Things are quite okay now. I don't exactly know why these bad things are happening, but somehow, I've seen good things coming... soon. Had spoken to my mom earlier, she said that granny will understand my reason why I didn’t pay them a visit when I had chance to. My silent prayers will always be sent thru the air, and I know for sure that she’s with the lord right now watching us somehow like she use to do.

My dad is working abroad since 2nd grade, during his absence, my mom’s relatives especially the elderly were the one who looked after us. If not because of them I’m sure my mom couldn’t make it alone. Mom can’t be a mother and a father at the same time for her 3 growing ladies. But there they are. Grandparents were there to look after us. They were the one who brought us up. They are very close to my heart, as in very close. That is why I felt like I was crucified and shot thru the heart when i heard that we are One root lesser.

I had a dream last night that somehow made me realize that everything would be okay. That everything would turn out the way I see them, one way or another. My life will be back to old boring phase, but surely i will not forget how blessed I am to have a family like mine.

Boredom makes you daydream

When I got home from work today, I didn't know what else to do so I ended up reading the write-ups/testimonials my college friends gave me from the years passed. Those were the cheesy information and err, whatever you call it. It hasn't been long since I read the stuff inside my testimonials but when I read it again today It felt like ages ago when I last hanged out with the classmates/ barkadas I had for four years. In almost every write-up, you can read about me being close with everyone and doing the ocho-ocho anytime, anywhere. LOL! we even had this group called The Hamburger Band hahaha. In there also, we were brave enough to talk about our secrets and other stuffs, we were like little kids roaming around the university. and every single day we go to our favorite hang out in CUBAO. thanks to ALBERTO's band rehearsal studio, Grabe, we were really very close to each other we didn't mind sharing things to one another and stuffs like that. Before, every day there was a huge homework central in FEU Pavillion, especially in Physics. we were mad crammers. And we were good at it. And before, I danced in the classroom all the time and they don't even mind. (I think if I dance now, they're gonna bury me alive.)

And now I realized that for the 4 years I've been in hiatus without them, I think I already forgot how much fun we had. Or at least how much I enjoyed having them around. To all my former classmates/ friends, I miss you all too much. I feel sad somehow when I see you all in friendster, making their own lives, setting their own foot ahead, without each other, forgetting our nice times together.
But I'm happy also to see how we settled and grew up from were we part ways. Each has there own lives now, I had mine now, but still hoping that one day, Ill see all of you again.

*******************************
Thanks to my pet, Don't leave me bored again. It makes me realize how depressing life could get.

I'm fat!! as in fat not phat...
Well it's official. I am a fat cow. I've always been on the pudgy side, but I've never been fat. I saw some recent photos of me, and yeah! I am FAT. Time to pull my head out of my ass and get into shape. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am going to do it.

They say you should lose about 1lb a week. That’s fine with me. Starting on May 1st, 2008 I am going to start exercising again, and eating as right as my budget can afford.

By mid year I should be less.

Granted I can't join a gym so I have to do it the old fasioned way. I'll start getting up at 6am, and exercising for an hour, take a shower and get to work on time.

I'm going to research the best ways to exercise with out paying for a gym, and figure out my own menu of food, and work from there.

Why 1st May you say. I can get a good pair of running shoes.

On May 1st you'll see an entry for my current weight, and my meal plan for the week, and then once a week I will post my progress and how well I stuck with my menu.

ARRG I am not looking forward to this, but I cannot be a fat cow anymore.

Damn I hate pictures.

God I hate pictures.

Best things in life are FREE

1. Thanks for offering to help. :D I want to take care of it myself, and I'll have the money. Baby You're great.

2. I had a 2 day off!!! We went to Jumeirah beach park last weekend and it was so nice to get away for awhile, even if its just for a few hours.

3. I am almost caught up with my officework the whole week. I have a big assignment due on Sunday and another big assignment due on Wednesday and I haven't even read the damn books for my distant learning its supposed to be about. haha. Oh well. I know I'll get it done, since I don't have to go to work during the weekends. Weee!

4. I'm so excited to have 2 days off. I wanna go to somewhere else, away from Dubai. I have some plans middle of this year but i wont tell anybody yet. Thought of it palang, naeexcite na ako. shet.

