life is getting better

3 days to NEW YEAR’S EVE. The rush, the panic, The List — the New Year’s Resolution List.

2009-12-29T04:49:00.001Z

3 days to NEW YEAR’S EVE.
The rush, the panic, The List — the New Year’s Resolution List.
I gave up on The List a couple of years ago. I know what the self-help gurus say about writing it down to “cement” it and to have something tangible to hold yourself to, like a contract. But nine times out of ten, these resolutions never make it past paper.
The trouble with The List is it’s too much pressure. The state of mind is too hopeful and light at this time of year that people tend to write down unrealistic resolutions. Take some of the doomed resolutions from my own List in past years:
• Starting a healthy diet and/or exercise regimen – FAILED!
As a Filipino at the tailend of the holiday season, I’ve already set myself up for failure with this resolution. With all the leftovers and obligatory visits to relatives/friends, a diet isn’t likely to survive two minutes in the face of Pancit ( Chinese Noodles) and Leche Flan (Crème Caramel) in all its incarnations. And exercise after all that food in this sultry weather? It only happened in my dreams.
• Organize the house/room/office — FAILED!
If there is only flash of fireworks and smell of pulbura (gunpowder) conjures up visions of sugarplums dancing on my head and illusions that I could easily organize any room in my house/office in a day or two. And of course, when I start to get down to it, I never know where to start. After a few frustrating hours, I end up hiding documents and clutter at the back of the closet instead of organizing it — I’m back where I started.
• Change bad habits (including, but not limited to drinking, obsessive behavior) — FAILED!
Yes, I know the touchy-feely moments with family and friends tend to bring out the hopeless romantic in the most jaded people. Grand promises are made, and for a moment it’s easy to pretend it can really happen. When the luster of the New Year fades, so does this ubiquitous of all resolutions.
And my favorite resolution on The List:
• Become a better person — FAILED!
Usually this resolution is all about me trying to change my lifestyle to be more environmentally conscious or to control my temper better. This has always set me up for loads of guilt and disappointment every time I fall short of that picture of perfection I have in my head.
So I’ve mixed The List altogether and what do you know? I’ve finally taken up a sport I can be passionate about and I’m still actively doing it three years later. Although it’s still a struggle to lay off the junk food, I’ve been more vigilant about my diet without beating down on myself. And aside from the stable weight loss, I’m happier, too.
So what’s the secret? There is none! I just remembered a few simple facts of life that everyone eventually realizes after some trial and error:
• The list is not the be-all and end-all.
Making a list is not the point. The point is taking a step forward by putting down your plan of action where you can see it; a reference point. But a reference point is just that, a pointer to the goal. The goal is not to cross out the list. The goal is to accomplish the things on the list.
• Make it short.
It was easier for me when I limited the list to about 5 or less immediate goals for the year instead of a dozen. Just one major thing can be overwhelming, let alone a dozen or more. That item I listed before, “organize room,” took me months because, like the typical middle-class consumer, I have a closet crammed full of clothes, bags, shoes and knick knacks that have to be sorted out. I also have a bursting bookshelf and collection of toys and lunchboxes that are encroaching on every inch of floor space I have left in the partition room where I am staying.
Also, I kept the sentences short and to the point. No conditions, no ifs or buts. For example, I wrote, “Learn and play Badminton” not “I promise to go to the nearest Badminton court (Find me in Satwa!) and learn to play Badminton so I can lose weight, etc. etc.” This way, my mind stayed focused on what I needed to do, and I didn’t put unnecessary pressure on myself.
• Be very specific and task-oriented.
Like I said before, in my revised non-List list, I wrote down “Learn and play Badminton.” I didn’t put down, “Take up a sport that I will stick to” or “Lose weight by taking up a sport.” It pays to be specific. When I knew that I just had to do this one thing, I went ahead and did it, and the benefits I wanted immediately followed without the stress that usually accompany such resolutions.
I was also able to organize the mad chaos of my room by writing down, “arrange my bookshelf” and “give old and unused clothes to the orphanage,” instead of the general statement”organize room.” After putting order to my shelf and closet, it was a matter of just moving from one area to the next.
• Set a realistic timetable.
While it was specific and easy to understand that I needed to organize my bookshelf, it could still have ended up on my FAILED list if I didn’t set a timeframe for myself. I knew that my calendar after the New Year celebrations would be full of meetings and trips to Creek Transit. So I set aside two hours every Saturday to organize my bookshelf.
It wasn’t done overnight, but I didn’t feel frustrated because I was doing something concrete to finish this specific task. The most important thing was, by the first month of the New Year, I had accomplished at least one resolution. It seems like such a small thing, but the feeling I got for (finally) finishing something on that list got me on a roll.
• Make it a guilt-free list.
Lastly, as much as I love promises and resolutions and challenges, the point of having a list like this is to have a happier, fuller life. Becoming obsessed about it defeats the purpose.
Before when my sister saw me agonizing about an item in my list, she scoffed, “It’s just a list, you know.” And after the initial outrage I felt toward her (how dare she belittle my efforts!), I realized she was right. It is just a list, and if I don’t accomplish everything on it before the year is up, the world isn’t going to end. I can always start over. And here I am, starting it over.
Happy New Year’s Eve, folks. Eat too much and steer clear of the pulbura.

Orbit Day

2009-11-17T07:40:00.001Z

it was my 26th Birthday recently.
text floods & teases of a year older gaps.
sigh.
but this year's one of my best years.
i was able to commit myself for a good cause with my family's blessing.
i was able to know more & understand & accept my sibling's internal struggles.
i was able to be a strong pillar for my family amidst our past trials during my father’s childish acts & so with my sister's malady.
i was able to renew my vows with the poor, oppressed & the needy towards a long journey for a better tommorow.
i was able to survive a year without a broken heart.
i was able to clear my thoughts on bizaare angles.
i was able to sing blind melon's no rain & cranberries' i'm free to decide with more gusto.
i was able to witness countless sunrises & sunsets to behold.
i was able to meet some kindred souls who never fails to remember.
i was able to share my gift to a lot of spirited comrades & friends.
i was able to be cheerful inspite of having a hopefully benign cystlike lump on my uterus.
i was able to serenade the world with my laughters
i was able to teach my shadow to act & dance accordingly even without music.
& still there's more to thank for a year bestowed to me by the heavens.
thus this calls for new vows & hopeful hearts to beat with the melodic tune of struggle.
i am still hopeful for i am continually blessed.
and i deserve that.

salamat to my birthday well-wishers & for the giant softy pillow.
you're all thankfully cherished.

pwede ba?

2009-10-27T10:50:00.001Z

nafeel niyo na ba yung isang araw na pag labas mo ng bahay parang may naiwan ka at gusto mong balikan, pero pag bumalik ka naman hindi mo alam yung naiwan mo. tapos lalabas ka ulit na parang ang bigat bigat na ng loob mo na parang ayaw mo ng lumabas at gusto mo nalang mag stay para mahanap yung naiwan mo na something sa comfort zone mo.

tapos at the end of the day, marerealize mo na yung sarili mo pala yung naiwan mo. yung OLD self mong tinatawag. yung bang gigising ka ulit kinabukasan na may kulang sa yo or may nag iba na sayo.

tapos dagdagan pa ng nasasaloob mo na wala kang mapagsabihan ng mga hinaing na ito kasi wala kang maisip na tao na makakaintindi sayo. ang alam mo sa sarili mo wala kang kaibigan na mahihingahan. wala ka kasing mahanap na kaibigan sa napaglagyan mong lugar. may mga nakakasama ka pero wala dun yung strongest link niyo sa isat isa.

nakakamiss yung mga araw na kahit anong oras may itetext ka or tatawagan kahit mundane yung problema mo. may alam kang kaibigan na masasabihan mo na mga kakornihan mo.

ang hirap ng ganito.

i need to vent. kailangan ko naman huminga. hindi enough yung isang taong hinihingahan ko. ibang usapan yun eh. wahhh

sabi ko nga sa friend kong nasa pinas thru email. wala akong mapagkatiwalaan dito. ewan ko nga ba. pwede paki sagot?

pwede ba akong magteleport muna papuntang pinas? pwede ba?

realization

2009-07-20T17:17:00.004Z

Madalas pag sinasabi kong hindi ko nakaya, bigla nalang may darating na pangyayari at masasabi ko nalang sa sarili kong, "OK naman pala eh... kaya pa."

eto yung mga halimbawa:
1. kanina nagtext na yung boss ko si Binu, sabi niya she'll meet my mom daw tomorrow morning. Wala sa hinagap kong mangyayari ito ulit. yung unang beses na pumunta si amo sa pinas at nagkita sila last yr. malaking bagay na yun sakin na makita niya yung mga pinakamamahal ko sa buhay ko. yung mga inspirasyon ko. tapos ngayon ulit. imimeet niya lit family ko. napapa wow nalang talaga ako. hindi ko akalain na magiging ganyan kabait si amo. kung alam lang ng marami kung gano ang pinag-daanan ko dyan nung nasa lumang office pa kami. pareho kaming bago nun... hay that's another story.

2. sabi nung isang kasama ko sa trabaho nung isang araw. "lots of staffs are coming to meet you, to call you, to ask you... its because they acknowledge you in your position. it means you are effective". isa pang wow. its a good thing to hear it from my one of my good colleague. Bias ba. pero siguro nga kaya siguro ako nakakatanggap ng mga tawag sa madaling araw para sa emergency leave nila, sa passport release nila, sa mga bagong candidates na ilang oras na naghihintay sa airport, sa mga leave na hindi naapprove, sa nawawalang susi, sa nabasang passport, sa chismis ng kapwa nila diser, sa panliligaw ng wala sa lugar, kung magkano ba deduction nila this month, kung may bf na ba ako, kung may increment ba this year, kung may bonus ba. pero minsan kahit nakakapagod sumagot ng napakadaming tanong araw araw. kahit pa minsan feeling ko customer service assistant na ako sa sobrang dmaing tawag ko sa isang araw. masaya pa rin na minsan na naiinis ka na. after all these years, i've learned to love it.

3. kahapon, while checking all those birthdya celebrants for this month. i've learned from one of my collegues. that though that have their bdays on their passports, hindi totoo lahat ng iyun. hindi lahat nag cecelebrate ng birthdays nila. since marami sa kanila, hindi naman alam ang tunay na araw ng kapanganakan nila. marami sa kanila sa obserbasyon ko nag birthday ng 1st january. yun pala eh passport birthdya lang yun. sinc eyun ang unang araw ng taon yun nalang ang lalagay nila dahil wala silang ibang mailagay. maaring iba sa kanila hindi marunong mag basa or magsulat ang mga magulang kaya yun nalang ang naparehistro. salamat pa rin kasi alm ko pa rin ang bday ko. alam kong magcecelebrate pa rin ako. at alam kong pinanganak ako sa araw na iyon.

4. ano man ang complain ko sa trabaho ko minsan. blessed pa rin ako dahil sa daming company na tagilid dito sa bansang ito dahil sa recession. nananatiling matatag ang grupong ito at marami silang natutulungang katulad ko.

salamat lord!

ramblings

2009-05-04T16:21:00.002Z

why does going to work feel heavier each morning?

…

last night, when i was about to pay for my baskin trea for myself, i saw that i didn’t have money in my wallet. i can’t believe i went outside alone and tried to buy something without money in my wallet. good thing an atm was just a few steps away.

…

i heard that real emotional pain lasts a maximum of 12 minutes; anything more than 12 minutes is self-inflicted. if that’s the case, then i’ve been hurting myself over and over again these past few days and i refuse to accept that that is true. maybe i’m just experiencing the same emotion over and over again?

but maybe it is true. ergo, i should stop wallowing. but i can’t!!! it’s just so sad here.

…

oh, and chatted with my felicity again, enjoyed it very much hope we’ll not tire of talking to each other everyday and not to mention its our 26th month today. now, I’m feeling happy. Very happy with him.

Take me away to a perpetually beautiful day

2009-02-16T02:21:00.001Z

Today its raining. And in all probability should make me feel like I usually do…my moods come with the weather. When it is sunny, so am I. I am happy and warm and kind. When its cold and rainy, I feel just the same. Unhappy, miserable, lonely. But today, for once…the weather hasnt affected my mood. I feel happy. I dont even think I am sure as to why I feel this way, I just know that I do and I’ll take that. I need to feel happy and carefree. Its nice to let go of worries, even for 30 days. I like sitting here and watching the rain fall down, smelling the wet pavement, and feeling the brisk breeze. I like the tiny sound of the raindrops falling on the roof. I just like the atmosphere. Its calm and tranquil and peaceful.

I feel content. I feel calm. I feel HOME. I wish I’ll be staying here till rainy season, to have this feeling more often. I need sunshine to survive, most of the time. This rain and sporadically strange weather rarely makes me feel like this; its the sunshine. The beauty of blue skies and a warm breeze…its calms me and makes me feel free. God, do I need that.

To Love

2008-08-14T12:02:00.003Z

To love another person means to feel compassionate towards them,
to "feel" what they feel.
Caring about someone, and what happens to them is also a sign of love.
Sharing a relationship with someone means that you have to be responsible and have to be aware that there will be times when things go wrong.
Loving someone means taking these "wrong" things and trying to fix them.
What are some signs of love? Making sacrifices is one sign of devotion to another person.
When you care about someone, you have to give a little.
It all comes with life. In order to receive something, one must sacrifice other things.

Sarcasm at its finest

2008-06-04T11:55:00.003Z

Dear Baskins,

Thank you so much for this afternoon delight treat.

I really had a wonderful 10- minutes with you.

It was such as heavy mood this morning but you are there to make me feel better. Thanks for the one-stop-buy crib you have in Al-AIn Center. Easy for me to reach you when I'm in trouble. I know I will taste you again in the next couple of days. Being wrapped in hot crepe of Nuclear bomb is not that easy. I need to cool down. as in COOL.. much COOLLLEERR. or else i will explode.

A nice cold red horse beer and a sit in the corner sounds quite tempting. anyone who can take a treat?

UP next...

Excruciating jump of emotion

2008-05-20T10:21:00.004Z

I'm really really pissed off!
naaaasarrr ako sobra na
tama nang pahirap.

How could they say that they are undisputably tired of their work?
where in they're doing nothing?

All they're painstakingly doing is to wait for the salary time to come and have some cheers of good mood then back to world-remorsing emotion after weeks before salary?

All they wanted is that PEOPLE should ADJUST on their moodswing/ temperament/ nature/ disposition or whatever-you-want-to-call-it-nakakainis-na.

Eto pa, if they are happy they can do whatever job you want them to do, but see, once they woke up in the wrong side of the bed, you should hide on your mother's pajamas because they will be so furious as tornado if you will give them some WORK as IN JOB to do.

Why is it called work if it they will not do it.
Where is the heart?
I dont know.

In HR you have to have not only your abilities but you have to have your heart doing your job.

If you feel that you dont have THE HEART to do it anymore?
why stay? SO that people will not give you wrong impressions, people will not throw their middle fingers on you because everyone is getting affected in your DETRIMENTAL attitude. It sucks big time you know that?

I know I'm might be saying this because I'm not on their shoes doing that kind of job for about 12 or 13 yrs. But we need them to cooperate. Everyone else is doing their job, everyone is trying to adjust on them. SO please be appreciative atleast.

We are trying to think of solution that might help solve the problem. and again this is another kind of adjustment for them?

hay naku ang sakit na ng ulo ko sa pagpapasensya...

2008-05-09T21:11:00.002Z

Who says that Filipinos have very bad English?

hindi kaya! mas angat talaga tayo sa iba...

Nighttime

2008-05-07T13:35:00.000Z

You know those times when you're just lying on your bed with the lights out and everything's quiet? When you can't seem to fall asleep just yet and you end up thinking about things, random things? Well it's not random for me. Every time I find my mind wandering, by some odd way, it always comes back to you. Don't ask me why or how, I wouldn't know too. It just does. I think about all sorts of things about you, too many to list down, too many to remember. But trust in me, I do.

Do want to know something? Sometimes, I play out these situations in my head like those portrayed in those cheesy noontime soaps. You know, drama. Thinking that maybe (hopefully not) it would come true in the future. And I'd imagine the pain of it all and I'd end up crying against my pillow. It's pathetic really, crying over something that's just make-believe. But I can't help it...I can't bear the thought of losing you, even if it's all in my head.

Nighttime is getting harder and harder to face...

2008-05-02T19:54:00.003Z

Things are quite okay now. I don't exactly know why these bad things are happening, but somehow, I've seen good things coming... soon. Had spoken to my mom earlier, she said that granny will understand my reason why I didn’t pay them a visit when I had chance to. My silent prayers will always be sent thru the air, and I know for sure that she’s with the lord right now watching us somehow like she use to do.

My dad is working abroad since 2nd grade, during his absence, my mom’s relatives especially the elderly were the one who looked after us. If not because of them I’m sure my mom couldn’t make it alone. Mom can’t be a mother and a father at the same time for her 3 growing ladies. But there they are. Grandparents were there to look after us. They were the one who brought us up. They are very close to my heart, as in very close. That is why I felt like I was crucified and shot thru the heart when i heard that we are One root lesser.

I had a dream last night that somehow made me realize that everything would be okay. That everything would turn out the way I see them, one way or another. My life will be back to old boring phase, but surely i will not forget how blessed I am to have a family like mine.

Boredom makes you daydream

2008-05-01T13:55:00.001Z

When I got home from work today, I didn't know what else to do so I ended up reading the write-ups/testimonials my college friends gave me from the years passed. Those were the cheesy information and err, whatever you call it. It hasn't been long since I read the stuff inside my testimonials but when I read it again today It felt like ages ago when I last hanged out with the classmates/ barkadas I had for four years. In almost every write-up, you can read about me being close with everyone and doing the ocho-ocho anytime, anywhere. LOL! we even had this group called The Hamburger Band hahaha. In there also, we were brave enough to talk about our secrets and other stuffs, we were like little kids roaming around the university. and every single day we go to our favorite hang out in CUBAO. thanks to ALBERTO's band rehearsal studio, Grabe, we were really very close to each other we didn't mind sharing things to one another and stuffs like that. Before, every day there was a huge homework central in FEU Pavillion, especially in Physics. we were mad crammers. And we were good at it. And before, I danced in the classroom all the time and they don't even mind. (I think if I dance now, they're gonna bury me alive.)

And now I realized that for the 4 years I've been in hiatus without them, I think I already forgot how much fun we had. Or at least how much I enjoyed having them around. To all my former classmates/ friends, I miss you all too much. I feel sad somehow when I see you all in friendster, making their own lives, setting their own foot ahead, without each other, forgetting our nice times together.
But I'm happy also to see how we settled and grew up from were we part ways. Each has there own lives now, I had mine now, but still hoping that one day, Ill see all of you again.

*******************************
Thanks to my pet, Don't leave me bored again. It makes me realize how depressing life could get.

2008-04-27T10:48:00.000Z

I'm fat!! as in fat not phat...
Well it's official. I am a fat cow. I've always been on the pudgy side, but I've never been fat. I saw some recent photos of me, and yeah! I am FAT. Time to pull my head out of my ass and get into shape. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am going to do it.

They say you should lose about 1lb a week. That’s fine with me. Starting on May 1st, 2008 I am going to start exercising again, and eating as right as my budget can afford.

By mid year I should be less.

Granted I can't join a gym so I have to do it the old fasioned way. I'll start getting up at 6am, and exercising for an hour, take a shower and get to work on time.

I'm going to research the best ways to exercise with out paying for a gym, and figure out my own menu of food, and work from there.

Why 1st May you say. I can get a good pair of running shoes.

On May 1st you'll see an entry for my current weight, and my meal plan for the week, and then once a week I will post my progress and how well I stuck with my menu.

ARRG I am not looking forward to this, but I cannot be a fat cow anymore.

Damn I hate pictures.

God I hate pictures.

Best things in life are FREE

2008-04-06T18:30:00.005Z

1. Thanks for offering to help. :D I want to take care of it myself, and I'll have the money. Baby You're great.

2. I had a 2 day off!!! We went to Jumeirah beach park last weekend and it was so nice to get away for awhile, even if its just for a few hours.

3. I am almost caught up with my officework the whole week. I have a big assignment due on Sunday and another big assignment due on Wednesday and I haven't even read the damn books for my distant learning its supposed to be about. haha. Oh well. I know I'll get it done, since I don't have to go to work during the weekends. Weee!

4. I'm so excited to have 2 days off. I wanna go to somewhere else, away from Dubai. I have some plans middle of this year but i wont tell anybody yet. Thought of it palang, naeexcite na ako. shet.

