naging kuripot ipakilala sarili ko. kung sa pinas naging madamot ako. mas lalo ngayon. nadagdagan ang percentage.



hindi ko man sinasabing nagpunta ako rito para sa lovelife. pero kung iisipin ko, mas lalong lumabo ang pathway ko pagdating sa buhay pag-ibig. mas malabo pa sa sandstorm. PAKSHET

Monday, October 02, 2006

I sleep so much these past few days. I sleep even after eating. Even if I have all those 8-10 hours of sleep I still feel weak and well-- sleepy. I think I am suffering from hypersomnia. A friend told me (she's probably reading this right now) that maybe because lately I don't eat much.



Hell, I lost my appetite too. I look at food and just feel sleepy. I try to talk but all the topics around me bore me to hell. last week, i worried too much because of the typoon that hit manila. then my friends been babbling stories about MR. RAKSTAR.



I actually don't want to sob because I know everyone's tired of listening to me right now. I just feign interest and they go on and on about their boyfriend, their anniversary, their shallow insecurities and I just sort of comment every now and then.



Sometimes I shed a tear a two but they didn't notice. It's funny. And when I am all alone I feel somewhat at peace because I don't have to be frustrated at seeing someone and hoping that they'd ask me how was I or how things are going. They never asked me. They'd go on and on about their own needs and I just let them be although deep in my heart i want to be comforted.



Yes, it's selfish, it's g*ddam selfish of me to think of those but hell when was the last time that I'd been selfless?



A few days ago, I was almost devastated. But of course... I couldn't say it out a loud because once again there was no comfort offered only doubt and just some nods that they heard you or something. So now, I learned now that whenever you feel something, something deep paining you you oughta hide it within. People just don't understand. Only you can help yourself and only you can heal yourself.
I learned that the hard way.





From now on, I am my only confidant. From now on, this journal will be why sort of punching bag. At least I know this won't respond not because it doesn't want to but because it can't.



Right now im sick. my asthma hit me again after such a long time.



errr