5. Im starting to love my job. Ayokong isipin na dahil hindi na ako expose sa Early childhood chenes hindi ko na siya gusto. or maybe bounded lang ako sa current job ko kaya yung Im just too busy to think about it. anyway im very much thankful of what I have. thank you lord

6. and most of all, back to each others arms. I just realized that being with you is my happiness. sorry for being such an ass. I have gain weight and my appetite has come back already. lagi kasing walang gana when you'renot there. iloveyou pala. hahaha adik

******************************************************************






I think one of the best thing that ever happen to me in Dubai is having to meet this good fellow roommates turned into best friends. Have spent 50 percent most of my stay in UAE are well spent with them.

Iloveyou guys! I may not be as vocal as I can be but see... Im very proud of all of you. Pameelengs!

Effects of Anorexia

effects of anorexia
A year ago, i would have described myself as a positive, enthusiastic person who could cope with just about anything. but there I was sitting in a taxi, crying uncontrollably because the driver didnt understand where i wanted to go. its been a stressful office week i told myself. its a one -off! but a couple of days later i found myself having a tantrum in Spinneys- virtually throwing things because the line were taking so long.

I burst out, eyes brimming with tears. not just a one -off then.

and certainly not a normal reaction to a five minute delay. those tears became a regular part of that week, in the morning at work. and then panic attacks started. imagine waking up and remembering you have the most important exam of your life that day. cramming. there are some days I had to leave the office and go for a walk around the block because i felt i couldn't breathe and if i dont walk im ready to get off anyone's head. just feeling my face on heat everytime someone mess with me.

food doesn't seem to be palatable for me no matter how colorful or good it smells. i didnt feel the hunger at all.

Ironically, my life is close to perfection as it had never been. family problems manageable, i'd got my dram job, i was with the man i wanted to be with forever and living and working overseas which i'd always loved doing. it didn't make sense. and everyone around me seemed to be having such a fantastic time. what was wrong with me?

i'm a psychology graduate and no need to scan my DSM IV just to know why am i going through these. i know there is problem but too denial to accept it?

recently im confused/ i dont know, i just feel left out. i feel that i'm begging for attention that no one seems to notice. i feel sorry for myself. i pity myself because i know i dont deserve it to be. i should not be crying over him.

they told me i'm getting heavier this time.

insult huh. thinking im not eating anything.

i feel so low. this is not just another melancholia.

this is chronic. and no one can help me but myself only.

paula gamitin mo nga pagka psych grad mo!

adik. hay

first day

Napakalungkot ko ngayong araw na ito.
Ayaw ko lang sigurong aminin.
Pagising ko palang sa umaga, parang may kulang na.
Hindi lang tulog...
dahil alam ko sa sarili may kulang talaga.

Tinignan ko yung celfone ko walang miscol, walang text.
Received call- 10 March 2008, 03:53:05 am

yan na ang huling pag uusap namin mula ngayon.
kailangan kong maghintay ng isang buwan para lang magkaroon ako ng tawag mula sa kanya.

matagal tagal rin yun.
mukhang sa mga susunod na umaga, ganito pa rin ang mararamdaman ko.

ang hirap.

Vague...
vague...
vague...

Life's so vague don't you think? You'll never know what's stored for you tomorrow when you failed to experience what tomorrow is...got me?

Now, i was given the time to reflect again.

What are the things I've been missing that loses my drive to continue stayin?

Why can't I be nice?

It's a funny question. I know. But it's something I have been secretly thinking of lately. It's like I'm always bitter and mad. I don't really know why... Actually I do. I just don't want to admit it. It's sad because it's making me gain more frienemies.

This is the shit. I feel so empty and I don't know why. I guess this is just one of those days. I feel so pressured by work and it is so not helping me control the things I want to. I have tons to do and I can't do anything right. I can't even finish my computer homework, which is supposed to be as easy as pie.

or maybe because vacation is coming and I would like to go and run off this country and not come back anymore.

Yes, im definetly serious. hahaha. seriously joking I mean.

Pnioy Big Brother 3 Audition
16 November 2007


Ang lupit, biro niyo, matatawag na kaming Jologs ni Cleng dahil nagpunta kami sa Audition ng PBB at PDA nung Friday. Late na nga kaming dumating pero inentertain pa rin kami. Hindi naman talaga sineryoso ni Cleng yun, gusto lang din niya maexperience kung paano makipag sapalaran sa pagkuha ng natatanging bituin ng showbiz. malay nga natin, palarin siya maging Say Alonzo or Wendy isang araw.