5. Im starting to love my job. Ayokong isipin na dahil hindi na ako expose sa Early childhood chenes hindi ko na siya gusto. or maybe bounded lang ako sa current job ko kaya yung Im just too busy to think about it. anyway im very much thankful of what I have. thank you lord

6. and most of all, back to each others arms. I just realized that being with you is my happiness. sorry for being such an ass. I have gain weight and my appetite has come back already. lagi kasing walang gana when you'renot there. iloveyou pala. hahaha adik

******************************************************************

I think one of the best thing that ever happen to me in Dubai is having to meet this good fellow roommates turned into best friends. Have spent 50 percent most of my stay in UAE are well spent with them.

Iloveyou guys! I may not be as vocal as I can be but see... Im very proud of all of you. Pameelengs!

Effects of Anorexia

2008-03-28T10:44:00.001Z

effects of anorexia
A year ago, i would have described myself as a positive, enthusiastic person who could cope with just about anything. but there I was sitting in a taxi, crying uncontrollably because the driver didnt understand where i wanted to go. its been a stressful office week i told myself. its a one -off! but a couple of days later i found myself having a tantrum in Spinneys- virtually throwing things because the line were taking so long.

I burst out, eyes brimming with tears. not just a one -off then.

and certainly not a normal reaction to a five minute delay. those tears became a regular part of that week, in the morning at work. and then panic attacks started. imagine waking up and remembering you have the most important exam of your life that day. cramming. there are some days I had to leave the office and go for a walk around the block because i felt i couldn't breathe and if i dont walk im ready to get off anyone's head. just feeling my face on heat everytime someone mess with me.

food doesn't seem to be palatable for me no matter how colorful or good it smells. i didnt feel the hunger at all.

Ironically, my life is close to perfection as it had never been. family problems manageable, i'd got my dram job, i was with the man i wanted to be with forever and living and working overseas which i'd always loved doing. it didn't make sense. and everyone around me seemed to be having such a fantastic time. what was wrong with me?

i'm a psychology graduate and no need to scan my DSM IV just to know why am i going through these. i know there is problem but too denial to accept it?

recently im confused/ i dont know, i just feel left out. i feel that i'm begging for attention that no one seems to notice. i feel sorry for myself. i pity myself because i know i dont deserve it to be. i should not be crying over him.

they told me i'm getting heavier this time.

insult huh. thinking im not eating anything.

i feel so low. this is not just another melancholia.

this is chronic. and no one can help me but myself only.

paula gamitin mo nga pagka psych grad mo!

adik. hay

first day

2008-03-10T08:20:00.002Z

Napakalungkot ko ngayong araw na ito.
Ayaw ko lang sigurong aminin.
Pagising ko palang sa umaga, parang may kulang na.
Hindi lang tulog...
dahil alam ko sa sarili may kulang talaga.

Tinignan ko yung celfone ko walang miscol, walang text.
Received call- 10 March 2008, 03:53:05 am

yan na ang huling pag uusap namin mula ngayon.
kailangan kong maghintay ng isang buwan para lang magkaroon ako ng tawag mula sa kanya.

matagal tagal rin yun.
mukhang sa mga susunod na umaga, ganito pa rin ang mararamdaman ko.

ang hirap.

2008-02-21T09:22:00.003Z

Vague...
vague...
vague...

Life's so vague don't you think? You'll never know what's stored for you tomorrow when you failed to experience what tomorrow is...got me?

Now, i was given the time to reflect again.

What are the things I've been missing that loses my drive to continue stayin?

Why can't I be nice?

2007-12-06T12:01:00.000Z

It's a funny question. I know. But it's something I have been secretly thinking of lately. It's like I'm always bitter and mad. I don't really know why... Actually I do. I just don't want to admit it. It's sad because it's making me gain more frienemies.

This is the shit. I feel so empty and I don't know why. I guess this is just one of those days. I feel so pressured by work and it is so not helping me control the things I want to. I have tons to do and I can't do anything right. I can't even finish my computer homework, which is supposed to be as easy as pie.

or maybe because vacation is coming and I would like to go and run off this country and not come back anymore.

Yes, im definetly serious. hahaha. seriously joking I mean.

2007-11-21T08:38:00.000Z

Pnioy Big Brother 3 Audition
16 November 2007

Ang lupit, biro niyo, matatawag na kaming Jologs ni Cleng dahil nagpunta kami sa Audition ng PBB at PDA nung Friday. Late na nga kaming dumating pero inentertain pa rin kami. Hindi naman talaga sineryoso ni Cleng yun, gusto lang din niya maexperience kung paano makipag sapalaran sa pagkuha ng natatanging bituin ng showbiz. malay nga natin, palarin siya maging Say Alonzo or Wendy isang araw.

Pero hindi pa yata talaga niya oras para sa 2 months FAME at hindi siya napasama sa mga OFW na mukha ng PBB. hindi pumasa kay Direk at kay Miggy kaya, wala nalang kaming nagawa kung hindi kumuha ng remembrance at para may maipost sa friendster.

ayos.
jologs pero it was a nice experience for both of us.

cute si direk.

2007-11-10T12:31:00.000Z

I Love you enough to fight for you
compromise for you and sacrifice myself for you if needed to be

Enough to miss you, incredibly when we're apart, no matter what length of time its for you and regardless of the distance.

Enough to believe in our relationship to stand by it through the worst times, to have faith in our strength as a couple and never give up on us.

Enough to spend the rest of my life with you, be there for you when you need or want me and never ever want to leave you or live without you.

ILOVEYOU this much.

my horoscope for th day

2007-10-03T18:27:00.000Z

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)[?]

Bottom Line
The many misunderstandings going on in your life are ending soon. Clarity is coming.

In Detail
Things that are way beyond your control might be bumming you out especially hard today, but try not to get discouraged. There is always hope. Take a brighter, more peaceful approach and talk things out with the people around you who feel the same way you do. Together, you can all change to a happier topic and turn even the sourest lemons into delicious, sunshiney lemonade. There's an inspiring force deep inside of you, and it can only be revealed through trial.

korek!

2007-10-03T17:51:00.000Z

Whole week was a bit of a busy one for me. besides doing whole crap of HR work. Organizing an Iftar party is very hard. especially for an expat like me who doesn't know other nationality's food. We have last night's Consumer Sales Iftar party at Dhow Palace Hotel in Bur Dubai. twas a nice place and good food also. 180 pax, mostly bulugans at as gutoms as buwaya. by the way, IFTAR is a traditional celebration dinner during Ramadan.Its breaking the fast together either with families or parties. I'm very honored that i was invited also though i'm not a muslim and looking forward to it all week. Me, Micheline and Adersh just got there 20 minutes early. Since the fast couldn't be broken until sunset we waited patiently until all of them arrived on the venue. Most of them are mobile salesman whose always in the market. No food, no water from sunrise til sunset. The "no food" I think I could handle, but it's the "no water" part that would make me insane. If you could only see those men, reddy eyes, dry lips and skin, But all these Muslim adults appeared just as cool calm and collected as can be. Our hosts were gracious enough to offer non-Muslims juices and water, but I just felt bad about drinking in front of them and declined. 7 minutes had past of 6:00pm I saw a couple of men carrying huge trays of food and walking towards the direction of the party pavilion. Then it was, it started already. I saw a lot of refreshed smiles on faces. A few minutes later the food was ready. It was all amazingly delicious; fresh tossed salad with a mint vinagrette dressing, baba ganoush, kibbeh,yogurt and chicken with bulghar wheat. All of it was very tasty & filling. Then there was dessert, besides freshly picked fruits, there were indian and arabic sweets, like different kinds of halwa and knafeh is dough pasty cooked over a white cheese filling and topped with pastashios, and it's all covered in a very light syrup. Lots of YUM YUM that night. With full tummys it was time for a little walk in BURJUMAN, a mall near at the building where im staying. window shopping ulit and overall, I'd have to say it was a most enjoyable evening. buchog.

a moment like this

2007-09-23T15:00:00.000Z

Truly I have waited for a moment like this. The moment when you have finally seen that everything fits. And that all of the things you have yearned and hoped for has finally came true. I never thought that it could be truly possible, never thought it would happen. Love caught me by surprise and indeed I could testify that good things come to those who know how to wait.

For three years I have been asking God for someone to love. And impatiently I grew and had it my way. The past so- called relationship I had left broken and he left me broken. I got tired and had lost hope in love. Funny because out of the confusion that is going on in my life ... there is only one recurring vision .. and I never thought that the face I see was the person who I would be spending most my time here now ...

I thank God for giving you to me, I thank Him allowing me to see, and I thank Him even more for giving me hope to wait for something great ... for now I have someone to love & someone to share with.

2007-09-02T16:57:00.000Z

I've had so many people tell me in this life time that they never really understood the kind of person I am. I'm as open as a book, and as closed as a closet. I'm there, yet, I'm not. You can't ignore me, but you sense the lack of my existance.

People can trust me with their deepest secrets and troubles, yet at the same time, they're hesitant to approach me. My silence has always been considered a weakness in times when individuals feel that I need to speak up and defend myself. What yet seems to surprise me is the fact that, even after 23 years of living this fancinating life, haven't people really known the kind of person I am?

I'm called and chattered upto whenever I'm needed. And there are times, where I feel like I've been existing in a world that's really not my own. The people around me aren't my own. I love yet at the same time, hate them as well. The reason for both these emotions is a mystery to me as well. Till this date, I've still not been able to figure it out.

What exactly do I want from life? What is it that people want from me? I want to be around the people I love and care about, but something in me always keeps saying that their feelings for me aren't real. I'm not pitying myself, but why is there this want of mine to get away from everyone I know? Why do I feel that I need to be alone and live life on my own conditions and terms? Its not like i'm restricted in a lot of ways at the moment.

Why is it that I like sunsets? The drowing of powerful body such as a sun, always makes me feel as though thats a reinterpretation of my relationships with the people around me. They die and live as each day passes by. They're beautiful, but somehow always manage to create a sadness around them.

As big as a mystery people may consider me to be...there's something that even I've never been able to understand myself. That one thing is....me.

going home...

2007-08-09T11:46:00.000Z

mula nung nagbakasyon at nangaling mulas a bakasyon yung mga housemates ko dito sa Dubai,
madalas malungkot na ako. Hindi ko alam at sumisirko na naman ang mood ko. madalas, wala na naman ako sa sarili at naluluha na naman ako ng walang dahilan.

siguro dahil, naaeexcite na talaga akong umuwi. tae, 5 buwan pa, ang tagal pa nun. parang napaka habang pag hihintay at naiiinip na naman ako. gusto kong pabilisin ang bawat oras at araw na pinag stay ko dito sa opis.

excite na akong ikwento sa lahat ang mga experience ko dito. maganda man o panget. lahat yun, gusto ko ng ishare sa mama ko, sa kapatid ko pati sa mga kaibigan ko.

ang nakakatakot lang,.
alam ko, tulad ko, marami ng nagbago.
ako nga nagbago, pano pa sila?
kilala pa ba nila ako?
ganun pa rin ba silang makitungo sakin?

pag mag isa ako ngayon
pag di makatulog.
marami na akong naiisip gawin.
marami ng pinaghahandaan.
marami na akong binibili; at marami na akong gustong bilhin
marami na ako plano.

planong tulad ng, kung sino ang mga una kong tatawagan.
tas ipapaluto ko sa mama ko yung ginataang langka at masarap na daing na kalaso.
papagawa ako ng kalamay sa lola ko.
papabili ako ng mangga at saging na senyorita.
gusto kong kumain ng kahit anong value meal ng Jollibee na may chicken joy at sfageti, o kaya pizza ng yellowcab, red tea ng tokyo tokyo or onion ring ng chef d'angelos.

heaven!
being HOME IS HEAVEN.

2007-06-19T15:32:00.000Z

im sweating like a pig.
and im surrounded by a lot of pigs.

piggy shit.

2007-05-18T11:33:00.000Z

SA buong linggo, Friday lang ang heaven day para sakin dahil makakapag internet rin ako na ipinagkakait samin sa office.

friday rin ang loaded day para mga comp shop dito sa Dubai. Mostly pinoy ang laman ng mga ito. tulad ngayon. parang palenke ang kinalalagyan ko. Imbes na mag emote ako sa sarili kong problema, mukha atang inihahain ko pa ang mga tenga ko s amga problema ng mga kapwa ko pinoy sa loob ng comp shop na ito.

biro mo, itong katabi ko ang problema nilang mag asawa eh yung bubong ng bahay ng magulang nila.

itong isa ko pang katabi. Mukhang ka-chat niya ang asawa niya sa Pinas habang katabi naman niya yung asawa niya rito sa Dubai. Komplikado ito.

samantalang ako, problema pa rin ang pera. hahaha...

Sobrang init na ulit dito ngayon. sa tantsa ko, 43 Degrees na ulit tulad nung isang araw. nakakasunog sa balat. tumatagos sa damit. ang itim ko na naman. kailangan ko ulit bumili ng katakot takot na sunblock para naman pag uwi ko sa pinas sa JANUARY, hindi nila sasabihin na nangaling lang ako sa Cebu or sa Davao sa kaitiman ko.

Speaking of PAG-UWI. lapit na yun. 2 months nalang at ma-coconfirm na ako (hopefully). tas 6 months nalang pwede na ako umuwi. (ang mahirap lang dun, til now wala pa rin akong ipon)

pero sige try kong umpisahan na yan.

makikita ko na rin kayo?

pasalubong? hmm. pag iisipan ko yan.

ciao!

2007-02-20T08:19:00.000Z

I was hurt as much as I was happy as much as I loved. And I dont need the rivermaya pin, cd and others stuffs back. It will just remind me of so much pain that was/is you. Something you dont understand and will never do. Throw it away. I dont want it. I want you out, totally.

I used to remember my own dying moment, I thought of my friend, kaaway and you the whole picture of you. I still love you and I hate it. I want to say it out loud for the last time because you cant. Because you DONT. I love you and Ill say it because I can. Because as much as I try (God knows how hard) you still haunt me. You still make me cry and im crying now. Again. Im pretty sure you didnt cry for me.

My bilins still stand. I know how little of worth I am/was to you. Maybe I hate you because I still love you. And thats my problem. Have a good life. Hanggat may thursday maaalala kita. Hanggat nakakakain ako ng monggo at donut, hanggat may nueva ecija, hanggat siguro nabubuhay ako maaalala kita. GANON KITA MINAHAL. Sana di ka magtaka kung bakit ganito ako nasasaktan at nagalit. It only equates to how much I loved you, and how much you NEVER loved me. Pathetic no? I dunno neil, I refuse to cry anymore but you still make me. I get fresh wounds everytime I hear about you, add that to the healing and healed wounds that get sore too, everytime I remember you. Ganon pa rin kasakit. Baka ganon pa rin ako nagmamahal. Di ako nahihiyang aminin sa yo yun dahil alam kong walang saysay ang pagmamahal ko sa yo. At di rin ako nahihiya dahil yun ang totoo.

I wish you were even half as brave as I am. I hope this wont happen to you or her, ever. I am sorry I annoys you. I am sorry I love you. I am so sorry for feeling too much. I am so sorry. Goodbye. Goodbye. I miss you. -->

2007-02-02T12:22:00.000Z

so the fever is not yet over. you can hear emiratis screaming to the fullest and making theirselves noticed on the streets. The football spirit is present in everyone as people carried UAE flags, decorated their cars and even painted their faces and clothes green, white, red and black.

****
anyway, For two days straight, im very unlucky to be caught in 3 hours traffic in Dubai because of this exhilaration but fortunate enough to come home with my arms, feet and my whole body parts together. Traveling in the city is not very easy especially when you come across those rude emirati drivers. SIGA at feeling sa kanila ang kalsada. as if you're in a roller coaster. I always say "parang nasa isang hukay ang paa ko pag bumabiyahe ako." =D

2007-01-29T16:12:00.000Z

finally, matatawag ko na ang sarili kong MAY TRABAHO.

after 6 months na paghihintay nakuha ko na yung gusto kong trabaho. ganun pala talaga dapat. kailangang maghintay, kailangang mainip paminsan minsan, kailangan magtiyaga, kailangan malaman ko muna kung paano magpasensya para makuha ko yung gusto ko. hindi ko pinlano lahat pero dumating nalang yung pagkakataon sa tamang oras. oo tama. yung ang term dun, TAMANG oras. worth it ang paghihintay ko kahit pa iba na ang visa ko. EMPLOYMENT visa pero mas alam ko ngayong may kasiguraduhan na yung dinadaaanan ko.

maraming nagsasabing suwerte daw ako kasi nasa malaking company ako ngayon ng UAE nagwowork, pero lagi kong sinasabing, ngayong lang dumating yung time ko. wala ngang maniwala sa mga dinaanan ko, physically, mentally, socially, morally, lahat nang may LY sa dulo. at syempre EMOTIONALLY. nakakatorture ang unang mga buwan ko dito. alam niyo yung parang pumapadyak ka na sa sobrang inis mo at wala kang magawa sa pagkakataon na yun. ganun yung feeling ko lagi dati. suicide.

pero ngayon, mas magaan na, 60% ang inilutang ko sa hangin.

mas nakakatawa na ako ng maluwag, mas marami pa akong natututunan sa bagong ENVIRONMENT ko. alam ko, maraming nagdasal sa akin at naniwalang makakaahon rin ako sa lusak =? pero, nakalubog pa ang mga paa ko, alam kong tuluyan na rin akong makakaahon. kelangan lang talagang magHINTAY.

salamat. =D

2007-01-13T11:28:00.000Z

actually, hindi kami nasanay na marami ang tao sa bahay, kahit nung sa pinas. i only lived with my mom, si ate at si khala. si daddy kung minsan pag dumadating sa abroad. pero 1month lang siya nag iistay so parang sanay kami wala yung existence ng lalaki sa bahay. minsan yung mga pinsan ko galing nueva ecija, pero bisita sila eh at kamag anak/ kilala at hindi sila ganun nagtatagal sa bahay. so i really dont have any idea to live with STRANGERS simula nung dumating ako dito.

malaking adjustment. unang una. noon kasi, pag may bisita sa bahay, anti-social ako, magpapakita lang ako sa bisita tapos magtatago na ako sa kwarto namin, kahit pa relatives namin yan. wala talaga akong lakas ng loob mag entertain ng bisita. tas, ayoko ng matanong. lalo na sa personal na bagay, tanong kung san nabili ang ganito ganyan na display sa bahay, sino nagluto and this and that. in short hindi talaga ako sanay na may tao sa bahay namin. feeling ko ang sikip ng pakiramdam ko.

pagdating ko rito, iba. ang dami namin dito sa bahay. no choice eh, kailangan mag pa boarder at mag-pa bedspace para makatulong sa bayad sa malaking renta sa bahay na buwan buwan itinataas ng government ng UAE.

minsan di lang talaga maalis sakin ang mabuwisit sa mga halimaw na kasama namin sa flat na ito. iba iba pala talaga ang tao. may asal hayop, ugaling tiga bundok, may nocturnal, may baboy at iba pa.

eto ang sa palagay kong mga DISADVANTAGES ng may IBANG TAONG KASAMA sa bahay:

* kalinisan- kung ako kasama mo ako sa bahay, (o kahit yung mga kapatid ko) maselan kami sa BANYO. araw araw nililinis dapat, lalo na pagkatapos gamitin. kasi pag hindi nagreretain ang amoy at yung clutter sa tiles. pag di mo nilinis at pinatagal mo, hindi na matatanggal yun kahit anong gawin mong buhos ng disinfectant dyan. kahit inaantok ako at pagod na pagod, talagang lilinisin ko yun. ang kaso, dito, araw araw kong nililinis pero parang umaabuso ang mga tao, feeling nila kasi MAY MAGLILINIS kaya di na nila nililinis kahit pagkatapos nilang gamitin. ang nakakaasar. iniiAASA na nila samin ni ate yung maintenance ng CR. minsan sobrang asar ko hindi ko nga nilinis ng ilang araw, kahit msaakit sa loob ko. pero di ko rin natiis kasi hindi ko kayang gamitin ng ganun ang hitsura. masama mang pakinggan, OC ata ako. pramis, hindi ako Nata-ta*, pag madumi ang CR. ako rin ang naapektuhan kaya no choice ako kung hindi linisin. pinag sabihan na nila ate yung mga tao na yun, pero after ilang araw ulit, balik na sila ulit sa dati pati ang constipation ko. sa umaga sympre lilinisin ko yun, since the whole day wala kami ni ate rito at gabi na kami uuwi. naku, dadatnan ko nalang na ganun kasama ang hitsura ng banyo. pagod na nga ako tapos ang sama sa feeling na hindi ako matata* sa gabi. errr. masama pa nito. akala ni daddy hindi kami naglilinis ng bahay. shoot!