Pero hindi pa yata talaga niya oras para sa 2 months FAME at hindi siya napasama sa mga OFW na mukha ng PBB. hindi pumasa kay Direk at kay Miggy kaya, wala nalang kaming nagawa kung hindi kumuha ng remembrance at para may maipost sa friendster.

ayos.
jologs pero it was a nice experience for both of us.

cute si direk.

I Love you enough to fight for you
compromise for you and sacrifice myself for you if needed to be

Enough to miss you, incredibly when we're apart, no matter what length of time its for you and regardless of the distance.

Enough to believe in our relationship to stand by it through the worst times, to have faith in our strength as a couple and never give up on us.

Enough to spend the rest of my life with you, be there for you when you need or want me and never ever want to leave you or live without you.

ILOVEYOU this much.

my horoscope for th day

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)[?]

Bottom Line
The many misunderstandings going on in your life are ending soon. Clarity is coming.

In Detail
Things that are way beyond your control might be bumming you out especially hard today, but try not to get discouraged. There is always hope. Take a brighter, more peaceful approach and talk things out with the people around you who feel the same way you do. Together, you can all change to a happier topic and turn even the sourest lemons into delicious, sunshiney lemonade. There's an inspiring force deep inside of you, and it can only be revealed through trial.

korek!

Whole week was a bit of a busy one for me. besides doing whole crap of HR work. Organizing an Iftar party is very hard. especially for an expat like me who doesn't know other nationality's food. We have last night's Consumer Sales Iftar party at Dhow Palace Hotel in Bur Dubai. twas a nice place and good food also. 180 pax, mostly bulugans at as gutoms as buwaya. by the way, IFTAR is a traditional celebration dinner during Ramadan.Its breaking the fast together either with families or parties. I'm very honored that i was invited also though i'm not a muslim and looking forward to it all week. Me, Micheline and Adersh just got there 20 minutes early. Since the fast couldn't be broken until sunset we waited patiently until all of them arrived on the venue. Most of them are mobile salesman whose always in the market. No food, no water from sunrise til sunset. The "no food" I think I could handle, but it's the "no water" part that would make me insane. If you could only see those men, reddy eyes, dry lips and skin, But all these Muslim adults appeared just as cool calm and collected as can be. Our hosts were gracious enough to offer non-Muslims juices and water, but I just felt bad about drinking in front of them and declined. 7 minutes had past of 6:00pm I saw a couple of men carrying huge trays of food and walking towards the direction of the party pavilion. Then it was, it started already. I saw a lot of refreshed smiles on faces. A few minutes later the food was ready. It was all amazingly delicious; fresh tossed salad with a mint vinagrette dressing, baba ganoush, kibbeh,yogurt and chicken with bulghar wheat. All of it was very tasty & filling. Then there was dessert, besides freshly picked fruits, there were indian and arabic sweets, like different kinds of halwa and knafeh is dough pasty cooked over a white cheese filling and topped with pastashios, and it's all covered in a very light syrup. Lots of YUM YUM that night. With full tummys it was time for a little walk in BURJUMAN, a mall near at the building where im staying. window shopping ulit and overall, I'd have to say it was a most enjoyable evening. buchog.

a moment like this

Truly I have waited for a moment like this. The moment when you have finally seen that everything fits. And that all of the things you have yearned and hoped for has finally came true. I never thought that it could be truly possible, never thought it would happen. Love caught me by surprise and indeed I could testify that good things come to those who know how to wait.

For three years I have been asking God for someone to love. And impatiently I grew and had it my way. The past so- called relationship I had left broken and he left me broken. I got tired and had lost hope in love. Funny because out of the confusion that is going on in my life ... there is only one recurring vision .. and I never thought that the face I see was the person who I would be spending most my time here now ...

I thank God for giving you to me, I thank Him allowing me to see, and I thank Him even more for giving me hope to wait for something great ... for now I have someone to love & someone to share with.

I've had so many people tell me in this life time that they never really understood the kind of person I am. I'm as open as a book, and as closed as a closet. I'm there, yet, I'm not. You can't ignore me, but you sense the lack of my existance.