*privacy- kelangan ko nito. pag may kasama ka sa kwarto (kahit pa babae). di maiiwasan talaga yung hindi ka nila madidinig pag may kausap kang tao sa fone, or pag mabibihis ka, pag may mga personal na GAMIT, pag sarili kang pagkain. willing ko naman ishare yung iba, kaya lang minsan kahit ilimit mo yung BOUNDARIES, may mga pilit paring nakiki sabit sa buhay ko. may lumalagpas parin kahit anong gawin. nagiging OPEN kasi ang isat isa eh. kaya minsan feeling nila super close na kayo at pwde na silang mang himasok sa buhay ng may buhay. hindi ko rin naman tinuturing silang IBA sakin. parang sila na rin naman ang 2nd family ko rito. pero i think everyone should know their perimeter. parang ikaw sa kaibigan mo. alam mo dapat kung hanggang saan kalang pwede diba?

*katahimikan- naiinitindihan kong may mga time talagang minsan di ka makatulog at gusto mo nalang makipagkwentuhan til the next millenium. gusto ko naman din yun. pero wag naman lagi lagi na sinasanay niyo na ang sarili niyong gawing pampatulog sa gabi ang kwentuhang wala ring sensei minsan. may mga taong gustong MATULOG NG MAAGA, may gustong magpahinga, mahiga at magtulog-tuluggan at mag daydream, meron ring gusto ng mahabang tulog, yung tuloy tuloy at walang gigising.

*ang sakin sakin- hindi ako madamot, nagpapahiram naman ako, pero bakit simpleng "pahiram nito ah? at salamat" hindi pa masabi? sila na nanghiram, sila pa galit. masamang angkinin rin ang hindi sayo diba? masama rin magbasa ng diary ng may diary. kahit pa wala akong secrets dun. sakin pa rin yun diba?

this home is never been sweet home for me. totoo.

2006-12-28T09:31:00.000Z

MOST PLAYED SONG OVER MY HEAD and i can truly feel every single words of it. im gonna cry any moment from now again errr...

HOME- michael buble

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

HOY GROUPIE/POSER/ PRETENDER or WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL YOURSELF!!!

2006-12-15T04:58:00.000Z

i dont know you and you DONT KNOW me kaya please stop bugging me?

i dont care kung napanuod mo na lahat ng GIGS NG MGA USO at nag UUSO USOHANG banda ngayon. wala rin akong paki-alam kung MEMBER KA NG LAHAT ng mailing list ng BANDA sa pilipinas.

sorry ka hindi ako katulad mong kailangan pang ipagsigawan sa mundong nakapag papicture ka sa feeling mo papatulan kang ROCKSTAR. IM A FAN not BECAUSE OF FAME or THEIR FACE. FAN ako kahit sa isang bandang tumutug-tog lang sa kanto namin at di kilala. FAN AKO DAHIL SA MUSIC AT HINDI SA KAHIT ANO PA MAN. kung mukha lang ang hinahanap ko eh di sana hahanap nalang ako ng ARTISTANG MARUNONG KUMANTA o TUMUGTOG NG GITARA. F-A-N ako kasi ginagamit ko ang TENGA ko sa pakikinig ng MUSIC. hindi ako umiidolo dahil gwafo ang isang banda at gusto ko lang kulektahin lahat ng poster nila. hindi ako tulad niyo. na nagpupunta sa gig para pumorma at MAG PACUTE at KUMUHA NG CHISMIS.

fan ako mula ng nag umpisa ang ISANG BANDA hindi DAHIL MAY CURRENT SINGLE SILANG PUMAPATOK sa PANDARAYA SA MYX o KAHIT ANONG HIT CHART DYAN.

kahit hindi ako oras oras nagpupunta sa gig, sumusuporta pa rin ako kahit nasa malayo ako o hindi ko sila nakikita. BIBILI PA RIN AKO NG ALBUM KAHIT HINDI AKO MAGPAPICTURE.

baka di mo pa kayang idefine ang GROUPIE ha?

kawawa ka naman.

2006-12-14T06:54:00.000Z

went out with my super friends CLENG and HOLIDAY last night. punta kami ST. MARY's Catholic Church, attend ng mass para sa death anniversary ng papa ni cleng. medyo late na natapos around 9:00pm kaya we had to hurry up our long over-dued kwentuhan. from the church mga 500meters away yung bus stop eh since winter at sobrang lamig ng hangin, kinarir namin ang paglalakad sa sidewalk na para kaming nasa korea tele-novela na pinagigitnaan ng mga puno ang daan. ang lamig pero ang init ng mga mukha namin kakatawa. si cleng nag momodel modelan si dyann naman kunyari nag iinarte. at ako tiga masid sa paligid dahil lahat ng dumadaang sasakyan bumubusina sa amin. nadistract ata sa mga ginagawa naming kalokohan. tapos ilang meters lang yung isang batch ng mga police na nagbabantay sa bahay ng shiekh. tawa kami ng tawa kasi kahit umaambon na at mamatay na kami sa lamig pero sige pa rin ang picturan naming tatlo. ako si aleng photographer, konsintidor. kahit ang dilim dilim sa lugar na yun at hindi nakayanan ng flash ng cam shot pa rin ng shot.

at dahil kay HOLIDAY DYANN TEODORO ang digicam, asa pa kami ni cleng na sisipagin mag upload o mag send sa email yun.tamad pa rin!

it took us 45 minutes para makaabot sa bus stop na yun. pero ung dalawa natigilan sa kakatawa nung nakita na yung oras sa bus. 9:55 na eh 10:30 yung last trip. traffic papunta sa bus station kaya gudlak samin kung umabot kami sa oras. nag alala sila sa sarili nila hindi para sakin. hahaha. "eh di ba ako dapat ako dahil ako ang pinaka malayong bahay?"

pag dating namin dun 1020 na ata basta kumain muna kami ng shawarmang walang lasa na dahil sa pagmamadali. ang haba ng pila eh, pero okey lang kasi ladies first naman dito. hindi naman ganun karamihan ang nakapilang babae kaya mauuuna pa rin ako. kung nakita niyo siguro kami kung pano kami naghiwahiwalay matatawa kayo kasi ako sa kaliwa papuntang AJMAN, si dyann sa kanan papuntang JUMEIRAH at si cleng sa gitna papuntang BUR DUBAI. hirap na hirap na yung mata namin sa antok pero alam ko masaya kami at nagkita-kita kami ulit.

hay,bukasgisingulitngalas-4puntangofficekainuwiulittulogna.

thursday naman eh. last day of work!!!
yahoo!

2006-12-13T05:53:00.000Z

RAKRAKAN SA DUBAI: BAMBOO and PAROKYA NI EDGAR live last December 8, 2006.

Ang layo nung venue nasa industrial area na ng Dubai so medyo liblib na place. Malaki yung venue sobra, 8000 tickets sold out! yung kasama nga ni super friend cleng eh buti nakabili pa ng ticket sa isang pinoy na may sobrang ticket. october palang kasi may ticket selling na for 40 dirhams or 520 pesos. pero kami ni cleng 3 weeks before nung concert nakabili, pero 50 dhms na. sayang yung 10 pero sige na nga, no choice eh.

dumating kami dun sa venue ng 630, hinatid kami nung landlord ni cleng na nag-cacar lift. bale apat kami. ako si cleng, si noel-anak nung LL niya at si anne yung boardmate niya. mahaba na yung pili tapos feeling ko nasa pinas ako kasi halos lahat ng nanuod ka age-range namin ni cleng. kaya lang parang nasa sosyal na school fair kasi yung mga batang yun eh yung mga dito na lumaki at nag aaral so mga CONYOTIC ang mga dating, they're speaking english pa and making pa cute and super porma with their winter attire. so ayun nga, tipong nagpunta lang dun para masabihan na NANUOD SILA NG concert ng HOTTEST BAND ng pinas.

pero meron rin namang ibang parang makikipag rakrakan talaga. outfit kung outfit huh. kami naman ni cleng, parang nasusuka sa mga nakikita at naririnig namin kasi parang yung mga batang yun eh hindi ata alam ang pinuntahan.

tinawagan ko na si ate jovy, nasa unahan na daw sila ng gate, malapit ng makapasok. sabi ko sige try kong magkita kami mamaya sa field. tumawag si carlo, sabi ko nakapili na kami, sila namang ng mga friends niya di pa rin makasakay sa FREE SHUTTLE SERVICE ng TFC. mahaba daw ang pila at nagiintay pa sila. si wan naman tinatawagan ko sarado ang fone.

pila nga. BAWAL ANG PABANGO, PAGKAIN at below 13 yrs old na walang accompany na alalay. hay, buti nalang si noel umabot pa, kaka 14 lang nung isang araw tapos wala pang dalang kopya ng visa.

pagpasok, iniwan ko pa pabango ko, (pero nakuha ko rin after nung gig)tapos yung mga binili namin ni cleng na pagkain, nawala ng isang iglap, di na pwedeng makuha. hindi naman kami pwede lumabas ulit at umalis sa pila. ang haba kaya nun at ang tagal naming nakapila para lang kainin yung mga chicha na yun. sayang talaga. pag naaalala ko. tsktsktsk.

sa bandang right side kami ng stage naka tambay. ang dami ng taong nagsisiksikan. ang init na, lahat tanggalan na ng sweater. (buti nalang walang indiano at patan na umextrang manuod kung hindi patay tayo dyan!) tawag ako ulit kay ate jovy, nasa left side daw sila pinapapunta ako dun dahil andun daw sila bambs, nakikita na daw niya. naku po. ang laki ng field na yun para umikot ako sa kabila. so madaling salita, hindi ako nakapunta dun para makipag kita sa kanya. si carlo dumating na rin pero nasa gitna daw sila. nung medyo nagstart na yung set nila bamboo, nagstart na rin kami ni cleng manulak at sumngit. ayun medyo umabot na kami sa gitna pero hanggang dun nalang talaga, di na kaya ng powers namin. pwede na rin. ewan ko kung asan siya dun sa mga taong nandun. di na niya ako ulit nakontak kasi nawalan ng signal dun sa pwesto namin.

eto set list ng bamboo: (hindi in-order)
much has been said, kung ayaw mo wag mo, elesi, these days, awit ng kabataan, masaya, hallelujah, FU, Mr. clay at syempre ang feel na feel ko ng mga oras na yun, NOYPI.

nung sa parokya naman ang kulit ni chito, puro salita at patawa, ginawang stand up comedy yun set nila. kwento ng kwento tapos pa request naman ng pa request kakantahin daw nila hanggang mamatay kami sa ginaw. every other song nagpapatawa. actually halos naubos oras nila sa kakapatawa. which was good naman pero parang nabitin ako sa mga kinanta nila.

eto set list nila: (hindi in-order)
halaga, narda, yes yes show, mr. suave, para sayo ( ni manny paqcuiao), para sayo, papa cologne, dont touch my birdie (nakakatawa kasi my action pa talaga!) chikinini, this guy is inlove with you.. meron pa silang dalawang song na di na namin natapos kasi lumabas na kami kasi yung sundo namin eh epal at maagang dumating. para daw iwas trapik. tae talaga.

masaya yung set ng PNE, medyo naghihiyawan nung chikini at dont touch may birdie, medyo kumplekado kasi at may action pa si chito na kung ano anong GREEN at baka masita sila at makulong siya ng hindi oras. sabi niya pa nga, "bahala na kung makulong ako, minsan lang naman kami mag punta sa dubai".

hahaha. alam niyo naman dito sa middle east mga conservative daw ang karamihan pero ang iba dun sa karamihan na yun eh mga walang kasing bastos rin tulad ni chito.

some pictures taken from my fuckin' camera, ill post soon... =D

2006-12-06T09:33:00.000Z

"LOST LOVE IS STILL LOVE" mitch albom

kahapon pag gising ko ikaw yun naalala ko agad kasi napanaginipan kita at ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagising ng maaga. sa panaginip ko maayos na naman tayo, parang walang nangyari, parang wala na naman sayo lahat. sabagay, pinilit ko ng kalimutan lahat ng naramdaman ko sayo kaya siguro akala mo okey na ako.

pag biyahe ko sa bus nakita kita ulit, naramdaman kita ulit. ikaw yun, kahit pa alam ko guni-guni ko lang yun. nakita kita sa gilid ng mga mata ko, yung facade mo hindi ako pwedeng magkamali, kasi kilalalang kilala pa rin kita. parang hindi ka nagbago, ang pinagkaiba lang, talagang HINDI totoong nakita kita. hindi totoong sumulpot ka nalang sa harapan ko. hindi pwedeng magkatotoong makikita ng mata ko yun hinabol ko ng tingin sa labas ng bintana ng bus. wala ka talaga dun.

pero...
pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon naramdaman ko ulit yun.
ilang buwan na bang hindi tayo nag uusap o nagkikita man lang.
gusto at handa na ba kitang makita ulit?
ikaw ba talaga yun?
nandito ka rin ba?
iniisip mo rin ba ako? hinahanap mo ba na ba ako?
naalala mo man lang ba ako?

ano na naman ba ito?...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v69/lifeisafairytale/635961092l.jpg

Spelling FREEDOM

2006-11-30T08:48:00.000Z

FREEDOM kapag di ako tumingin sa orasan dahil hindi ako nag aalala sa oras

FREEDOM kapag kahit traffic di ako tensyonadong makauwi sa tamang oras

FREEDOM kapag nakakarating ako sa gusto kong puntahan kahit mag isa

FREEDOM kapag ang alam ng lahat nasa dubai ako pero papunta pala akong ABU DHABI

FREEDOM kapag kahit walang perang pamasahe, may mabait na kapwa pinoy na iHIHITCH ako sa sasakyan nila ng libre

FREEDOM kapag nakasama ko buong araw yung super friend kong matagal na hindi nakita

FREEDOM kapag matagal na akong nasa bus station pero nakatitig lang sa mga bus na umaalis, nag iisip kung anong dapat sakyan pauwi o uuwi pa ba ako.

FREEDOM kapag magaan ang loob ko dahil wala ako sa bahay at feeling ko ngayon lang ako NAKAHINGA ng maayos sa buong buhay ko.

FREEDOM kapag kahit ilang oras lang naging selfish ako at wala akong pakialam sa iba.

FREEDOM kapag low batt fone ko at hindi ko inaalala kung mat tatawag sakin para icheck ako kung nasan na ako or kung nahuli ba ako ng CID dahil wala akong dalang kopya ng passport at visa ko.

FREEDOM kapag uuwi ako ng kahit anong oras ko gustuhin kahit pa napadpad ako kung san

FREEDOM kahit san at wala rin akong paki kung nawawala na pala ako o tama ba direksyon ko.

2006-11-25T11:50:00.000Z

wag kasing ma-pride!

nung isang linggo, pinasama ako ni daddy sa mga member ng CHRISTIAN LIFE PROGRAM- CFC members papuntang FUJEIRAH. mga pinoy families na nag ccamping weekly para sa community nila. para daw marami akong makilala at makarating ako sa border.

yung isang "brother" dun. si bro. caesar nakipag kwentuhan sakin. masarap siyang kausap at masarap pakinggan yung mga kwentong pamilya nila. kung paano sila bumuo ng pamilya dito sa UAE. matagal na daw sila rito simula 80's pa. wala pang matataas na building dito eh nandito na sila. isa rin sila sa mag asawa na mga pioneer ng Couples for Christ dito sa emirates.

marami na silang natulungang mga pinoy makahanap ng trabaho. marami na rin silang pinoy na tinulungan magbalik loob sa taas.

at hanggang ngayon, lumipas na ang ilang araw, iniisip ko pa rin yung mga sinabi niya, pati yung mga nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw. weird ba talaga at feeling ko ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng existence?

inaamin ko, nawalan na ako ng ganang magdasal. kasi ilang beses akong nagdadasal sa isang araw. hindi ko alam kung nadidinig ba niya? o naririndi na siya sa mga dasal ko. hanggang sa nagsawa na ako kasi parang kahit anong klaseng paraan ang gawin ko palang pagdadasal, wala rin nangyayari. at paulit ulit lang ang problema ko. at tuwing taimtim akong nagdadasal may mas MALALANG problema ang dumdating. lahat ng paraan ginagawa ko at ginawa ko na pero parang wala pa rin siyang nadidinig. ang masakit dun, hindi ako nakalimot.

tapos sabi niya sa akin:
"...hindi ka na kasi nagdadasal, hindi ka na humihingi sa kanya. itry mong katukin siya ulit at pagbibigyan ka niya. WAG kang magmataas kasi tao lang tayo. sabihin mo sa kanya pag lalabas ka ng flat niyo, panubayan ka niya at ipaubaya mo lahat ng mangyayari sayo sa araw na yun sa kanya, wag ikaw ang magkontrol sa buhay mo.."

ako naman sa sarili ko parang ang corny ata at tinatanong ko sa sarili nung mga oras na yun kung anong pinagsasasabi ng taong yun at di ko naman sila kilala at bakit nandun ako sa oras na yun na dapat tulog na ako sa mainit na kama namin at hindi ako nanginginig sa lamig sa pagtulog sa tent.

tapos kinabukasan lumakad ako ulit sa dubai. habang nasa biyahe ako sinubukan ko ulit magdasal, hinamon ko siya. ang sama ko pero habang nakatingin ako sa langit sabi ko sa sarili ko, patunayan niyang nadiding niya ako. sa totoo lang kulang ang pera kong papunta ng dubai. kung iisipin ko talagang hindi ako makakauwi. tapos di ko pa alam yung saktong location ng pupuntahan kong interview. pero pagbaba ko sa bus station, may nakilala akong pinay, papunta rin sa pupuntahan ko. isinabay niya ako sa kotse niya, binigyan niya rin ako ng referral sa office niya. tapos pumasa ako dun sa interview na pinuntahan ko. (actually magstart na ako sa sunday). tapos paglabas ko sa building na yun, di ko alam kung pano pag punta sa BUR DUBAI kung san kami magkikita ng super friend kong si claren. nagtanong ulit ako dun sa mag bf na mga pinoy sa daan. luckily, may sasakyan rin sila at inihatid nila ako dun sa mall. tapos binigyan rin nila ako ng referrals. ang magaling pa dun, yun pinsan nung girl batchmate ko sa epiyu. pagdating ko dun, nilibre ako ng lunch ni CLENG at sa JOLLIBEE pa. nagwindow shopping kami at hinatid niya rin ako sa bus station. libre niya lahat. may pasalubong pa ako sa daddy ko nun.

bago ako matulog nung gabing yun, nagdasal ako, sinabi ko sa kanya kong sinusubukan lang ba niya ako at pinaeexcite. pero hindi pa rin niya ako tinigilan sa signs niya. kinabukasan may tumawag sakin. yung asawa ni BRO. Caesar. kinukuha akong reliever sa december kasi magbabakasyon daw sila sa pinas.

hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan to. hindi ko alam kung totoo ba to. pero sabi nga ni bro. C. wag akong mapride, siguro sapat na yung malaman kong meron palang nakikinig sa likod ng mga ulap na tinitingnan ko.

2006-11-07T13:48:00.000Z

Today having a difficulty to compose my thoughts. Sabog ulit tulad kahapon. Back on my daily routine. And yeah, multi-tasking mode na naman. I'm blogging, chatting, downloading, burning cd’s. Arranging invoices, packaging, answering phone calls, sending faxes and music tripping without my boss. Its 1:30pm lunch time at siesta time nya. So ill be like this until 5pm. Good luck.

I have very bad hands now. Puro hiwa ng cutter at may seismic activity pa. tae kasi ung boss ko pinaulit ulit ulit ulit yung pag package kahapon. Kaya ako nahiwa kasi while as I was packing I always found myself thinking about the surprising e-mail I received before I logged off the other night. From someone I haven't seen for 4 years. Can you imagine, 4 long years! To think I've been e-mailing him for 3 years without consent. Hay, it was good hearing from him. Kilig ito.

******************

AWAYAN boss at employee.

dito pag di ka marunong sumagot, talo ka. lalo ka nlang tatapakan. dahil nga sa hindi naman ako sanay sa ganun, so natututo na akong makipag epalan sa mga lintik na itik na yan... i mean indiano. (yan kasi ang tawag ng mga pinoy sa kanila).

galit number 1:
nung isang araw nag dictate siya sakin ng quotation para sa bagong client. eh ang tema ng last sentence, about sa CHEAP and AFFORDABLE price na offer ng company. so what do you expect sa spelling ng CHEAP? eh di C-H-E-A-P as in diba. hindi eh. kala ko kasi okey na, so i sent it right away. tapos after i sent it. kinuha niya sakin yung papel at walang ka abog abog na sinabing "you stupid? dont hear what i say?, i say chip? C-H-I-P?" whaaaaaaaaaattt? sir? you said CHEAP right? affordable right? sabi ko naman.

ang itik, galit na galit. medyo lumayo nga ako eh, ang baho ng nga niya dahil di siya naliligo, ang baho pa ng bibig niya. sus. ayun, hysterical ang mabahong itik. parang nabasa ng tubig.

galit number 2:
kahapon kahit di ko trabahong magbuhat pinagbubuhat niya ako lagi, okey lang sana eh, pero hindi naman sana kasing bigat ko na yung bubuhatin. errrr. bahala siya. sobrang asar niya sakin tinatagalog ko na yung mga reklamo ko. at naku sobrang asar niya mukha na siyang kinalderetang itik sa galit sakin.

galit number 3:
dahil ulit sa lintik na ispeling.
ewan ko ba kung ako bay talagang bingi na o mahina lang talaga ako sa pagrecognize ng diction, lalo na niyang mga itik na yan. pinagawa niya ako ulit ng quotation. sabi niya i-address daw sa pigi-yut. so ang akala kong ispeling PIGIYOT. tapos ayun nagalit ulit siya, inulit ult ko naman yung pronounciation. tapos nung tinanong ko kung anong spelling sabi na naman nya. "you're not thinking? you do not know? why u keep on repeating? and me repaeting also?". (oh yeah anong klaseng english 'to!) tapos sinabi ko nalang. "HOW WILL I KNOW HUH? YOUR TONGUE IS VERY TWISTED? HOW COME WILL I KNOW? I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR SAYING?". tapos di na siya sumagot. nung na-print ko na, mahinahon niyang sinabi yung spelling. ang gusto niya palang sabhin. PEUGEOT. yung sikat na brand pala ng sasakyan. asar talaga.

galit number 4:
kala ko kasi na-over come ko na yung kabahuan nila. hindi pa pala. iba pa rin talaga yung naaamoy mo sila saopen space at sa close room. ang baho talaga kaya minsan di ko mapigilang maduwal at magtakip ng ilong. ayun. sinita niya ako. what wrong daw? wala naman akong masabi kasi ayaw ko rin namang ma-offend sila pag sinabi ko. alam kong nasa TRADITION daw nila yun at kahit alam kong senseless yun hindi nila paliligo at pagpapalit ng damt. sinarili ko nalang. akala ko nga dati, arabo ang mabaho, hindi pala. (fyi, mas marami ang population ng itik dito kesa sa lokal/ arab nationals. bukod sa chinese, iniinvade na rin ng itik ang buong mundo!)

hay, di ko maintindihan kung bakit sila ang number 1 pagdating sa CALL CENTER business. pangalawa lang ang pinas. considering mas maaayos mag english ang pinoy. ang problema lang satin kasi eh mali mali ang pag gamit ng past present participle. pero hindi naman tayo grabe sa diction. naiintinidhan pa rin naman tayo.

etong boss ko na to di ko malaman kunganong galit meron siya sa mga pinoy at msydao niyang minamaliit tayo. feeling niya ipis ata ang pinoy sa paningin niya eh. mabuti pa daga maayos ang tingin niya eh. btw, may alaga siya sa office ng daga. as in RAT. itim na daga! malaking daga! josme. utak elepante talaga.

I'm not making sense again noh?

2006-11-04T18:01:00.000Z

Honestly, I still don't understand this "silent war" I'm having with my ate. Her tantrums really pissed off everyone in the family. Konting backtrack… few nights ago she accused me of meddling with her stuff (her cellphone, particularly) and telling me im super maarte when it comes on looking for work . and me, angry at her for meddling the way I run my life, we've been with each other's throats. We gradually get tired of it and up until now, we're still giving each other a cold shoulder.

I won't give details on this. I'm sick of replaying and being reminded of all of these each time...but I tire of this. I don't care anymore. But still, she's my sister. My dad’s having a hard time putting us together but neither of us wants to give way. Its pointless. Its senseless. Pero paulit ulit lang kasi.

Call me stupid but I won't go down and apologize for something I did not do! But what am I to do? Should I swallow the pride of being younger kasi mas nakakatanda pa rin sha? Or am I to wait? Eh what if I always do the same thing.

Frankly, I'm sick of it. I might as well wait for a long time. Each time she says something derogatory about me, I want to shout at her- I want to slap her just to let her realize that she doesn't see the real picture. What the hell does she know?!

I don't want to point out that she's overly insensitive (even that's the truth).

I'm not proud of this admission, okay? At least, there's an improvement that we're now talking civilly. Thanks to everyone in the house.

As for my parents, same old story. I haven't told them what I had planned to do. Probably, I'll just tell them when I have already felt sure. But they're already pressuring me. I can't blame them- it's already November.

But I think that I'm slowly regaining my ability to dream again. Something that I have lost this past few days I became cynical.

And I already learned my lesson that I won't listen to those who will deter me- whatever they are, whoever they might be. I have to prove them that I deserve this chance to build myself again.

Maybe someday, I'll still find realization to my dreams.

2006-11-02T18:40:00.000Z

My arms and my feet aches more than I could imagine. If you could only see, my veins are now more visible than usual. I can manage the physical pain, and I know konting kantinko tangal na to. but I don’t think may pain reliever para naman sa sakit ng loob?

You see im full of hatred right now and all the fucked up things are coming out on my head. This is too much.. laging ganito, paulit ulit

Parang scrabble na yung utak ko. Scrabble na may sound effect pa dahil sa mga bibig na paulit ulit na sermon. Umuulit na naman yng kinakatakutan kong baka in the end kailangan na na naman akong mag give way sa sarili ko para sa iba. Yun kailangan mamili. Kung sarili ba o yung iba.. been there already, ilang beses na nga kaya ganito nalang ako. I don’t know if chances actually have a diabolic mind or a twisted sense of humor.

Err..
Just venting my blues. Somehow, I wish that could elevate my depression, angst and irritation.

2006-11-01T19:52:00.000Z

"progress begins with the belief that what is necessary is possible"- norman cousin

actually hindi ko alam kung pano ko uumpisahang isigaw yung nararamdaman ko. pareho lang naman ng feeling ko nung nasa pinas ako. o mas grabe pa ba?

mahirap magtrabaho dito. all-around na nga, may disrcrimination pa. mas lalong mahirap i-swallow lahat ng pride na natitira sakin, na alam kong tanging kayamanan ko. pero kailangan ng gawin para sa mga taong priority sa buhay ko. lahat kaya ko naman gawin eh, devastated lang siguro ako this past few days at lahat naiisip ko ng gawin. my life is somewhat near the chaos, konti nalang at nasa finish line na ako.

nakukulong na naman sa dibdib ko yung mga angst ko. kaya mas nangingibabaw yung feeling na nag iisa ako lagi. bakit nga ba ganun? pag sobrang dilim na ng paligid wala akong madinig at maramdaman? i know there are a lot of people who are more than willing to lend their strength for me. sorry ha. baka di kita napapansin. i just always have difficulty expressing my feelings.

2006-10-26T16:30:00.000Z

ive been wanting to ask you ever since before i left but you made yourself completely unavailable. i called your home several times and sent you text messages, but you pretended you hadn't received any. you knew that im flooding your YM, inbox's and maybe you became irritated. then, finally, you replied the other day. you sounded so distant, that, i was afraid to ask you anything. my messages were insisting.. di mo ba pansin? you just sounded like everything was as usual. you just asked me what i wanted to know about you?

i guess, i didnt know what i want to know anymore!
all i do know, is something went teribly wrong that T-I-M-E. i only have very vague memories of what you've said. there was a sense of honesty and YES, some anticiption too.

we're been friends for a long time and i think you owe it to me to tell the truth. whats about that "HANGING STATEMENT?"

put me out of this please...

2006-10-25T10:59:00.000Z

katoliko ako. pero non-practitioner. hindi kasi ako palasimba lalo na tuwing linggo. kung magsisimba man ako, kadalasan pag may kasama, hindi ako tinatamad o inaantok, sinisipag ako maglakad (dahil malapit lang yung simbahan sa amin), pag wala ako sa mood mamintas, mabait ako at feeling ko kelangan ko ng mag-confess. o di kaya either sa ST. JOSEPH tondo or mag novena sa ST. Jude Malacañan tuwing thursday.

lumaki kami at nag aral sa catholic school. pero after highschool, pero after highschool nagkaroon na ako ng sariling paniniwala sa pananampalataya ko sa pinaniniwalaan ko. Bihira man ako, pumasok ng simbahan tuwing linggo. alam ko naiiwasan ko rin yung mga posibleng kasalanan ko pa pag nasa loob na ako ng simbahan. dun kasi sa pinas, dun sa tondo. hindi mapirmi yung attention ko sa buong mass. may attetion deficit pa naman ako. laging lumilipad yung utak ko pag may nakikita o nadidinig akong hindi rin nakikinig sa pari. nakakapintas tuloy ako ng di oras. dun kasi sa tondo, ang ingays sa loob ng simbahan, distracted ako sa mga batang nagtatakbuhan sa loob ng simbahan, sabayan pa ng mga bibig ng mga magulang na pilit pinipigilan yung mga anak nila sa kakatakbo, o sa bibig ng mga baby na tigas naman sa kakaiyak. samahan pa ng mga mbile fones na naka loud pa ata. mas malakas pa sa sound system ng simbahan. nakakapintas pa yung mga mata ka sama suot ng mga kabataang madalas namang nakikipag date sa kanilang mga uyab.

haayy, nakakalungkot lang isipin na kaunti nalang nga yung percentage ng mga nagsisimba, umaabsent pa din ako. pero kasi nasa loob na nga ako ng simbahan, nagakakasala pa rin ako. hindi man ako active sa attendance, hindi naman rin ako nakakalimot magdasal ano man gap sa orasan. kahit pa minsang hindi ko alam kung nadidinig nga yung mga dasal ko. pinipilit ko pa rin sinisigaw sa utak ko yung pasasalamat at hinaing ko. ngayon, namimiss ko na rin ang simbahan. may catholic church rin daw dito, pero malayo. tuwing friday na rin ang simba dito, isinasabay sa day- off. tinanong kasi ako ni khala kung may simbahan rin ba daw dito, at kung pwede daw magsimba ako at wag makalimot magdasal.

nung isang linggo pala, habang nasa mall kami ni ate. may lumapit saming mga KABAYAN. kala ko mga natural lang na batian ng mga pinoy dito yun. yun pala rerecruit kami sa fellowship chuva. libre naman daw lahat pati transpo, susunduin daw kami tas may chibog pa. pero sorry talaga sa mga nakakabasa ah. hindi kasi ako medyo okey sa mga ganung sharing sharing thingy eh. yung winawagay way pa yung mga kamay. sorry Ah, pero di ko kasi maalis na hindi mapangiti na, magagawa ko yung mga ganun sa buhay ko. ewan ko ba, tumatak kasi sakin yung sa BUBBLE GANG na ANG DATING DOON. tapos brother sister pa yun tawagan. mahihiya lalo ako pag may pray over session na.

okey namn din yung group dynamics paminsan minsan. wag lang ssobrahan at macocornihan na ako. tas ayun nga. pilit kaming nirerecruit. pero sana hindi naman sila na offend kasi pilite naman yung pag decline namin ni ate.

nadala na rin kasi ako sa mga ganyan kasi baka tulad ng iba yan na in the end, nanghihingi pa ng pera. wala pa naman ako nun. hehehe

******* sana nga minsan ma-try ko makapag simba ako sa totoong simbahan dito. sabi kasi nila, latin type daw ang mass dun. traditional. bawal pa nga rin daw dun ang mga babaeng hindi naka modest dress. so minus pintas na ako. at mas magugustuhan kong magdasalsa loob ng simbahang katoliko kesa sa simbahang gumawa ng sariling sekta (pero katoliko rin daw sila ah).

2006-10-22T20:17:00.000Z

21 days to go at birthday ko na:

heres my simple wishes for my special day.

SHOES:

I think I really need a new pair of chuckies or other really good walking sandals. My feet hurt ALL the time now and I think it is because after six months of intense walking while wearing the same pair of my star-designed flats they just don’t have the same shock absorbance they used to. I wear a womens size 6"

BOOKS/CD:

If you see one you liked or one you think I will like send it! If you see a used book you think I would like, or want to burn a CD of music you like and think I may too, I would love that. Also there are a few Books/CD’s that I really want like:

Books:

LIFE- by paulo coehlo
LONELY PLANET INDIA- by sarina singh
any book by sharon screech
Poppy Shakesphere- clare allan
For one more day- mitch albom
the road- cormac mc carthy
The light of evening- edna o'brien
The last mazurka- andrew tarnowski

Cd's:

Isang ugat, isang dugo- rivermaya
Fragmented- updharmadown
High Road- jojo
Bossa nova live- sitti

TEA:

There are a lot of tea you can get here like plain black tea, cinnamon, rose, green tea etc. but what i like is the Fancy Tea like Earl Grey’s (or better Lady Grey) or yummy herbal fruity blends (With the acceptation of lemon, yeah I really like lemon tea) or even green tea, but you can find it anywhere already... Whatever as long as it is more exciting than the Samoa equivalent of Brisk tea. marami yun sa chinese stores sa pinas.

FREE TICKETS:

BAMBOO and PAROKYA ni EDGAR live in dubai on December 8, 2006 at Dubai Country Club. it will be the first rock concert in middle east. Cant wait to see that.

another ticket:
- 2 way ticket. dubai to manila. i want to visit my mom and my little sister. i miss them so much.

SIMPLE TEXT MESSAGE: mapapangiti mo ako niyan. sigurado yan... miss ko na magtext! awww!

but if it happens na you dont find anything on the list. you may also send me some cash or donations through western union. hehehe. cash is mostly welcome.

2006-10-22T19:51:00.000Z

EID MUBARAK to everyone

eid al fitr and diwali festival. whats the difference?

eid al fitr or the end of ramadan, can be compared sa christmas ng catholic. ineexpect na siya ngayon or tomorrow, depende kung masisilip pa ng mga moonsighting expert ang buwan ngayon. it will be announce by the unified global commitee.

diwali is the hindu festival of lights or parang new year.

kaya this past few days, lahat busy. after daylight, pagkatapos ng maghapon na fasting at pagdarasal, makikita mo sila sa mga malls at restaurants. shopping galore. last minute shopping sila. talagang pinaghahandaan nila yung occassion na ito. kahit sa mga gold souq, you wouldnt believe the rush. mapa-itik man (the way pinoy call indians) or locals (arab nationals). for itiks, they believe that LAKSHAMI- or yung goddess of wealth visits homes during these festival. (literature check?) kaya todo pamili sila ng alahas. kahit ilong may naksabit sa knila. sa arabs naman. sa ganitong panahon, gusto nila, lahat bago, lahat papalitan nila. its more of status symbol.

last night, nung nasa mall kami ni ate, binilan niya ako ng HALWA. yun yung traditional sweet nila. sticky siya talaga, parang yema peroiba yung texture, kakaiba, parang T*e pero masarap siya huh. the best yun for sweet lovers like me. 99% na nakakataba! no wonder why most nationals are obese. wala ngang pork, puro matamis naman. grabe.

well these festival is the time for them to visit friends and relatives.

umm. lapit na christmas. naaalala ko tuloy.

moving...

2006-10-15T18:55:00.000Z

I'm planning to move to JUMEIRAH this week.

ALONE.

away from my dad and my ate. kasi mas maraming opportunity dun.

JUMEIRAH is a place where most of the westerner and european resides. thats also the place where you can find the finest beaches in the emirate and the 7star BURJ AL ARAB hotel.

ill be living independently.

i have to work hard to pay for my room, to buy my own food. i have to earn money because I'm now responsible for myself.

my dad agreed on my decision. but I'm afraid that if my mom would learn about this, she'll definitely burst in anger to my dad.

AWAY AWAY na naman ito.

my mom would not understand my reason for leaving. thats for sure. i bet.

aakalain nun, pinapabayaan ako ng daddy.

hay wag naman sana.

wish me luck.

2006-10-09T13:15:00.000Z

yesterday, i went to Deira, Dubai City alone for my interview on a Real State Company. Ibang iba talaga yung lugar na yun compared dito sa Ajman. Deira is the center of industries. andun yung stock market, famous hotels, tallest skyscrapers, biggest malls. basically its the business district ng UAE. 3rd time ko na pumunta dun pero first time kong mag isa pumunta. maganda ang weather kahapon kaya hindi ako nahirapan, hindi kasi mainit tulad dati. i walked around the area bago ng interview ko. tumambay mag isa at nameet ko si Maria- indian. shes waiting for her brother kaya nagkwentuhan muna kamin and we exchanged email addresses. tulungan daw niya ako to find a job. CLOSENESS number 1.

after ng interview ko. nagpunta na ako sa bus station. as much as i would like to eat, hindi pwede kumain kahit tubig or candy ngayon ramadan. at close lahat ng food establishments. bukas ang mall pero hindi talga pwede kumain sa labas in respect sa mga kapatid nating Muslim na nag fafasting (during daytime) sa mga panahong ito.

matagal rin dumating yung bus. 30 mins ako naghintay. tapos pag hapon pala walang biyaheng diretsong AJMAN. hanggang SHARJAH lang so yun lang ang choice ko. ang daming naghihintay pero laging priority ang babae dito. LADIES FIRST, kaya yung sinakyan kong bus ALL GIRLS TRIP. s aunahan ako umupo. astig. tabi kami ni manong driver. CLOSENESS number 2.

from Deira to Sharjah, cost 5dhms. malayo na rin yun at horrible ang traffic. nakakaantok ang gutom at uhaw. pero pinigilan kong matulog. inenjoy ko nalng yung mga nakikita ko at ang amoy ng mga katabi ko..

yung isang katabi ko. si SALMA-ethopian, tinanong ko lang kung saan ang sakayan pag baba ko ng bus papuntang ajman. tapos nagkuwentuhan na kami. tga ajman rin pala siya, at sa tapat lang din ng building namin yung tinitihan niya. kaya sabay na kami sumakay ng sharing taxi. CLOSENESS number 3..

sharing taxi-- 3 dhms. from sharjah to ajman.

pag hindi sharing aabot ng 10dhms, pag ako lang mag isa, kaya malaki natipid ko!.

**********************************************************************

the other night, i was moved by some stroeis over the radio about those pinoys na dumadating dito as visit visa. karamihan kasi, naabuso ng mga locals or ng iabng lahi. ang nakakagulat pa dun, kahit kapwa pinoy, mahirap pagkatiwalaan.

yung iba, hindi susuwelduhan tulad ng super friend kong si cleng. ilang beses sa kanyang ngyari yun. buti ngayon, nakahanap na siya ng employer na bibiygan na siya ng employment visa. yung iba naman, kahit galing pinas, naloloko rin ng agency pagdating dito. kaya hindi nakakapagtaka kung bakit may ibang pinoy dito na makikita mong nanghihingi ng pera sa daan. as in walang wala sila. nakakaawa. they need to do that to survive o para makaipon at ma renew visa nila. o kaya yung iba, kapit sa patalim at makipag relasyon s aibang lahi, mag commit ng adultery at maki-apid sa pinoy/pinay na maypamilya sa pinas? hmmm uso dito yun. para matugunan yung needs sa pera at sa laman?

*******************************************************************

nakakalungkot lang isipin mas lalong naapektuhan yung pananaw ko dati sa pag-ibig sa ngayon. para kasing hindi mo rin madedefine kung pag-ibig nga yung namamagitan between couples. kung hanggang saan ba aabutin yung relasyon nila. kung pagdating bsa sa pinas sila p rin? lalo na kung may pamilya ang isa? o kung ibang lahi ang ka relasyon mo, tlagang totoo ba yung feelings nila sayo at hindi sex object lang ang tingin nila sayo at hindi pera lang ang alam nilang habol mo sa kanila. hindi ko masisis ang ibang lahi. kung ang tingin nila sa pinay ay BILI-MO-AKO-GIRLS. kasi may iba talaga diyan na may ganung disorder.

parang ngayon mas lalo akong naging kuripot ipakilala sarili ko. kung sa pinas naging madamot ako. mas lalo ngayon. nadagdagan ang percentage.

hindi ko man sinasabing nagpunta ako rito para sa lovelife. pero kung iisipin ko, mas lalong lumabo ang pathway ko pagdating sa buhay pag-ibig. mas malabo pa sa sandstorm. PAKSHET

2006-10-02T12:17:00.000Z

I sleep so much these past few days. I sleep even after eating. Even if I have all those 8-10 hours of sleep I still feel weak and well-- sleepy. I think I am suffering from hypersomnia. A friend told me (she's probably reading this right now) that maybe because lately I don't eat much.

Hell, I lost my appetite too. I look at food and just feel sleepy. I try to talk but all the topics around me bore me to hell. last week, i worried too much because of the typoon that hit manila. then my friends been babbling stories about MR. RAKSTAR.

I actually don't want to sob because I know everyone's tired of listening to me right now. I just feign interest and they go on and on about their boyfriend, their anniversary, their shallow insecurities and I just sort of comment every now and then.

Sometimes I shed a tear a two but they didn't notice. It's funny. And when I am all alone I feel somewhat at peace because I don't have to be frustrated at seeing someone and hoping that they'd ask me how was I or how things are going. They never asked me. They'd go on and on about their own needs and I just let them be although deep in my heart i want to be comforted.