People can trust me with their deepest secrets and troubles, yet at the same time, they're hesitant to approach me. My silence has always been considered a weakness in times when individuals feel that I need to speak up and defend myself. What yet seems to surprise me is the fact that, even after 23 years of living this fancinating life, haven't people really known the kind of person I am?

I'm called and chattered upto whenever I'm needed. And there are times, where I feel like I've been existing in a world that's really not my own. The people around me aren't my own. I love yet at the same time, hate them as well. The reason for both these emotions is a mystery to me as well. Till this date, I've still not been able to figure it out.

What exactly do I want from life? What is it that people want from me? I want to be around the people I love and care about, but something in me always keeps saying that their feelings for me aren't real. I'm not pitying myself, but why is there this want of mine to get away from everyone I know? Why do I feel that I need to be alone and live life on my own conditions and terms? Its not like i'm restricted in a lot of ways at the moment.

Why is it that I like sunsets? The drowing of powerful body such as a sun, always makes me feel as though thats a reinterpretation of my relationships with the people around me. They die and live as each day passes by. They're beautiful, but somehow always manage to create a sadness around them.

As big as a mystery people may consider me to be...there's something that even I've never been able to understand myself. That one thing is....me.

going home...

mula nung nagbakasyon at nangaling mulas a bakasyon yung mga housemates ko dito sa Dubai,
madalas malungkot na ako. Hindi ko alam at sumisirko na naman ang mood ko. madalas, wala na naman ako sa sarili at naluluha na naman ako ng walang dahilan.

siguro dahil, naaeexcite na talaga akong umuwi. tae, 5 buwan pa, ang tagal pa nun. parang napaka habang pag hihintay at naiiinip na naman ako. gusto kong pabilisin ang bawat oras at araw na pinag stay ko dito sa opis.

excite na akong ikwento sa lahat ang mga experience ko dito. maganda man o panget. lahat yun, gusto ko ng ishare sa mama ko, sa kapatid ko pati sa mga kaibigan ko.

ang nakakatakot lang,.
alam ko, tulad ko, marami ng nagbago.
ako nga nagbago, pano pa sila?
kilala pa ba nila ako?
ganun pa rin ba silang makitungo sakin?

pag mag isa ako ngayon
pag di makatulog.
marami na akong naiisip gawin.
marami ng pinaghahandaan.
marami na akong binibili; at marami na akong gustong bilhin
marami na ako plano.

planong tulad ng, kung sino ang mga una kong tatawagan.
tas ipapaluto ko sa mama ko yung ginataang langka at masarap na daing na kalaso.
papagawa ako ng kalamay sa lola ko.
papabili ako ng mangga at saging na senyorita.
gusto kong kumain ng kahit anong value meal ng Jollibee na may chicken joy at sfageti, o kaya pizza ng yellowcab, red tea ng tokyo tokyo or onion ring ng chef d'angelos.

heaven!
being HOME IS HEAVEN.

im sweating like a pig.
and im surrounded by a lot of pigs.

piggy shit.

SA buong linggo, Friday lang ang heaven day para sakin dahil makakapag internet rin ako na ipinagkakait samin sa office.

friday rin ang loaded day para mga comp shop dito sa Dubai. Mostly pinoy ang laman ng mga ito. tulad ngayon. parang palenke ang kinalalagyan ko. Imbes na mag emote ako sa sarili kong problema, mukha atang inihahain ko pa ang mga tenga ko s amga problema ng mga kapwa ko pinoy sa loob ng comp shop na ito.

biro mo, itong katabi ko ang problema nilang mag asawa eh yung bubong ng bahay ng magulang nila.

itong isa ko pang katabi. Mukhang ka-chat niya ang asawa niya sa Pinas habang katabi naman niya yung asawa niya rito sa Dubai. Komplikado ito.

samantalang ako, problema pa rin ang pera. hahaha...

Sobrang init na ulit dito ngayon. sa tantsa ko, 43 Degrees na ulit tulad nung isang araw. nakakasunog sa balat. tumatagos sa damit. ang itim ko na naman. kailangan ko ulit bumili ng katakot takot na sunblock para naman pag uwi ko sa pinas sa JANUARY, hindi nila sasabihin na nangaling lang ako sa Cebu or sa Davao sa kaitiman ko.