Yes, it's selfish, it's g*ddam selfish of me to think of those but hell when was the last time that I'd been selfless?

A few days ago, I was almost devastated. But of course... I couldn't say it out a loud because once again there was no comfort offered only doubt and just some nods that they heard you or something. So now, I learned now that whenever you feel something, something deep paining you you oughta hide it within. People just don't understand. Only you can help yourself and only you can heal yourself.
I learned that the hard way.

From now on, I am my only confidant. From now on, this journal will be why sort of punching bag. At least I know this won't respond not because it doesn't want to but because it can't.

Right now im sick. my asthma hit me again after such a long time.

errr

2006-09-23T09:55:00.000Z

I woke up with a headache because my father actually shook me awake. Days like these when I just want to rest makes me want to bite people's head off. kulang kasi ako sa tulog. tapos pagod pa.

we had some walk with my ate the other night at the mall. (after i had my interview) btw, the mall is our get-away place everytime we need some air to breathe in. kaya lang, ramadan na starting this day so, medyo we'll be having some rest for a month. medyo wala kaming mapupuntahan ni ate. sad.

and then last night, we just walked along the beach. for the first time i saw a CAMEL. parang bata ako. sayang i dont have a camera. pero lagi naman kami dun ni ate, kaya lang everytime we go there, walang camel sightings. kagabi lang. next time, magdadala na kami.

2006-09-16T16:33:00.000Z

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

my dearest sister KAHLA sent me the August edition of PINOY MAG featuring Jappy and DOk SErgio. haay, ive been dreaming about this magazine for so many weeks now and finally, umabot na sa akin.

Marami akong nalaman at marami na namang naglalaro sa isip ko ngayon.

* i can be a slave for someone i love. shete. i can do the laundry for HIM (basta may washing machine). para hindi na sha pupunta sa laundry shop. i can do it for FREE. or di kaya, pag balik ko ng pinas, hahanapin ko yung laundry shop at mag aaply ako as laundro-girl. pathetic noh.

*i can cook. ADOBO is my specialty. ill teach you how to. if you like... hehehe

* pwede rin akong PULOT bola pag nagbasketbol kayo sa tapat ng haws niyo.

* sana nakilala na kita noon pa nung may BIKE pa kami. para may kasaby ka mag-bike or iaangakas kita or ako mag aangkas sayo. hahahaha

*JAPS STATED: "pero ako ngayon iba na, kapag my tumingin sa akin ng 2 or 3 sec, malamang kialla ko yun so papansinin ko na siya agad at magha-HI nalang ako".---- hmmm. nakita kita sa ATC fews months ago. pero sana kahit sa sobrang kaba ko lumapit ako. ang layo ko kasi nung tinitigan kita eh. sayang ang MOMENT. syang ang HI mo.

*DOK SAYS: "confident naman ako na kung ano man ang heart matters ni japs, kayang kaya niyang i-handle yun"--- basta pag hindi mo na kaya, i can be your shoulder to cry on.naks. AS IF.

* "pareho kaming single ni DOK, shoking ba yun?"- JAPS
"ako single, ewan ko siya"- DOK answers, pointing to JAPS
-- OHMIGOD! sana nga single (pa rin) siya. =D

*i want to sneak in your room while you're taking a bath, since lagi mo naman iniiwang bukas ang bathroom door mo eh. beware! hahahaha

*favorite Q&A on that interview:
Whose career-musical or otherwise would you most want to emulate and why?
DOK: "my brother JAPS, he's a brilliant songwriter, a great performer and a good leader".

Why? obvious ba?
Reminder: Dont get me wrong. hindi naman ako stalker or obsessed fan-girl-rock-chic-groupie (whatever!). im just a SELF-CONFESSED ONE-SIDED LOVER na simpleng kasiyahan na ang malunod sa kwento tungkol sa kanya. dun lang masaya na ako. KAHIT DI NIYA ALAM..

2006-09-15T10:18:00.000Z

One moment may with bliss repay unnumbered hours of pain-
THOMAS CAMPBELL

may bago na akong friend, isang BOOMBOX!
hindi nga lang siya gumagalaw pero nag sasalita at kumakanta; nag-eexist sha para sa akin.

ang babaw ng kasiyahan ko noh?
kahit pa isa lang ang English FM station dito. malaking tulong yun sa akin.
Salamat sa nagbigay.
salamat oohh boombox!

Y'ALLAH!

************

i was a couch potato freak the whole day yesterday, thanks to hours spent in front of my new boombox! trying to be relaxed. so when i was told my presence was required in the club at 1030pm, i was ecstatic. by the time we left the flat, i was ready to commit murder and ready to bite-off anyone in sight.

in the club: we drank, we laughed , we danced, we laughed and laughed. namintas. astig.

though kahit malaki ang pinagkaiba sa manila. i enjoyed for the moment.

now, balik ulit sa dati.

2006-09-12T09:51:00.000Z

i hada short conversation with my friend R about dun sa kapitbahay/ kababata niyang FRONTMAN ng isang bandang kinarir ko last year.

R: nagkita pla kami ni ?. kahapon. wala atang gig, galing skul.
ako: ah? talaga? buhay p? so kamusta naman siya? at ang banda?
R: ok naman, tinanong nga kita eh
A: nyeh, naalala pa ba ako nun, ano sbi?
R: cnbi ko ung pinakilala ko s knya nung bday ni ano.
A:ay sos! parang ayaw ko ng marinig yung sinabi niya...
R: gusto mo ba o ayaw?
A: depende, kinuwneto niya ba yung k-praningan ko nung gig nila sa libis?
R: oo, bruha ka, natawa nga eh, ang kulit mo daw
A: un lang? ano pa sbi?
R: he asked me kung iba na number mo?
R: eh diba hindi na yun 607 ang gamit mo?
R: nagtetext daw sila dun, di ka nagrereply.
A: SILA??? ah oo kaya pla ron ako nagpalit ng number ...
R: sus! kala ko baokey lang sayo si DB? (as in drummer boy)
A: okey lang nga, wala naman akong sinabing hindi okey. pero ako ba okey saknya?
R: labo ka tlga, bruha, eh sino gusto mo? SIYA?
A: naman!
A: lam mo naman kung pano ko sinundan yun
A: malay ko ba naman kasing kapit bahay mo?
R: sinabi ko nasa dubai ka na
R: sayang daw nasa kanya pa yun cap?
A: cap? err, wag mo ng ipaalala kasi sumasama tuloy yung loob ko.
A: ngayon, hinahnap na niya ako pero dati... tsk

HINDI KO NALANG SIYA PAPANGALANAN AT BAKA LUMAKI PA ULO LALO NUN. FEELING NIYA HUMAHABOL PA AKO SA KANYA. tae siya.
bitter bitteran pa tuloy ako ngayon..

2006-09-06T21:07:00.000Z

Of all the things I hate, it’s being ignored. And above all the things that I hate being ignored by the one you love is shittier than all the f_ck_d up things combined. I am sorry, am I being too bitter with my words. tae kasi.

I am sorry, it’s just that I feel so down lately and instead of moping around which what I’d been doing for the past 2 weeks, I decided to really release my anger in some form or another.

I cry every night, I cry because I feel im being used. I cry because I feel insecure, I cry because my face hurt from smiling and most of all I cry because I feel empty.

If in your course of understanding, friendship and concern, you’ve felt one care for me please do this for me. give me a nice message.

Just one...
so tonight I can sleep.

2006-09-05T12:56:00.000Z

jollibee and friendships...

---since i left pinas. i miss my friends, especially AYN, CON and KATE. my constant companion during skyflakes times, lunchee/ dinner, and support times in jollibee's castle. guess, all the conversations we had, shallow or deep it maybe, really created a friendship that despite long silence, is still there. sila yun mga taong free from pressure, free from assumed criticsms.

let's just say that these days, ive been wanting some friends to joke around with, to share stupid stories, to text and just share a smile with. i havent found one here yet. but i hope makahanp rin ako. kahit ibang lahi, as long as tao at maiiintindihan ang mga trip ko sa buhay.

for now, we communicate through occassional YM, but i do hope that the friendship will still remain.

*********

grogginess and laziness

now im quite energized. not to the fullest, but at least i have recharged a bit.

the coffee, yogurt and monay did wonders to my mood, along with some chika about baywalk bodies'life. like tis so important?! hhehehe, oh well, as much as most people hate to actually talk about actors and actresses' life when they don't even know we exist, its always been a part of filipino life. so, embrace it nalang.

*********

nga pala ive read it here na STEVE IRWIN is dead already. its ironic that he didnt die of crocodile hunting noh?

2006-08-20T14:13:00.000Z

I know my feelings for you were, and still are, feelings of love unlike anything I have ever known. My fear is that I'll never again feel that racing heart, those butterflies in my stomach, and the fireworks that always erupted when i see you near.I've also had to accept the fact that all that I felt was one sided. I loved you and I have no regrets about that. You are a wonderful man. Loving you has made me a better person. I know I never actually had you, but the memories I have for you are treasures that I will NEVER let go. You really are the greatest bassist I never had. Sometimes, I'm happy because I wasn't able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but choose to ignore the thoughts. Little by little, I'm beginning to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. thank god, lately im pre-occupied by my new environment. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories i had in the philippines. even if I know that it would give a bad mood the next day.

this morning, im just thankful that inspite of the distance and the amount of the text... you gave a damned reply to me.

isang malaking smile ang gumising sa akin kanina.

SALAMAT.

parang ako ang may berday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAPPY.

2006-08-12T09:08:00.000Z

yeah, i was moved by the article of Penny lane at 2BU. medyo nakarelate ako sa mga pinagagawa niya. biktima rin ata ako ng rakstar obsession. i emailed her and suprisingly, i received a reply right now. nakakatuwa lang na hindi pala ako nag iisa sa mundo sa mga kabaliwan ko. ang best part lang sa kanya eh, naging friends na sila ni RAKSTAR niya. overcomed na ang pagiging FANgirl niya. ako? ummm. on the process... in denial na wala talaga eh. nyehh. (this post is not about jappy) ibang istorya yun. hehehe

2006-08-11T08:54:00.000Z

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled mind- THOMAS JEFFERSON

And im not happy.
My life is like one big giant on and off switch. One minute im on top of the world. Then suddenly as if someone pushed the OFF button and my so-CALLED LIFE grinds to complete halt.

Since the day ive arrived here. yes, I can laugh again in spite of the homesickness feeling im enduring but No matter how hard I try to be happy. I cant. Really. Every time I saw my dad happy with her someone. It will always remind me of what I had gone through last summer. While we were there… struggling and painstakingly making a life out of nothing. Ayan sila, nagpapakasaya. I cant hide my tears every time the thought passes my mind. Masakit. Kaya siguro. Pag naaalala ko si mader at kahla. Naiiyak pa rin ako. Its only 2weeks but its like forever. i would cry when i would open my eyes and i would cry before i would sleep. Parang ang dami ko ng hindi alam sa kanila. I had no one to share my sentiments with. Although nandito si ate blaunch, pero ayoko ng ikwento pa sa kanya lahat ng yun…

My mom called this morning, crying. Again. I cant really take my tongue out, but I want her to know that ive been praying so hard to St. Jude that I can prove to her my existence. my worth for the family.

I stopped dreaming for myself. TOTOO YAN.
Lahat na ng ito. Para nalang kay mama at kahla.

2006-08-07T15:47:00.000Z

dati pag may napapanood ako sa TV na nagiiyakan sa airport pag may umalis o dumating. natatawa ako. pero iba pala talaga pag ako na yung nasa position. nakakaiyak pala talaga pag aalis ka na, at may nakikita kang maiiwan. lalo na yung mahal mo sa buhay.

nung dumatig naman ako dito sa dubai, medyo naiyak ako nung nakita ko si ate after 7 months at si daddy after 2 years. nabanggit ko nga di ba na my dad looks very old.

i dont have the pictures in NAIA pero eto yung pic ko nung dumating ako dito sa dubs.

actually ako lang ang nakatingin dyan. from the left: daddy ko, ako, ate blaunch and my super friend cleng.

2006-08-04T08:24:00.000Z

been to everywhere this past few days.
basta pinoy dito, kahit kaibigan ng kaibigan magiging friends mo rin. kaya okey lang kung sasama ka sa party ng may party. laging extended ang gatherings. kaya napasama ako sa mga friends ni daddy na may mga friends na mga bagets dito. so may mga bago na akong friends. ayos! last wednesday night nagpunta kami dun sa CORNICHE' sa SHARJAH. sa parang baywalk sa pinas. maganda dun, tabing dagat. ang trick lang dun. di siya totoong dagat. artificial lang un. nakakaloka talaga. di akong makapaniwala. samantalang sa pinas. tinatambakan ang dagat. pero dito, gumawaga ng dagat. simpleng picnic lang at kwentuhan. palipas oras daw nila yun at madalas nilang ginagawa.

tapos kahapon. nagpunta kami sa HAMRIYAH FREE ZONE. sa isang company dun nagtatrabaho si father. ang layo. disyerto dun. ang init. napaisip tuloy ako na all this time dun lagi si daddy. pagpasok namin sa BELLELI ENERGY SPA pinuntahan namin agad si daddy. medyo busy sa field work, at kung makikita niyo lang yung tonetoneladang bakal dun, matatakot ka talaga sa risk na pwedeng mangyari sa mga workers dun. naawa nga ako sa daddy ko kasi dun niya pala kami binuhay. being a supervisor sa ganun company mahirap din. hawak niya yung iba ibang nationality. indian, syrian, moroccan, pakistani (patan), lebanese. mostly mid-eastern. tapos office-field work siya lagi. kaya ang itim itim na niya. *parang nauntog tuloy ang ulo ko*

2006-08-03T08:00:00.000Z

stop asking me, kung meron akong naiwan sa pilipinas. it irritates me talaga. arghh.
ano sagot ko? "wala, pero may babalikan ako sa pinas"... hoping na i could meet him again, again again. *homesick mode*

A New Kind Of Love
by FROU FROU

A new kind of love,
Genetically altered,
Enough of love life,
And I can't believe it's not love,
I can't help myself,
And you don't have to say that,
"It sparks across flames,
You'll feel it kicking in soon."

I have fallen in love,
By the feeling you are,
I have fallen in love,
With a feeling.

So you're running late,
And it's not even like you,
You were doing so well,
Did the dog eat your homework again?
I can't help myself,
Cause my friend says in real life,
"It's only the police,
That ever come lookin' for you."

I have fallen in love,
By the feeling you are,
I have fallen in love,
With a feeling.

I have fallen in love,
Her only feeling you are,
Cause if you're falling in love,
Let me feel it.

I've been busy,
You'll know then,
You know you're just saying that,
Are you going to get that?
What's that supposed to mean?

I've been busy, you know that,
You know you're just saying that,
Are you going to get that?
What's that supposed to mean?

I have fallen in love,
By the feeling you are,
I have fallen in love,
With a feeling.

I have fallen in love,
Her only feeling you are,
Cause if you're falling in love,
Let me feel it.

You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.

You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.
You let me feel it.

2006-07-30T14:53:00.000Z

sa pagdating ko dito sa DUBAI. marami akong dapat matutunang tanggapin.

una: siguro habaan ko ang pasensya ko. nasa ibang lugar ako kaya dapat akong magpakatino. bukod sa daddy at ate ko, kasama rin namin dito sa flat na mga BAGONG TAO SA PANINGIN KO. mabait naman siya/sila. she welcomed me politely at mukhang kasundo naman siya ni ate, considering si ate pa? i never asked anyone, i just knew it. na eto na. inassume ko palang bago na ako magpunta dito na pwedeng ikagulat ko lahat ng malalaman ko dito. pero siguro, dahil matanda na rin kami para makipag away pa. natutunan ko na rin ang sarili kong itikom ang bbig ko. pinaghandaan nila ang pagdating ko, na tipong palapad papel sa akin? hahaha. i heard her say sa ate ko, "bothered ka bang dumating na ang paboritong anak ng daddy mo?" i know she didnt mean to offend my ate, pero i felt it. gusto kong sabihin right at that moment na "ikaw, bothered?" although, kahit naman noon hindi insecure si ate sa akin. oh well, ako naman ang paboritong kapatid ng mga kapatid ko. hehehe. nafifeel ko naman na aware sila sa position nila sa amin. at kontrabida mang pakinggan. KAMI PA RIN ANG TUNAY NA PAMILYA. gets? ayaw ko ring magpakita ng hindi maganda kasi ayokong lumabas na hindi kami PINALAKI NG MABUTI ni MAMA at mga bastos kami. ayokong maging masama tingin nila sa mama ko.

so ayun nga. so far they're treating me well. at siguro ganun rin sila kay ate. never try to screw us. masama akong magalit. and dad knows that. hindi pa rin alam 'to ni mama at ni khla. i know its unfair not to tell them but i just wish they would understand. marami nagbago kay daddy. feeling ko nga STRANGEr na ako sa kanya. im living with some people i barely know. pero kilala nila ako, kami. binibida daw kasi kami ni daddy.

pero kahit maganda pinapakita ko sa kanila. that doesnt mean na im replacing my moms position. IM JUST BEING PLASTIC. hahaha. sometimes i just need to be.

2: napakainit dito. literal. HAZY ang paligid ng dumating ako. sandstorm daw yun. pag nag sand storm daw. expect mo na kinabukasan na aabot ng 55degrees ang temp. kahit mataas ang araw malabo ang paningin ko. parang may pulbos ang hangin. ganun. tapos tagos tagusan ang init. supok ang balat mo tiyak pag nagpaaraw ka.

3: kailagan kong matutong maligo ng MAINIT NA TUBIG. no choice.

4: wag magcovert lagi. wag mo laging iisipin na mahal eto sa pilipinas. kung hindi wala kang mabibili. madedeppress kalang pag nalaman mong mahal pala talaga. (1 dirham is equals to 15 pesos.)

******************

"theres the science of clouds. theres the romance of clouds and theres the art of clouds. to think that nature could pack all this into atmosphere candyfloss. whats more some clouds even offer rain"

pero what if kung ayaw ng tao dito ng ulan? mostly arabs/ indians doesnt like rain. parang curse daw yun or something. (oohh, that according sa mga taong nainterview ko huh... ) pag dating ko kasi tinanong ko agad kung umuulan dito. sabi nila, bihira daw. summer pa naman ngayon dito pero talagang bihira rin sila mag cloud seeding kahit pa naipon na ang lahat ng cumulus cloud. in all fairness. maganda ang formation ng ulap dito. gustong gusto ko siyang tinititigan. lagi akong lumalabas sa terrace ng flat namin. kahit sobrang init. at para kang nasa steambath. bukod sa mga ulap. binabantayan ko rin yung mosque sa tapat ng building na 'to. i wonder kung ano hitsura ng loob ng sambahan nila. tapos pagkatpos ng iba sumamba may nagffootball rin at cricket na mga indians sa parking lot ng mosque. pinapanood ko rin yun.

kala ko nakakadepress ang sobrang dilim pag bumabagyo sa pinas. ngayon baliktad, nakakadepress pag dehydrated ka na. =D

2006-07-29T09:24:00.000Z

eto pala isa sa mga favorite kong letter na natanggap bago ako umalis ng pinas. a letter from my super friend trisha. lagi ko na tong babasahin, nakakatuwa lang sa feeling.

Hi Prinsesa!

Darn, I am gonna miss you like hell!! Yan ang unang sasabihin ko sayo. Things wouldn’t be the same without you around. Malayo ang Dubai. Di basta Tondo yan. Jan nga di kita mapuntahan, Dubai pa kaya?! Nakngpating.

Lamo, I wasn’t really expecting a great bond with you since si dhay talaga ang kabuddy mo. Dahil kay Julius tau nun nagkaron ng madalas na communication di ba? At kahit na praning praning un at crush mo at soulmate mo pa pala, malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa kanya. Naging karamay kita sa lahat. Kasama kita kahit na wala ang presensha mo. Ang galing kase kahit ganun, nararamdaman mo rin ung pains and sufferings na pinagdadaanan ko. Naiintindihan mo ako. Di lang ako ang nakakaintindi sating dalawa. Kahit ikaw na panay ang forward at makitext sa kapatid mo, mabulabog lang ako, naappreciate ko un. Sobra. Kase effort un. Omalabs sa ibang kaibgan. Wala na tayong dapat pang patunayan sa isat isa kse subok na tau. Wala sa lugar, layo o dalang ng pagkikita ang pagkikita naten. Di nasusukat un dun. Bow ako sa haba rin ng pasensha mo saken.

Nung mga panahong naghihingalo ang puso ko at malapit ng bumitaw, pinatatag mo ako sa mga salitang binitawan mo. Hindi ko nga pala kailangang maging marupok kase may mga taong anjan pa para sakin. Nagmamahal. Umiintindi. Umuunawa. Sumasabay sa ikot ng semi-crazy semi jinxed kong world. Salamat dahil napasok mo ito at nanatili kahit na mahirap tumulay sa mga pagsubok na ito kasama ako.
Maraming bagay na di parin natin mabigyan ng kahulugan at dahilan magpahangang ngayon. Malalaman rin natin paglaon ng panahon pero sana un pa rin ang mga bagay na gusto pa rin natin mangyari. Di katulad ngayon kung kelang nasasaktan at nangangapa tau sa dilim, wala parin ang mga sagot na gustong gusto na natin marinig. Kabanas. Hamu na, pasasaan bat kung kelang pabitiw at palayo na tayo sa mga sakit at pagsubok na to, at masayang hinaharap ang bagong buhay, dun darating ung mga di inaasahan. Ung din na natin ito kailangan dahil napagtanto na natin na may mga bagay pala na di kailangan talaga ng mga kahulugan at dahilan. Dahil kusa na tau maghihilom at makakaunawa ng mga bagay na akala natin di natin alam. Isa na don ang boypren hehehehe di ko pa masagot yan ng matino. Pagbalik mo na lang. Thesis ito at kailangan ng masusing pag-aaral.

Shempre, nagmamaganda lang ako nito. Pero tsong, etong kaibigan mong to, kahit na isat kalahating ungas at bakya, mahal ka nito. Aminin mong nagtagal tau ng text at telepono lang ang ugnayan. Maryosep. Relashon ito.

Magiingat ka dun ha. Alam ko naman na masumikap kang tao kaya makikita mo rin ang pagkatao mo na nasayo lang naman right from the start. You never have to look very far. Di ba nga sabe, the things significant to us are oversee by our heart and mind. Malapit at anjan lang pala, malabo pa rin ang kita natin. Misan di na kailangan pang lumayo para lang makita o matagpuan ang akala nating wala satin o di natin maintindihan. Pero kung ito lang ang makakapagpasatisfy sayo, asa likod mo lang ako. Gusto ko madali ka lang dun para naman may alien na ulit dito. Pero ayoko maging selfish kase may misyon kang dapat na tapusin. Gusto ko makabalik ka dito, matagal man o hinde, successful mong naabot ang mga pangarap mo. Sayang naman kung walang mangyayari sau don. Korni. Just keep in mind why you are there in the first place. Why you decided to leave home and search the home you thought you never have. Why you have to seek the things left unsaid and done. I am positive you are gonna be one lucky ass in your journey to the life you thought never existed in you. I’ll back you up. Basta make sure may boys na kasama hehehe

Jesus, di na ako nagseryoso. Basta, make sure that when you come back, you are the new bambi with a touch of the classic paula. Kase ganun naman, nagbabago and yet may naiiwan pa ring lumang bagay. Kaya dapat umayos ka. Putol daliri mo sa paa pag nagkataon. Keps ka.

(habang sinusulat ko to ngayon, dito ko sa mini garden kung san ang bangungot ng buhay ko eh asa labas lang. Masakit. Pero kelangan tiisin kung gusto kong mabuhay ng maayos at mapayapa. Taena. Di ko na ulit iiyakan itong taong ito. Pagalis mo, papadala ko na ang sakit at hirap na pinagdadaanan ko. Pasensha pero kelangan na talagang maalis ito dito sa pilipinas. Lalo na sa buhay ko. Nakakprevent ng emotional growth ko. Nasasaling lagi ng pagmamhalan nilang dalawa. Bukas, luluhod ang mga tala at makikita nila, may date na ko sa susunod. Taena.)

Once you are in Dubai na text ka agad ha. YM or pm sa friendster ayus din. Malabong magkalimutan ang tulad nating mga pinanganak na royal blood. We are not born sisters by blood but we are sisters by choice. Kaya masaya  nobela ito. Di ko mashado pinaghandaan ang pagsusulat ko. Madami pang kwento. Eto na lang muna para malibang ka naman.

Remember, kahit na wala kang mapala dun, knock on wood, I’d still be grateful you took the journey. Wala kang maririnig sakin na I told you so. Balik ka lang pag di mo na kaya. Tama na rin ung sumubok ka. Next time na lang ulit. Pahinga muna. Size 5 ako at extra small. Wag mo kalimutan. Pati book and makeup. Maarte ako eh.

Siyet, ending na. Sob. Always pray. Yan na lang ang sandatang kahit na matagal ang reply eh panghabangbuhay naman na kaligayahan. Ingat ka lagi and don’t forget us friends you will always have. Pilipinas man yan o mars.

I’ll see you soon.

Spinster by choice, goddamit,

Trisha Leigh Belmes

2006-07-24T13:53:00.000Z

mukha lang hindi ako takot.
oo excited ako, sobra, pero sobra rin akong natatakot...
sa maraming bagay.

VENGEANCE. yan siguro ang tamang word kung bakit in-exile ako sa dubai. hindi ako tumatagal sa trabaho sa pinas, puro banda nalang ang intaupag ko, tambay at mukhang napansin nilang na-enjoy ko masyado ang pagiging tambay.

after 2 yrs and 3 months, magkikita kami ulit ni daddy. umiwui saiya nung graduation ko. umalis siya ng ganito ang stado ko sa buhay. at magkikita kami ulit ng wala man lang nagbago sa akin, ganun pa rin, underachiever. nandun na ako sa sabik akong makita siya pero nauunahan ako ng HIYA. ang daddy ko kasi MAN OF FEW WORDS. hindi halata pag galit or masaya siya kasi piling salita lang ang kaya niyang sabihin. mas nakakatakot yung ganun. silent water runs deep ika nga db?

ang daddy at ang ate ko, tinatanong sa akin noon kahit nag aaral pa ako kung kelan ako magkaka bf. iba yung kulit nila eh, nakakapraning. nilang 3 nila mader actually. kahit di sinasabi sa akin ni mama alam kong nagtatanong na yun kung sino yung pinapupunta ko sa bahay namin. nakkapressure din minsan. para bang lahat ng tao sa paligid ko, pinipilit ako kahit sinsabi kong hindi. ang kaso, wqalang gustong maINLOVE at SUMERYOSO sa akin kahit kelan. i have so much to give pero walang willing tumanggap. amf. ano ang gusto nilang gawin ko?

pero hindi yun ang priority ko ngayon kaya, kalimutan ko muna yan..

sana mapawi lahat ng takot ko pagdating ko dun...

2006-07-21T11:40:00.000Z

naiinis ako kasi kung sino pa ang hinuhugutan ko ng lakas, sila pa ang lalong nagpapahina sa akin.

naiinis ako kasi bakit kayo pa ang naging magulang ko.

naiinis ako kasi kahit anong pilit kong bumangon, bumabagsak pa rin ako.

naiinis ako kasi gaano man kahaba ang pasensya ko nauubos rin sa inyo.

naiinis ako kasi lahat ng pag asa ko nasa summit na sana eh, tapos biglang babagsak, dahil mismo sa inyo.

naiinis ako kasi marami akong pangarap, pero bakit ayaw niyo ak0ng pagbigyan.

naiinis ako kasi gustong gusto kong magalit sa inyo, pero hindi k0 magawa kasi magulang ko pa rin kayo.

naiinis ako kasi wala akong masisi.

naiinis ako kasi wala akong control sa mga nangyayari.

naiinis ako kasi kung sino pa ang mga matanda, mas makitid pa ang utak sa akin.

naiinis ako sa DIYOS.

naiinis ako kasi bakit buhay pa ako.

naiinis ako naiinis ako naiinis ako naiinis ako!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-20T06:44:00.000Z

matagtagal na rin akong hindi naka-gimmick kasama ang mga barkada ko nung college. edyo nalagas-lagas kasi yung oras pati yung communication namin sa isat isa. pero nitong huling 3linggo hindi ko man sila sbay sabay nakasama, isa isa na silang sumusulpot at nagpaparamdam kahit pa yung isa dun eh and huling usap pa namin eh nung kuhanan pa ng toga. kung hindi pa ata nagtext brigade etong si gela na aalis na daw ako eh di nila ako maaalala. actually ayokong gawing big deal yung pag alis ko, para konti lang ang madis-appoint sa akin if ever im not gonna make it. kahit papano ang saya at pag nagkita kami ulit in the future, maganda yung pag-uusapan naming huling memory namin together. kesa naman sabihin nila "ayan si paula, di man lang nagpakita sa amin bago umalis!" ang fanget naman nun di ba...

ano't ano pa man, panay man ang reklamo ko sa buhay ko, masaya ako kung kasama ko ang mga kaibigan kong ito:
(pictures from fete dela musique 2006 last june 30 @ mall of asia)

with allalaine...

with jas!

sayang lang, walang picture si anne...

simpleng kwentuhan at chismisan kahit sandali lang yun. pero masarap madinig yung mga kwento nila, minsan kahit alam ko na, okey lang yun, mas ok kung nadidinig ko talaga from them.

the ff. week may second round kami ni jas. she gave her letter at isang artistically made bag charm (actually nakasabit na siya sa hand-carry ko!). isang oras na kwentuhan sa loob nang FEu. (take note pumasok lang kami sa aming alma mater para magkwentuhan, maupo at magpaka nostalgic ng konti) marami rin siyang naikwento sa akin. siympre hindi biro ang mahigit 3 taon ata naming hindi pagkikita. JAS SALAMAT SA ORAS, NAG-ENJOY TALAGA AKO

that same day also, minit ko rin si magna cum angela y beleno, my tutor during college.. hehehe, si kate at con din. sa sm north. friends na kami nung college pa pero nitong nag graduate lang kami naging lalong naging close. at thru text pa. salamat sa unlimited texting =D. si anj, ganun pa rin, tawa lang ng tawa . kahit walang day-off sa work at kailangan naka-sked ahead of time lahat ng lakad niya, nakatwa pa rin. kahit halatang kailangan na niya ng stresstabs. pero infairness. tumaba siya dahil nahiyang sa mga paperworkd at mga meeting niya. si kate- hindi na believer, maka kamikazee na siya. hahaha. naimpluwensiyahan naman niya si con manuod ng mga gigs ng banda. at na love at first siyght sya kay yael yuson. late bloomer kasi eh, as in. ngayon lang niya na-feel na may band mania sa pinas.. in short nabiktima na siya ng SIGE-KINIG-AT-SULYAP sa mga banda. yung tipong napunta lang dahil gustong magpapicture sa mga rakstars. hahaha. napagdaanan ko na ata yun kaya minsan natatawa nalng din ako sa kalukohan nilang 2.

kaya gusto ko namang sumabit sa mga kalokohan nila kaya kasama ko sila manuod ng mga gigs lately. makaalis lang at makapagliwaliw. go ako with them.

kaya nagpunta kami ng UP freshmen night. on our way there, nakita namin si APRIL. hahaha kasama ko sa NBSB and i want to have na GROUP.... haggard pa rin ang drama. maganda naman ito eh, di lang marunong mag ayos at magsukaly. libre pamasahe namin. salamat sa kanya.

ayon, UPFM. i had a blast. parang freshmen rin ako, nagfifeeling. kahit late kaming dumating at tumutogtog na ang RM, pagdating namin sa backstage. actually wala kaming ticket. magagate crash talaga kami at gagamit ng "kakilala system". salamat sa driver ng maya, si kuya allan at sa roadie nila na si ate flor. may artist pass kaming 2 ni kate. pero kulang pa ng isa, buti nalang at dumating yung roadie daw yun ng CALLA LILY.(unaware, na banda rin pala yun, kala ko soap lang yung sa abs cbn..) tapos nung nakita ko ng yung banda, isang malaking NYEHHH. tiga FEU yan di ba? oo daw, yung vox na si KEANE at yung gitarista na si TATSI. i saw them before sa school, kalat kalat lang, tapos ngayon... hahaha..

anyway, ayan nga nakapasok na kami, nakita namin si mark at si mike muna. nakipag apir sa akin at tinanong kung kelan alis ko, sabi ko baka next week. actually wala rin ako sa sariling kausap sila, kasi isa lang ang focus ko, MAKITA ko si jappy. swerte pa naman ang pasok namin sa backstage, lahat ng gusto kong makitang rakstar andun pero hindi yun priority ko. si japs japs japs! asan ka na? finally ayun, may autograph session pa with the organizers. sige, hintay pa ako ng sandali, kahit di ko sila nakitang tumutog okey pa rin basta makausap ko lang siya. farewell talk ang drama ko. alas! ayun humarap na siya. ako naman nakahawak sa 2 kong chaperon. parang mahihimatay na naman ako. "oy, punta ka capones,? medyo nagmamadali na kami eh, sino kasama mo?" (hmp!, hindi pa ako nagsasalita, hello?) ang nasabi ko nalng "ah sige, try namin sumunod" tsktsktsk. nanginginig pa ang boses ko nun. tumalikod na siya, naiwan ako, mga isang hakbang palang bumalik siya ulit. "kelan alis mo?" sabi niya. wahahha muntikan akong maiyak? natandaan mo jappy?!! shet. sabi ko "next week, last gig ko na 'to di ko pa naabutan.." (paawa effect) "may capones pa sa 13 punta ka dun, cge alis na kami, paalam!". TAE heaven na yun talaga.

cge gudbye na kung gudbye na sa buong team. mahaba pa ang gabi. marami pa akong gustong makita. si kurt ng SOAPDISH ulit, chikahan ng konti. tapos nakita ko na si bogs. hay, 3/4 ng gabi ko pwede na. makita ko lang siya, masaya na rin ako. tapos pics with doc at mat kasama pang comment na "ayos yan tshirt mo ah, kilala ko may gawa!?" hahaha. gwafu ka kuya! patawa ka rin, syempre rivermaya shirt ito, kaya ikaw ang gumawa!

after ng set ng pupil, nacorner ko ulit si doc, reklamo sa cd, di na umaandar. "sumuko na sunday surreal ko pala kuya doc" ayu, super explain, ang gulo ng paligid, ang nainitindihan ko lang eh mahirap daw sila para ireplace yung cd ko, ha? cge na nga, papalampasin ko to doc. ok na ako, pwede na ako umiw, nakiota ko na yung gusto kong makita eh..

dahil hindi pa pwede umuwi yung 2, hinhintay pa nila ang kamikazee at spongecola. sige wait lang may, mojofly pa rin pala at moonstar88, updharmadown, dicta, Udub, 6cm, PS, sandwich, imago, calla lily, pedicab (at aaminin kong mapasayaw talaga ako kay diego!)

3:00am na ako nakauwi pero 6:00am na ako nakapasko ng bahay. all the while nasa labsa lang ako ng pinto. buti bukas ang gate namin, pro yung pinto kasi sarado, kaya hinitay ko nalang magising si mama. hassle kung mambubulabog pa ako.

**************************************
monday:
i went to trisha's house in vista verde ev cainta. lunch time yun. then around 3 pm, nagpaaalam na rin ako agad kasi imimeet ko naman si ivy m. sa sta. lucia. as usual pag siya kasama ko, MCDO ang tamabayan namin. til 5pm yun. tapos, next stop ko after sa sm san lazaro with my hs best friend DIANA.

tuesday:
together with my sister KAHLA. i met jonald and kiko sa gateway, dinner lang at timezone ang naging quality time namin.

thursday:
i went out with my super friend AYN and her BF DAN ang aking foodtrip buddies. sila yung mga guilty pleasure ko. hayy. mamimiss ko yang 2 na yan.

after nila go naman ako with con and amboy, odette and her boss.

Sobrang naging pamilyar sa FEELIng ko ang lahat ng nangyrai sa akin this past few weeks. para kaming balik college. ang kaibahan lang. mahigit, one-hundred pounds ang mga nadagdag sa amin COLLECTIVELY.

hmmm.
gusto ko lang i-stretched yung kwentong UP. actually sobrang napilit lang ako nung 2 pumunta, kasi wala talaga akong pera. as in. 30 pesos lang ang nasa bulsa ko. paglabas pa lang namin kinse na. paano pa ang pagpunta ng UP? ang mainam dun, all expensed paid trip ang nangyari, kasama chibog. basta ang kailangan ko lang daw gawin eh, gamitin ang POWERS kong makapasok kaming 3. ayos!

actually, buong araw ko pinag isipan nung friday na yun kung anong ginagawa ko sa bahay nung araw na yun samantalang bilang na mga oras ko. but then, naiisip ko palang ang crowd dun sa lugar na yun, parang gusto ko na kaagad magkulong ulit nalang sa bahay at manood ng GHOST WHISPERER. akala ko kasi walang RM dun at there was no one to see there, no one to impress (as if!) feeling ko rin nahawa na ako kay jas sa feeling niyang tumatanda. at yung mga makikita ko dun, sos! mga taong mas bata sa akin. freshmen night eh. at kung meron mang kasing edad ko, damang dama ko na IBANG IBA ako sa kanila. pero pamilyar sila sa akin. ako kasi sila dati, mas bata; sing edad ko, ako silang lahat noon.

pero sige na erase lahat ng fears kasi kung may magandang nangyrai man (bukod kay jappy at bogs!) nung gabing yun eh, nabigyan ng purpose ang mga damit kong isang tambak na sa closet ko.

sana laging ganun.

2006-07-13T12:13:00.000Z

"all my bags are packed im ready to go, standing here out side your door, i hate to wake you up to say goodbye"- leaving on a jetplane; chantal kreviazuk

tomorrow could not come quickly enough, sitting and waiting is very hard to bear. naiinip na ako. my flight has been cancelled again. it was supposed to be july 6 but im still here. hindi ako umabot sa birthday ni ate last july 10.

anyway, yung mga kaibigan ko naman text pa rin ng text at nakikipagkita sa akin. buti nalang mabait si mama ngayon at she doesnt asked me last friday kung bakit ako inumaga ng uwi.

hayy,yan ang mamimiss ko kaya sige lang =D

2006-06-15T08:06:00.000Z

I was in grade 2 nung umalis ka puntang Saudi. Mula noon, di ko na nga maalala kung nag spend ka pa ng mga special occasions sa bahay. You only have 30 days vacation every year, but that’s the most precious time I ever have, you’re making the most out it. HOUSE DADDA. Happy times seems finding its own way to halt when 30 days were finally over.

While growing up, something’s really changes. That’s why most of the time we found your presence very awkward. Parang hindi na kami sanay paag nandyan ka. Yet, you’ve learned to deal with our temper, still showered us with everything we need from toys to toiletries.

At all times you put your family on the top of the list. U didn’t even manages to replace your time-worn wallet or even give your self a present during special occasions (unless kulitin ka naming to do so.)

Im SORRY if I can’t make you proud of me. Such a failure.

Sorry if I failed learning to play piano when I was 10 and I impatiently cease guitar lessons during 4thyr high, sorry rin for not improving my grades kahit sa college. Sorry for not entering PMA.

I know, you and mom always have this idea of what our life would be like and never miss the opportunity to remind us. You both mean well and I really APPRECIATE that.

Thanks for everything.

FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SUCH A PAIN ON YOUR ASS AND MOM’s

HAPPY FATHERS DAY
mwahh

2006-05-19T11:00:00.000Z

super late na MOTHER'S DAY GREETING...

even if you cant stand her
even if you hate her
even if she's ruining your life

there's something about her

some romance
some power
and when she dies
the world will be flat
too simple
too fair
too reasonable

"ANYWHERE BUT HERE"- ANN AUGUST

kahit lagi kaming nag aaway ni mader lately, alam ko na alam niya how much i love her. and shes one of the reason why i want to live and fulfill my dreams. i love you ma kahit hindi tayo vocal sa isat isa. iloveyouh

wild dreams 101

2006-04-25T09:51:00.000Z

simula bata ako, kakaiba na yung mga panaginip ko. as far as i could remember, maganda naman ang childhood experiences ko. siguro yun ang dahilan kung bakit kahit pagtulog ko, umaandar pa rin yung sub conscious thoughts ko.

* and hindi ko makalimutan eh yung magcecelebrate na ako ng 7th bday. nanaginip ako na yung bahay daw namin ay gawa sa chocolate and everything around was made of candies, marshmallows and bubble gums. like yung puno, cotton candy daw. it was like a fantasy land.

* nagkaroon rin ako ng mga flicks tulad ng FLYING HOUSE (subscriber kasi kami ng ate ko before sa comics nun), FLYING Carpet (yung eksaktong carpet pa sa living room namin yun lumlipad) at kahit ako mismo lumilipad.

*yung kaberday kong favorite late-uncle ko napanaginipan ko rin when i was 11y/o after he died. binigyan daw ako ng isang basket na apple. i accepted it sa dream ko tapos nung nagising ako at kinuwneto ko sa buong kamag anak ko. nagalit sila lahat sa isang batang katulad ko. malay ko ba. bakit ko daw tinangap eh masama daw yun, sinasama daw ako sa kabilang buhay. nyek. creepy.