Speaking of PAG-UWI. lapit na yun. 2 months nalang at ma-coconfirm na ako (hopefully). tas 6 months nalang pwede na ako umuwi. (ang mahirap lang dun, til now wala pa rin akong ipon)

pero sige try kong umpisahan na yan.

makikita ko na rin kayo?

pasalubong? hmm. pag iisipan ko yan.

ciao!

I was hurt as much as I was happy as much as I loved. And I dont need the rivermaya pin, cd and others stuffs back. It will just remind me of so much pain that was/is you. Something you dont understand and will never do. Throw it away. I dont want it. I want you out, totally.

I used to remember my own dying moment, I thought of my friend, kaaway and you the whole picture of you. I still love you and I hate it. I want to say it out loud for the last time because you cant. Because you DONT. I love you and Ill say it because I can. Because as much as I try (God knows how hard) you still haunt me. You still make me cry and im crying now. Again. Im pretty sure you didnt cry for me.

My bilins still stand. I know how little of worth I am/was to you. Maybe I hate you because I still love you. And thats my problem. Have a good life. Hanggat may thursday maaalala kita. Hanggat nakakakain ako ng monggo at donut, hanggat may nueva ecija, hanggat siguro nabubuhay ako maaalala kita. GANON KITA MINAHAL. Sana di ka magtaka kung bakit ganito ako nasasaktan at nagalit. It only equates to how much I loved you, and how much you NEVER loved me. Pathetic no? I dunno neil, I refuse to cry anymore but you still make me. I get fresh wounds everytime I hear about you, add that to the healing and healed wounds that get sore too, everytime I remember you. Ganon pa rin kasakit. Baka ganon pa rin ako nagmamahal. Di ako nahihiyang aminin sa yo yun dahil alam kong walang saysay ang pagmamahal ko sa yo. At di rin ako nahihiya dahil yun ang totoo.

I wish you were even half as brave as I am. I hope this wont happen to you or her, ever. I am sorry I annoys you. I am sorry I love you. I am so sorry for feeling too much. I am so sorry. Goodbye. Goodbye. I miss you. -->

so the fever is not yet over. you can hear emiratis screaming to the fullest and making theirselves noticed on the streets. The football spirit is present in everyone as people carried UAE flags, decorated their cars and even painted their faces and clothes green, white, red and black.

****
anyway, For two days straight, im very unlucky to be caught in 3 hours traffic in Dubai because of this exhilaration but fortunate enough to come home with my arms, feet and my whole body parts together. Traveling in the city is not very easy especially when you come across those rude emirati drivers. SIGA at feeling sa kanila ang kalsada. as if you're in a roller coaster. I always say "parang nasa isang hukay ang paa ko pag bumabiyahe ako." =D

finally, matatawag ko na ang sarili kong MAY TRABAHO.

after 6 months na paghihintay nakuha ko na yung gusto kong trabaho. ganun pala talaga dapat. kailangang maghintay, kailangang mainip paminsan minsan, kailangan magtiyaga, kailangan malaman ko muna kung paano magpasensya para makuha ko yung gusto ko. hindi ko pinlano lahat pero dumating nalang yung pagkakataon sa tamang oras. oo tama. yung ang term dun, TAMANG oras. worth it ang paghihintay ko kahit pa iba na ang visa ko. EMPLOYMENT visa pero mas alam ko ngayong may kasiguraduhan na yung dinadaaanan ko.

maraming nagsasabing suwerte daw ako kasi nasa malaking company ako ngayon ng UAE nagwowork, pero lagi kong sinasabing, ngayong lang dumating yung time ko. wala ngang maniwala sa mga dinaanan ko, physically, mentally, socially, morally, lahat nang may LY sa dulo. at syempre EMOTIONALLY. nakakatorture ang unang mga buwan ko dito. alam niyo yung parang pumapadyak ka na sa sobrang inis mo at wala kang magawa sa pagkakataon na yun. ganun yung feeling ko lagi dati. suicide.

pero ngayon, mas magaan na, 60% ang inilutang ko sa hangin.

mas nakakatawa na ako ng maluwag, mas marami pa akong natututunan sa bagong ENVIRONMENT ko. alam ko, maraming nagdasal sa akin at naniwalang makakaahon rin ako sa lusak =? pero, nakalubog pa ang mga paa ko, alam kong tuluyan na rin akong makakaahon. kelangan lang talagang magHINTAY.

salamat. =D