*nabunot na rin ang ipin ko sa panaginip kaya ang ending lagi kailangan ko ikagat yung mga ipin ko sa kahoy. (pero ang toto niyan, nawawalan ng pag asa ang ibig sabihin niyan)

*namatay na rin ang kung sino sino at kahit sarili ko sa panaginip ko. - tiwala sa iba at sa sarili o o kailangan iwan ang isang bagay o makalimot ang meaning daw nun...

*aha at iba pang wild animals na ang ibig sabihin sa psych ay mood swings..

nung nag High school na ako. medyo nag mellow yung panaginip ko.

once in a while nalang or talagang di ko na natatandaan. however, minsan nga lang pero tumatatak ang kawierduhan.

tulad ng carrots at iba pang gulay sa bahay kubo na steady lang sa white na background hanggang matapos yung panaginip ko. meron ring kaning tutong na ewan ko kung anong konek sa buhay ko, pero binulabog niya rin ako.

*pangarap ko pala dating maging piloto pero mahina ako sa math kaya puro eroplanong papel lang yung eksena.

*meron ring mga panaginip na fairytale ang drama:
*yung crush ever ko sa FEU nung freshie ako na si VICTOR VALENTIN MONTES, kasama ko daw at pinapayungan pa ako while walking under the rain. shet.

*yung ex-lab interest ko na si neil, kasama yung mataba niya gf at ako daw umiiyak sa isang tabi. drama ito.

* ako daw si cinderella

*(eto yung nagkatotoo pagkatapos ng ilang taon) ang bahista daw ng isang banda at yung gf niya musician, nagbreak na daw.

ang malupit pa, 2yrs ago nung dumating ang dadi ko, nasabik ako sa chocolate kaya hanggang pagtulog kumakain ako. ayun, nanaginip ako ng isang higante- HIGANTENG toothbrush na humahabol sa akin. hehehe

sabi ng prof ko sa psych 112 namin before,
"abnormal dreams doesnt mean u'r abnormal. it doesnt determined the persons capacity, state of mind or it is not even based on kasabihan or something. our dream make us conscious sa mga sub conscious thoughts that is inside us, things that we refused to say, cant say, too scared to say. unspoken words that have fossilised."

- prof. luchi ermita

marami akong weird na panaginip, pero yan lang ang tumatak sa akin na nahanapan ko ng sagot. sana yung iba maananalyze ko ng mabuti pala hindi ako mahimbing sa bangungot.

2006-04-24T07:24:00.000Z

Old Man by the Sea
Author: Chris Hanley

As I grow old, I sit and stare.
I watch the sea, and sultry air,
clouds that drift, so steadily by,
amassed by spread, across the sky.

Rays of sun, like halo's gleam,
across the sea, to dance and sheen,
Hues of colors, wind and tide,
silver strands, to be untied.

Visions mingle, forms define,
glimpsed and fade, before the eye.
Time so precious, blessings few,
ever change, every hue anew.

Natures promise, beauty to behold,
selects a few, a message to unfold.
Pity those, who cannot see,
pleasures of living, by the sea.

Ivory castles, built on high,
Social pursuits, that will not die.
Riches sought, and gambles taken,
shorten life, until awaken.

When time on Earth is nigh,
No fear of death have I.
Scatter me, upon the Sea,
To ebb and flow, eternally.

With Irish songs, to give me rhythm,
My soul unfolds, with optimism.
Wishing ever, I could see,
Happy people, living by the sea.

2006-04-21T09:44:00.000Z

sa kasiyahan at sa makawtuwid
tinangay na nang hangin
mabuhay ng sapat at walang patid

pagpatuloy man sa pagpukpok
bigo pa sa pakong nakabaluktot
mananatili pa ring lugmok
ang pag iisip, oh nakakayamot

2006-03-25T11:43:00.000Z

i went to SM manila yesterday to stroll and to kill my boredom. when FARAH texted me she saw me daw around the mall and she asked if ill be watching rivermaya gig at around 4pm. it was already 3:00. i didnt notice the poster on the escalator. kala ko joke lang ba yun. so i texted my sister if she could come with me. na excite ako biglang mapanuod sila.

its past 4pm and the front act which was SOAPDISH started to play already.

nakita ko na yung ibang grounder. kahit awkard sa akin, i went to their place. konting chikahan. few minutes later, start na mag set up yung RM.

nagpunta na kami sa harap ng stage. i saw kurt there. thank god he still recognized me. kamustahan lang. tapos ininvite niya ako sa gig nila sa seguijo. i politely declined pero i promised na next time na talaga. actually ang dami ko ng utang sa kanya. at medyo luma na yung CD ko, wala pa ring pirma.

ayun, back to RM.

first time kong narinig na tinugtog nila yung WILDANGEL CANDY. Kala ko sa SINGAPORE lang nila kayang tugtugin yun. =D

parang first time. parang newbie, parang groupie, parang yung mga katabi kong bagong grounders na walang humpay na vinivideo at pinipicturan si rico. lumayo ako, hindi ko alam kung bakit. napunta ako sa kapatid ni japs. mas lalo akong nahiya so bumalik ako sa harap. nakita ako ni mike habang tumutugtog. he smiled wholly and i've read his lips saying "BAKIT NGAYON LANG AKO?". tapos tiningnan ko pa yung nasa tabi ko o nasa likod ko kung sila kausap ni mike. AKO pala talaga kaya tumawa ako mag isa.

medyo nagkaprob yung audio at nasira snare ni mark. kaya medyo huminto ng 10 minutes. medyo mukhang badtrip na nga si rico eh. pero buti nalang natuloy kahit sabog ang bass ni japs.

after nun set at authograph signing.
nagpakita na ako kay japs at mike. sabi ni japs bakit ang tagal ko daw hindi sila sinipot. eto naman si mike nangulit, bakit daw ganun itsura ng celfone ko? namangha sa sa tig-80 pesos na transparent na casing...

tsaka palang dumating yung kapatid ko. sabi ni mike himala daw talaga.

himala nga talaga.
pero masaya ako.

=D

2006-03-14T09:44:00.000Z

Siya si charlotte. Hindi siya babae, pero we just named him
after the popular cart00n series that time. I was 2nd yr HS then. CharLotte was so nice and truly our family's best friend. He often barks because the only thing he d0es was to welc0me everyb0dy who came to our house by smelling their ass's.

With his big eyes, matatak0t talaga sin0 man yung makakita sa kanya, pero kabaliktaran sa akala. He died last thursday of unkn0wn reas0n. All of a sudden he just run out of breath and found myself crying after few minutes. Ganun kadali. Wala namang sakit or watsoever condition. Sabi nila heart attack daw.

Few weeks ago, i told my m0m, that i dreamt that daddy died and ate was sick. Because i came from a family who still believe in superstiti0n, m0m related what happen to our dog in my previous dream. Sabi nya, INAKO daw ni charlotte yung masamang mangyayari sa daddy or ate ko. Actually naalala ko rin yung aso namin bef0re kay charlotte, that was exactly what happen, bago umuwi si daddy galing saudi he had a min0r injury on his left knee. It was close to accident daw, buti nalang god pave way for his safety.

I miss him sobra. It was like loosing a family member. I know, 10yrs is a considerable time already and he served us enough. Sana lang he kn0ws h0w grateful our family is to have him for a while.

" there is something i learned about the dead. they lived on. they turn into dust and become part of the earth and the wind blows them up they're in the very air we breathe. and their words live on in our minds, reutring without being called. we hear them in our waking hours and hear them in our dreams, their words more powerful urgent than they were first uttered"------ ARLENE CHAI

2006-03-06T09:57:00.000Z

hindi ko hiningi pero dumating.
hindi ko inasahan, pero sobra pa ang binigay.
siya pala na lagi kong kausap, lagi kong kasama.
ayokong sabihin na shock absorber lang namin ang isat isa
ayoko, wag ganun.
alam namin na we have somthing, beyond words. kahit hindi sabihin.
maybe, just maybe. this is something closer to LOVE. cliche' pero totoo.
hindi kami pero okey kami.
walang commtiment
walang strings attached
walang pressure.

para walang masaktan.

sometimes i habe the urge to squeeze his blood from turnips pero i refuse myself from doing it. nakatakot. dalawa lang naman ang pwedeng sagot dun. at ayokong madinid ano man yun.

tama na yun ganito. siguro all i have to do is to keep my spirits up, enjoy every moment but a also have to take it.

dont cry for the moon pawi...

matuto sa nakaraan..

2006-03-02T08:41:00.000Z

nakita ko yung lumang notebook ko sa ilalim ng kama ko kanina.
nakalimutan kong may nagawa akong poem para kay JAPS dati.
sana mabasa niya.
hahaha =D

this is my last poem for him
i am a sad poet without his love.
my verses are dead and my heart is barren
my hand should never write sweet lines about his eyes.
she owns him.
she own the man i love.
the night is crest fallen and the stars in my sky are gradually fading.
this is the last night that i'll cry.
no tears should fall again from these eyes.
to feel immense sorrow
to feel immense pain without his love
my tears cant buy his heart
this is the last night ill dram about him
i have to wake up and go back to reality
he never loved me
and i never owned him.
its difficult to forget those eyes
it'd be like stopping my heart from beating
and my blood from flowing incessantly in my body
this is the last night that ill love him
this is the last night ill worship the man who inspired my verses
there's nothing in this world that i wouldn't do for him,
my heart cares for him
my heart loves him
but he doesnt need it...the whole world knows that i can live without him
but i know that I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM

2006-02-14T11:07:00.000Z

budoy miraviles; vocalist of junior kilat at housemate na rin sa BAHAY NI KUYA

hindi kapatid ni budoy yan. that's omni saroca; drummer of HALE.

kool, hawig sila.

wala lang napansin ko lang...

2006-02-02T09:17:00.000Z

three weeks ago, nagkita kami sa FEU.
he accompanied me the whole day. sinamahan niya ako sa MALACAñANG. kahit inabot kami ng buong araw at inabutan kami ng rally sa quiapo. he patiently waited for me.

lucky me.

i wasnt expecting the same treatment, considering our last talk was last dec 2004.
pretty long. but ive enjoyed the whole day with him.i cant even remember why did he stopped calling and texting me. ah siguro busy sa girlfriend. but that day, i felt like, its been us.

we talked.
things that should not be opened again.It's been over 2 years after graduation and we never made it. he asked me if I love HIM, but I don't answer. I can't think of a reason, but it's just that when he ask me I don't know where to start. Our love was never meant to be. There's no arguing with fate.

I'm just here thinking about him, like I always do. I will always remember how sweet he is and how every time my phone rang, I heard his sweet voice. I would smile and I was happy from that point on...

ill cherish that.

mauulit pa kaya yun?
hindi na siguro dahil kasalanan ko naman.

2006-02-02T08:17:00.000Z

"NASAAN SI FRANCIS?"
- an indie filem starring Epi Quizon, Christopher de leon,
Ricky Davao, Mark Gil, Tanya Garcia, Rita Avila, Rio Locsin, and "rakstar boy" RICO BLANCO of RIVERMAYA. directed by Gabriel Fernandez
(one of the seven films who didnt make it to the magic seven of the 2005 MMFF)

NASAAN NA SI RICO?
dapat yan nalang ang title eh.
hindi ko lang akalain na may furure plans pala siyang maging artista someday huh.
ayokong isipin na pagkatapos ng pelikulang ito, isa na sa POGI ROCK ang paborito kong bandang RIVERMAYA, nakita ko yung mga pagbabago sa banda mula noon. niyakap at natanggap ko lahat yun dahil napabuti at my pinatunguhan naman. pero ngayon? di ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa kanila? ano sasabihin ng mga tao?

kasabay ng movie break ni coriks, yung mga rumors tungkol sa mga artistang nali-link sa kanya. aba, laman na siya ng mga showbiz chismis sa tv. kesyo nalilink siya kay rica p. not to mention pati si mark escueta kay karel marquez. ewan, magulo. naguguluhan ako. natatakot.

isyu pa.
ang paglalabas ng GREATEST HITS ALBUM? (hmm. sakin nalang muna ang gusto kong sabihin...)

i emailed him (rakstar rico)
i asked him kung hindi ba siya bothered sa mga speculations at rumors tungkol sa ginagwa niyang/ nilang move.

una yung pagsabak niya saindie film. ito na ba ang start ng kanyang "career"?
-could be. pwede, tingnan natin.

kung gagawa ba siya ng movie with KC CONCEPCION in the future
-kung maganda ang script

ano ang feeling ng ganyan? di ka ba naninibago?
- iba lang ang pagpromote ng album sa movie

-"hindi ako bothered kahit ano sabihin ng ibang tao about us, RM. im still looking for your support, sa akin at lalo na sa band. we're busy doing our next album. thanks sa support"

oh well, hindi ka bothered pero I AM.
di ba yung mga SINASABI nga ng ibang tao ang magpre-predict how long the band will stay? positive or negative. it will.

ill just pray saan man sila dalhin. they still have my support.
sana nga lang nasa GROUND pa rin ang mga paa nila.

2006-01-25T10:58:00.000Z

disappointed.

Some of those artists which are included in the compilation album of eraser heads songs are not really good enough. parang di lang nila alam yung kinakanta nila. wla. di ko man lang na-feel yung kanta. siguro yung mga new gen lang ang makaka-appreciate nung album. pero kung tulad ko at ng ibang sobrang FAN as in ng eheads. masasawi lang...

pero hindi ko naman nilalahat.

mas okey sana kung kinuha nila yung banda dahil kaya nila interpret yung kanta hindi dahil SIKAT sila ngayon.

ayos!

2006-01-21T09:52:00.000Z

my life just got started.
maganda pasok ng 2006 at sana eto na talaga yung matagal ko ng pinagdadasal.

nakaalis na si ate puntang dubai. sana mahanap na niya yung buhay niya. sana maging mature na siya sa mga desisyon. independent, responsable. yung maging TALAGANG ATE siya sa amin ni khala. sana rin marealize na niya ngayon na hindi naa kami bumabata para sa mga walang kwentang issue sa pamilya namin. i just wish sana magkaroon siya ng MAHABANG pasensya. gusto kong makitang may mapatunayan siya sa sarili niya.

after all she is not a bad ate to me. kahit lagi kaming nag-aargue nun. nakakamiss rin palang wla akong inaaway. actually tahimik yung bahay namin. nilalamon ng ugong ng bentilador. nakakalungkot,lalo na pag kaming dalawa lang ni khala. hindi naman kami nag aaway pero nauubusan kami ng sasabihin sa isat isa.

nung hinatid namin sa airport si ate, walang tumulong luha sa akin, considering ako ang iyakin. si mader at kahla umiiyak. habang ako. lula. mas kailangan ko kasing bigyan siya ng ngiti kesa luha. ayokong pabaunan siya nun. binigyan ko rin siya ng baong sulat. isang mahabang sulat ng halo halong ewan. kahit siguro magalit siya sa akin at hindi na niya ako kibuin. okey lang. atleast nasabi ko yung mga gusto kong sabihin.

mid of this year magkikita naman kami.
im really praying na sana makasunod na ako sa kanila ni daddy.

i have so many plans.
eto na ang umpisa
sana tuloy tuloy na.

2005-12-20T06:33:00.000Z

we must remember that christmas is all about CHRIST's COMING...

so, whatever the situation we're in, we should try to awaken the glow of our saviours birth...

ITS CHRISTMAS!

BE HAPPY.

BE THANKFUL!

MALIGAYANG PASKO SA LAHAT!

*******************************************************************************

hmmm..
masaya nga pala ako ngayon.
salamat at may taong nagpasaya sa akin.
kahit sandali lang. thankful ako kasi i experienced to love again.
merry christmas talaga 'to!

Video Code Proudly Provided by FreeVideoCodes

2005-11-23T12:35:00.000Z

ito ang dalawang messages sa akin ng mga matalik kong kaibigan na si JAZ at JAY nung birthday ko. Gusto ko lang i-share kasi sa tuwing binabasa ko 'to ng paulit ulit nabibigyan ako lalo ng pag asa. napakaswerte ko sa kaibigan at hindi nila ako nakakalimutan. SALAMAT SALAMAT! hindi ko alam kung kelan ako makakapagsalamat ng personal. ummm. utang ko muna ang kape! =D makakabawi rin ako.

from JAZ's blog:

(post para sa akin at kay RONS)

i wish i could tell you not to get depressed anymore. that, hey cheer up, there are still better things in life to be glad about. kaso i've also been there and somehow i know the feeling. mahirap ang pakiramdam ng walang katiyakan ang lahat. mahirap maging malungkot dahil feeling mo walang nangyayari sa buhay mo.

for about a year and a half i felt like i was a tennis ball hurled back and forth across the net. i was riding in a roller coaster set of emotions. it's draining and yes, it's really depressing to the point that sometimes you feel like giving up and forgetting the whole thing. i moped, i pitied myself, i felt overly pathetic. kaso isang araw parang naramdaman ko na nalang na, well ganon talaga. it's one of the reasons why you're here on earth for. to experience not just the beautiful things in life but also the ugly ones kaya it's either you do something about it or you just let it control you. sabi nga ni jessica zafra, "Nothing is more depressing than getting depressed without putting up a fight." kaya sige laban lang tayo. ganyan lang talaga. lilipas din yan. siguro hindi pa ngayon, hindi mamaya, baka bukas o sa isang taon pa. pero sana habang andon tayo laban lang.

sana pede kong sabihin na stop being depressed kaso ayoko kasi naisip ko sa isang banda maganda na rin yung makaranas tayo ng ganyan para kahit papano natututo tayo sa buhay natin. depression made me miserable but at the same time it did me some good. in some ways marami akong natutunan sa sarili ko. at dahil don nagpapasalamat ako.

would i dare go back to it if the situation pushes me to? hell no. hanggang kaya ko pipilitin kong hindi na kahit pa di rin yan maiiwasan dahil lang tao ako. siguro the point is, enjoy lang. may mga pagkakataon na magandang byahe ang nasasakyan natin, may mga araw ding bad trip pero siguro ang mahalaga ay kung anong ginawa natin habang nasa byahe tayo.

masaya parin ang buhay kahit ocassionally may sayad ang mundo.

my prayers for both of you. kapit lang tayo mga kaibigan. :)

from JAY: (medyo edited nga lang. may mga binura lang akong ibang linya.. hehehe)

SUBJECT: nandito lang ako

point by point:-

i never gave up. i delayed myself. and i'm heaads up for the reason why...

- kung ano ang wala sa iyo, hindi mo pa yun kailangan sa ngayon. gamitin mo ng maigi at mabuti ang kung ano ang meron ka. at alam mo kung anu-ano ang mga yun..

-wag mong isipin yung mga 'bakit' dahil yung mga tanong na yon ay laging may sagot. Hindi nga lang agad-agad... At magiging malinaw rin lahat IN DUE TIME. Mag- ingat ka rather sa 'paano'. Kasi yun either you know it or you don't. And it's up to you if you will know it or not.

-the person who never took the chance never had a chance.-excite yourself. do something noone expects you to do. not even you. i left my pride for a better daily life..

-your family cannot be compeled to do otherwise. that's why like i said during the last line, i decided to leave the house by next year.. i already looking for housemates na kilala ko..

-hindi malalaman kung ano yung mga mali kung matatakot kang magkamali. get there and if you're there, call for me (us).

we should talk. personally. tell me when. kahit sunduin kita sa haus nyo. (engeng sketch, if ever, hehe)

2005-11-18T10:34:00.000Z

insomniac.
natatakot ako.
kaya hindi ako makatulog.
natatakot maulit muli ang walang pagbabagong araw ngayon,
pero kailangan ko pa ring ipikit ang mga mata ko aat mapanaginipan ang dapat sana ay mangyayari na sa buhay ko. kahit sandali lang. mahirap pero pipilitin ko, makalimutan lang ang sakit na dulot ng REALIDAD na MAKAKASAMA ko HABAMBUHAY

2005-11-15T08:26:00.000Z

suzette, ivan, ME, jonald, jemai, darlene and shine- taken November 2, 05

my younger sister KAHLA, me, and my ATE BLAUNCH- taken the night before my bday

2005-11-15T08:14:00.000Z

And now, im 22.

I woke up 6 am.
I waited for the sun to come out, then muni muni ng sandali. I thought about everything that had happened in the past 21 yrs. Of my so-called life. Merong malungkot, may masaya at nakakahiya. Naalala ko rin yung personal struggle na pinagdaanan ko 3 wks ago. It was kinda long compared sa mga previous melancholia ko. Akala ko nga hindi na ako makakarecover. Now, im filling out the spaces I missed. Kelangan kong bumawi sa mga nalampasan ko at mga nakalimutan ko.

Kaya nagsimba ako around 7am. I thanked the lord for all the blessing he has given me. Kahit minsan talagang feeling ko di ko na kinakaya at kadalasan kinukuwestiyon ko na siya. Ilang beses na ako bumitaw sa kanya pero I still find myself coming back to him. At siya, nadyan pa rin. Sumusubok. He just want me to realized and learned something…

Yahweh, thank you so much!

Hmmm. Right after the mass, MR DRUMMER boy was waiting for me outside the church. Treated me out for BRUNCH (hell, yeah, baliktad ang mundo) and had some nice talk. Although very limited lang yung time kasi alam kong pagod na siya at wala pang tulog galling gig. But he drove all the way from south. *sweet* he is such a nice person and I really appreciate such kindness. (That’s another story…)

Anyway, I went back home.
I got all those touching text messages from friends. Ang daming nakaalala kahit yung mga dating hindi nagpaparamdam. They made me feel important. Sana lagi ko nalang bday. Yahoo!

Tapos nag dinner naman kami nila AYN at ODETTE sa MARIO’s kitchen sa rob place. (the best ang sisig dito, try niyo!) LIBRE ULIT.

Nakakahiya na nga sa kanila. I didn’t spend even a single centavo, kahit ako pa naman yung celebrant. I told about it kasi nagseSELF-PITY na naman ako. Wala man lang kasi ako maishare sa kanila. Pero she told me na I dont have to feel that way and they want me to feel better and happy. Siguro this past few days ramdam nila yung bigat ng loob ko na tinatago ko. Hay kelan ba ako makakabayad sa dalawang ‘to. Ang hava na siguro ng utang ko at natatakot akong baka hindi ko na mabayaran. Hindi ko tuloy napigilang umiyak.

Nevertheless. Tagumpay sila at nabuo yung araw ko.

Imagine, I celebrated my birthday with some of the special people in my life. LUCKY ME.

Bago matapos ang gabi. Isang text mula ulit kay DB:

“you are so fortunate at 22 ka na. you should be thankful for that. Naging mabait ka kaya it pays kaya maraming nagmamahal sayo. Sana tuloy mo lang yan. Kahit daming hassle ang buhay, nandito naman ako, este kami. Mag iingat ka kagi.”- 23:36 Nov.13, 2005

salamat sa mga bumati. I really appreciate it. Ilabyouol. alam niyo na kung sino kayo.

2005-11-04T12:02:00.000Z

i was once told by a friend na DONT give up searching for my life.
eh pano ano gagawin mo kung isang taong alam mong malakas ang loob at nagpapalakas ng loob mo dahil pareho kayo ng situtaion eh nag give up na lang and he just let the wind blows over his feet and gave up his independence. shet di ba.

PEOPLE change ika nga pero pano kung sarili mo minsan hindi mo maramdaman ng may nagbabago? "tatangapin nalang ba ang malupit na tadhana? o kayay tatanggapin nalang ba na sawi at di pinagpala"-- oo KANTA yan at tulad ng kanta na yan, sinasalamin niya ang nararamadaman ko.

potah,
madaling magbigay ng salita sa iba na KAYA mo yan pero sa totoo lang sa loob ko, napakahirap nun lalo na kung gusto mo talagang mag give up nalng at hayaan nalang ang IBANG TAO ang mag manipulate at magmaneho ng buhay ko.

sa totoo lang naiiyak na ako kung bakit patuloy kong pinagkakaiit sa sarili ko yung PAG ASA.
simula MAY 3 beses na akong nagresign.(prudential, aboitiz, mcu ) lingid sa kaalaman LALO ng ng mga KAIBIGAN ko. hindi ko sinsabi kasi alam kong isa lang ang madidinig ko: "BAKIT?".

at hanggang ngayon 3 na rin ang trabahong tinanggihan ko.
"bakit?" napakalaking tanong. kung BAKIT kasi yan nalang ang laging tinatanong, hindi ba pwedeng mauna muna yung tanong na "ANO... ano ang balak mo?"

madalas kong sinasabi ang problema ko sa mga BOY-frends ko kasi alam ko, (fixated na yata ako sa sasabihin ng mga babaeng katulad ko-- at ang katagang KAYA MO YAN, ANO KA BA? )sinasabi lang nila yun kasi wla sila sa lugar ko. at least kahit papano pag boy, mura ang inaabot ko. KATOTOHAN. kaya pasintabi sa iba kung sa iba niyo pa nalalaman ang problema ko.

nagalit may YUNG iba diya sa akin sa pagiging selfish ko. i think time naman na maging madamot ako sa oras, sa pramdam.

gusto ko muling maexcite.

********
naiinis ako sa daddy ko, sa mommy ko, sa mga kapatid ko...
kung bakit napakabait nila sa akin kasi hindi man lang nila tinatanong kung ano nararamadaman ko.

kung bakit mataas ang expectation sa akin samantalang hindi naman ako panaganay, na sa sobrang taas, wla akong napapala. na naaawa ako sa sarili ko kasi wla akong magawa, na inuunahan ako ng takot dahil ayaw kong PUMALYA. na feeling ko sa kahit anong lakas ng sigaw ko hindi ako madidinig.

napatuloy akong naghahanap at kung may nahanap, i turned it down because of that fear i feel.

i was about to leave last sept 23 for china.
hindi nila alam yun. hindi ko pinaalam.
placement nalang ang kulang, GO na dapat ako.
sept 14 na deadline, hindi ko pa rin sinasabi, hanggang sa naBLACKLIST na ako sa agency na yun.

hanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam yung gagawin ko. hindi ko alam kung may mangyayari sa akin o kung may mangyayari pa sa buhay ko.

pinili ko ngang hindi sabihin kahit sinong kaibigan ko, kasi ang balak ko mag teleport nalang ng wlang nakakaalam. para magugulat nalang yung iba.

ang masasabi ko lang "do not trust this hope, it has forsaken this land".

i dont need your WHY's i just need the word IM HERE.

napapagod na ako..

sabi nga ni jaz...
the mind is tired.
the heart is tired.
the spirit is wandering.
the soul is restlessly stirring.

2005-10-18T10:48:00.000Z

last night was HALE's listers night. hmm..
yeaah i was there because of my dearest friend TRISHA.

im a CERTIFIED groupie. ulkkk.
i hate myself.
pero masaya ako kagabi.
nakita ko si chino, yung brother ni champ na nasa video nilang KAHIT PA.

i joined trish because of him not becasue of hale. hahaha

then tumugtog yung band na SANDO. nameet ko rin sila after the set kasi nilapitan namin sila. at dahil mababait sila, naenganyo ako bumili ng indie album nila. =D

medyo, sabog ang tenga ko ngayon dahil sa sobrang enthusiasm ng mga taong nagpunta dun kagabi. (90% na puro teen girls ang nandun). i dunno kung nandun ba sila for hale's music or they just wanted to see HALE. hmm. madaming magagalit sa akin nito. oh well. sorry.

trouble and fix you by coldplay and screaming infidelities ng dashboard C. were included in their covers song last night. tapos kulang nalang bigyan ng stretcher yung mga nandun at parang hihimatayin na.

buti nalang at wlang napahamak. hahaha!

2005-10-07T09:31:00.000Z

Congrats to my dearest alma mater for winning the 68th season of UAAP. Another thing to be proud of about this school. Kahit I always received nega remarks from other people. Atleast I can say that I came from a school who thought me how TO BE SPORTS and HUMBLE inspite of being branded as JOLOGS at mahirap.

I think there is no need to be bitter about since archers did a very great job this season. I salute these players who really gave their best. Honestly, im always been a fan of YEO and ARAÑA. Kung pwede ko lang nga sila ipirata at palipatin sa PIYU ginawa ko na.

Sana lang walang personalan at tanggapin nalang na ganun talaga ang laban. I should not say this pero apparently, 2 of my friends (who doesn’t know each other and who belongs from the archers) texted me this same kind of message:

“ This loss should serve as a humbling experience to the archers and to the DLSU community as well. Being CHAMPION doesn’t mean YOU”RE on the TOP FOREVER. For the FEU tamaraws, our outmost congratulations”

“next year is the end of your TRIUMPH, no more SANTOS, ISIP and RIZADA. Whats next? We don’t know… for now, enjoy!”

“pinagbigyan lang naming kayo since may nagawa kaming kasalanan which wwwe asked for forgiveness already. We’ll bring back the TITLE NEXT YEAR”

hmm.. whats the point?
Useless diba?
Di naman sila halatang bitter niyan at parehong message lang ang pinapaikot nila sa lahat ng katext nila.

I deeply appreciate your greetings guys, but next time don’t act so BITTER huh. NAKAKABADING na eh! And don’t act like as if kayo na ang pumalit na JOLOGS AT MAHIRAP.

Everything’s behind me now and lets just put an end here. PERIOD!

2005-09-09T09:57:00.000Z

BITCHeNESS ko lately…

Situation number 1:

Si “kuya oldie” grounder nakita ko sa isang concert with her girlfriend. We rarely see each other and we were both happy na nakita naming ang isat isa that day. Kahit hindi kami ganun close. Lumapit siya and lend his hand to me. Pinakilala rin niya yung PANGET niyang GF (hindi sa pagpintas at hindi dahil hindi siya nagging mabait sa akin, pero panget talaga). I politely smile and extend my hand kahit ang sama ng tingin niya sa akin na kulang nalang sakmalin ako at halos maputol ang kamay ko sa pagod dahil hindi niya ito inabot. FINE! Atleast ginawa ko ang dapat pero when I bid kuya oldie goodbye, I made IRAP rin to that pasosyal girl while making BESO to her boyfriend. HAHAHA, bahala silang mag away. Yung gf naman niya nauna eh. (patulan ko ba?)

Situation number 2:

I was on the last part of a nerve-wrecking interview. I thought im good not until the interviewer asked me…

MADAM AURING Look-alike interviewer: okey, so wha do you think of REGINE VELASQUEZ?

AKO: (sa loob loob ko, BAKIT? Anong tanong yun? Related ba yun? Icebreaker ba ito? Anong isasagot ko? I have to be honest..)
* umm.. we all know her, she is freakin regine velasquez. (o.oohhh, bakit ko nasabi yun? Patay, durog ako?! Nawala ako sa sarili ko? Bakit kasi tumatak sa isip ko yun eh?).
She is a great singer and an actress for most people but she doesn’t have originality. Her songs are purely REVIVALS. She can only sings but doesn’t have the talent for writing. (tuloy tuloy na naumpisahan ko na eh, wala ng bawian!)

Lagot ! halos magdikit na yung tattoo niyang kilay, so I stopped staring at her and looked around the room. Shet, dun ko lang nakita yung mga picture ni regine na naksabit sa wall ng buong kwarto.

LAST WORDS KO? Wala na! gusto ko ng lumubog sa kahihiyan, dahil di ko alam kung ano kaugnayan niya kay regine! Alam kong poker faced na ako nung mga minutong yun. At feeling ko rin yun na ang pinaka mahabang sandali ng buhay ko. Gusto ko na agad mag reincarnate sa hiya.

LAST WORDS NIYA: since the very first part of the interview, you’ve been very honest and I admire you for that. But I think you are so HONEST to be part of our company. I’m very sorry. Thank you and goodbye.

….am a psychology graduate. I was trained to have a good judgment. But I think my training wasn’t good enough. =(

Situation number 3:

my friend has a obsessed suitor, he told her that he will kill himself if she will never be his GF. So I asked my friend to tell that crazy man to go and kill his self. I think she or even other people don’t have something to do with his paranoia. Its his choice, konsensya niya yun. At kamay nya mismo mag eexecute ng krimen sa sarili niya. I think those who really intend to kill themselves don’t announce it to the world. The one who do just need sympathy or want to catch the attention of their loved ones =D.

2005-09-09T09:52:00.000Z

Everyone is talking about Pinoy Big Brother. I honestly confess that I watch it everyday. Becoz I want to fill in my time and there is no other choice pag nasa bahay ako =D DEFENSIVE ME! Okey… yeah im watching it not to be entertain and to enjoy every freaking moment of it but becoz im expecting and hoping that as day goes by somehow Philippine TV would offer me something that has aesthetic value o kahit anong values. It is really disappointing for me to found out nothing and to fool myself na WALA NA NAMAN TALAGANG PAG ASA eh!

Ang BIG BRO. sa ibang bansa e hit talaga. Mas exciting. Walang bawal, walang limitation. Kahit pakikipagdu “do” captured on camera. Unlike PBB, sa FIL-CULTURE? Sa isang konserbatibong bansa na lahat bawal. so wats so exciting on that? Yun bang pagsasayaw ng naka swimsuit? Senseless conversation? Ang pag experiment sa papel bilang sigarilyo? (ginawa yun ng isang hawsmate) just to pamper his mouth?

PBB is another distressing mimicry on local tv. But then IMITATION from foreign shows is a big part of phil. History.

Ang nakakatuwa lang siguro sa akin ngayon ay yun kulang nalang ihagis ako palabas ng mga sisters ko dahil sa mga side comments ko while watching with them. I am such a bitch. Buwisit. Pakialamera.

Pag tapos ng unang season ng palabas na ito sigurado ako may paglalagyan ang bawat isa sa kanila sa telebisyon. Let’s wait and see.

2005-09-05T09:25:00.000Z

matutulog muling bantulot
kung gigising pang walang puot
loob na may nanunuot
na sugat na walang saplot

2005-08-26T09:43:00.000Z

MTV PILIPINAS 2005

maganda yung concept this year, BOXING.
tado and ramon bautista were so funny.

panoodin niyo. it will be shown late september!

last night was so great. RIVERMAYA <ang banda ng bayan> bagged 2 major awards. BEST SONG and BEST GROUP for the song BALISONG.

kudos!

*************

congrats rin sa RADIO ACTIVE SAGO project. mahal na mahal ko yung video nilang ASTRO. fortunately, they won the best VIDEO and best DIRECTOR categories.

*************
(kahit inidian mo ako, masaya pa rin ako! kala mo!)

*************
next time na ang buong kwento,
mauulan kasi,
may SUDDEN MOOD DISORDER na naman ako.

*************
im sick =(

2005-08-23T08:53:00.000Z

REST IN PEACE WOLFMANN
Hindi man talaga ako ganun ka FAN o nakakarelate sa music niya pero nakakalungkot lang ang biglaang paglisan ng isang music HERO. nakulangan na naman ng magagaling na nilalang sa MUNDO NG MUSIKA.

my friendster FAYEgrounder (of CYBELLE's ROBE) posted this and KATHY MENESES of DAYDREAM CYCLE also confirmed the news.

Hi guys,

Kramer - Thank you for the kind words. We hardly get to see
eachother nga pero I'm happy that you were able to witness such awonderful
event.

I, unfortunately, am posting because of a tragic and terrible
event.My friend and peer in the business, Wilfrid Hernandez, aka WOLFMANN,has
passed away..

He was also at Rockestra, and joined the impromtu celebration
at 3rdFloor along Katipunan. We were all so happy that Rockestra was a
successful and fun venture.

I arrived there around 12 MN (yata). Wilfrid arrived about
10minutes after. He made me beso and sat down at the table next tomine. About
15-20 minutes after that, all I saw was Vin (TwistedHalo), Buddy (Twisted Halo
and Cambio) and Zack helping him out ofhis chair and down the stairs. Diego
(Sandwich and The Bitter Pill)was also helping in the move.

They rushed him to the nearest (and safest) hospital, QCMC,
wherethey tried desparately to revive him. We were all there, waiting andpraying
for him.He was moved to St. Luke's at around 3 AM, Saturday, where he lay,in a
coma.

I went to St. Luke's with Chill, also a member of this list,
ataround 2 PM where I received word that Wilfrid was practically braindead with
the heart the only thing functioning.At around 3 PM today, I received news that
his blood pressure dropped to a dangerous point. 30 minutes later, Vin had
texted thathe passed away.Wilfrid was one of the key people who helped me
organize the veryfirst EB.

Since then, he has been such a wonderful and dear friend.He
was so happy when I saw him after Rockestra, and when he arrivedat 3rd
Floor.

Please pray with us - his friends and myself. His family and
friendsare in a great deal of pain - this was very quick and
veryunexpected.

Wilfrid.. I miss you.
Blessed be,
Trish

LETS pray for his soul

2005-08-13T11:22:00.000Z

RIVERMAYA GIG: CANCELLED

Ang excitement ko nauwi sa INIS.

ang pagdayo ko sa SM North kahapon ay hindi biro.

maulan. mahangin. trapik.

confirmed daw kaya ako nagpunta.

tapos nung nandun na ako sa venue...

CANCELLED pala.

may sakit daw si KUYA RICO

ayos.

sabi pa naman ng mommy ko sa sm tayuman nalang daw ako magpunta at malapit lang..

mahirap daw bumiyahe.

nandun naman daw ang HALE.

hindi pwede dahil ang tagal ko ng absent sa gig ng MAYA.

yun pala sila ang absent.

ouch!

*******************************************************************************

My dad and I had a very big fight over the fone last week. That was the very first time i spoke up. i never really have the tongue to argue with my dad (even to anybody...) regarding THAT matter kahit pa noon.. He started the fire so i got pissed off. I was forced to tell him everything i never intended to. Thank god shortly after, he realized something and he texted me back apologizing.

I did too. SORRY rin. A million SORRY. If only i could shout it over and over again just to prove na hindi ko sinasadya.

Much have been said but i told him how much i appreciate every sacrifice he's doing for us..
and how much i LOVE him...
How much i love our FAMILY (if thats how they wanted to call it)..

=(

two at a time

2005-08-11T06:17:00.000Z

emo...

paalam o kay tamis na kataga

na bumuhay at nagbigay ng sigla

sa loob kong dukha

na di pinagpala

pipiltin na makabangon

sa pagkakatulog kahapon

mahirapan man sa pag iyak

haharapin ng pusong wasak

****************************************************

matutulog ako ngayong masama ang loob

sa labis na pagdurusa ng damdaming

mula sumikat ang araw ay puro hinanakit ang kasama.

sana sa pagtilaok ng manok

hatid nito'y baong pag asa

2005-08-09T07:43:00.000Z

TUMATAKBO- "MOJOFLY

laging bigo

laging sawi sa pag-ibig

may balat nga ba ako sa pwet?

mabuti pa ang tindera sa aming kanto

nakakainggit

tl..ang sweet nila ng kanyang nobyo

gusto ko lang maranasang umibig

tamaan ni kupidogusto ko lang maranasan ang langit

tumibok muli ang puso ko

CHORUS:

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na akong panahon

Di na nagbago bawat araw

pare-pareho parang kahapon

May birthday cake ka nga

ngunit wala namang kandila

may christmas tree na malupet

wala naman dekorasyong pansabit

sadyang ganyan ang aking buhay

walang kasing tamlay

ayoko sanang tumandang nag-iisa

(chorus)

tatanggapin na lang baang malupit na tadhana

o kaya'y tatanggapin na lang na ako'y sadyang hindi pinagpala

tigilan na ang drama

punasan na ang luha

*wala na sigurong ibang kantang makakapag-describe sa nararamdaman ko ngayon kung hindi yang kanta na yan. sawing sawi at tagos tagusan. LSS ko yan kahit nananaginip ako sa tanghali.

*what would u do if somebody close to your heart tell you this "BURAHIN MO NA AKO SA FONE MO, BUBURAHIN NA KITA!" ... alam kong mababaw sa iba pero sa akin , mahirap tanaggapin ang mga salitang yan. potah, gagawin niyo ba yung sinabi niya? ano mararamdaman mo? suicide bang matatawag pag gagawin ko nga ang kalimutan siya kahit half of me is telling me not to? is it okey if i still cry for the NTH time?

2005-07-29T07:09:00.000Z

i had such a great time listening to the album of this girl. my cooling effect siya sa akin na hindi ko maintindihan.
i love the way she sound. try niyo rin =D

************************************************************************

para naman maup-lift yung outlook nga mga lolang katulad ko ito naman ang must have.

yeahboy!!

BITTER OCAMPO

2005-07-25T09:17:00.000Z

BITTER OCAMPO

im craving for a close human contact for GOD SAKE.. im trying not to be like this but insecurities keeps on hunting me... look parang everybody around already have their cuddling partners, while me? eto, creating my own music without someone to share with. FUCK, ang sakit di ba? i dont want to feel this way, but unfortunately, ang tulad ko ay hindi EXEMPTED.

si AYN KRISSY found her JAMES YAP and thats KUYA DAN.
MAMA bear NET and PAPA bear YAS are undeniably getting stronger everyday.
morCON and AMBOY... five years and still counting...
Supervisor ODETTE (?), a ministop owner suitor, a blah, and blah, another blah and the list goes on..
DANICS, happily married.
EVELYN a former nun-turned-bitch meron na rin.
JOY dumating na yung pinagnovena niya. kahit daw BINGI pero binigay rin ni lord kahit may kapansanan.
bestest friend DIANA very much happy with mr. SMART manager..
ako? PAULA BIANCA FAJARDO A... 21 y/o, unemployed, single bastard and on her way to DESPERATION.

hindi ako BITTER. hindi nga ako BITTER. sinabi ng hindi ako BITTER..